Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Update 1/31

It is really hard to give a shit about anything right now. I am fighting this depression with all I have, but I constantly feel like I am losing this fight.
I have ZERO happiness in my life right now. That is not a whiny, pouting statement, I have NOTHING that makes me happy right now. Nothing that even makes me crack a smile.
Even talking to family right now is bothersome because I have to turn on some bullshit persona, and its tiring.
The volunteer stuff has not filled a void in my life like I hoped. How big is this fucking void?

Legs are giving me trouble, mainly the right leg. This will only prevent me from spending more time at the shelter, and another reminder I cannot accomplish the simple and few things in life I do want to do... I never asked for or expected much out of life. Is this why it has turned out the way it has? Because I was content with a small house, regular car, a love and a dog? What more was I supposed to want? Is this life's way of telling me I wasn't living it enough, and I should have desired more?
I didn't NEED anything else though. I don't need the big house, expensive car, etc... That's all shit. Things.

I just want my old life back, and I would only ask for parts of it. I can deal with the MS. I am having the hardest time dealing with the lost of my dog and love. If I could just have my two girls back... I don't even want God back. Just the mutual love I had for the dog and the girlfriend.
Please wake up. Please wake up. I need to wake up. I hope I do. I don't care as a fetus or a man on his deathbed. Part of me refuses to accept this as my reality.

Seem to be going back to losing sleep. Taking a long time to fall asleep, waking up and staying awake.
I was up at 4:30am and eventually decided to put a post up. I am thinking some shit in my head is keeping me up, and it probably is.
I am nearly out of smoke otherwise I could smoke and get me to sleep and stay there. I have been conserving the cannabis since it will be near the end of February before I get more, this is mainly due to availability and finances. I will be out in the next day or two.

Girlfriend and I are still not talking much. It's been going on for almost a year now. Some days I feel like just telling her it's time to call it quits. I have certain dates stuck in my head of various things that happened this time last year regarding her cheating and its nearly impossible to not think about.
I keep thinking I need a completely fresh start. Get rid of her, sell nearly everything I own, and move. Maybe even a new job, which would be kind of stupid. I have a perfect job for someone with MS.
I need results now in my life. I am not going to sit here January 2013 writing the same bullshit that I am today.

Another post written in tears...

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"


  1. You are doing as good as you can, and even if it doesn`t feel that way now, I am sure you will be better. Loosing the most precious things in life, of course it hurts. But it will change. Because you have the will and the strength to make the change. Even if it doesn`t feel that way right now. Are you still seeing your psychologist once a week? No anti-depressants?
    I wish all the very best for you!! I wish there was something I could do.....
    A very big hug and warm thoughts

    1. I will be seeing my psychologist this week. We plan the next visit each time I go.
      Still no anti-depressants so I am expecting these crashing waves of emotions.

  2. Ok. Let´s hear how it goes. The dogs from the shelter...can you take one home and maybe for a day or two...?

    1. They do give you the option to do short or long term fostering. We were told we can take a dog home for day, week, month, whatever.
      I may do that at some point. I want to spend some more time with the dogs there and get to know them first...

  3. Sound like a good idea!:)


  4. I hope the therapy helps. I know it does me. Also, I wanted to thank you for stopping by my blog today, but also wanted to apologize because my twitchy finger inadvertently deleted your comment. Thanks for the comment.

    1. I read your poems every day (via rss feed).
      "Yup" was not even worthy of a comment there, but its all I had at the moment to say I liked the poem and agreed with it.

  5. I think when you find the right dog..or rather they find you, as I believe they'll be able to pick a good doggy person out a mile off, spending time with a dog will definitely help. Give you some purpose back. Things do need to change, I wonder at some point if you'll reach the lowest point where you decide things have to change, the relationship is just dragging you down man. Can you ask yourself...if she wasn't there, would that make you unhappy? Does anything she does make you happy? Also wish you could get your weed to help you sleep, then at least things would seem more manageable. I like the fresh start idea...something has to give for you to get back to living as opposed to existing. Thinking of you as always! Xx

    1. I have been looking for something from her that makes me happy. I am done looking. You shouldn't have to dig for happiness from another person. It should just happen if it is meant to be...

      I do need to get back to my simple roots. Life was so much better with less "luxuries".