My Neurologist recommended an antidepressant about a month ago. He started me with Celexa but it quickly caused constipation. Then I was switched to Wellbutrin XL 150mg taken once a day first thing in the morning. At the time I started Wellbutrin, I was going through alot of personal stuff, hence the antidepressants. I found myself having a hard time going to sleep, and when I would, quickly waking up and the mind would run for hours. Eventually it all would meld into long sleepless nights. Watching every hour pass.
This whole time I am thinking that I am having some kind of mental break down, the way 2011 happened, that I had reached my mental meltdown point and was self destructing.
I took 15 Wellbutrins. One a day. 20 nights were fucked.
While talking to my sister, she stated that she had an immediate bad reaction to Wellbutrin which included insomnia. The light bulb went on, really took a while to find the switch. I never took Wellbutrin again. It took about 5 nights for the sleeping to get better.
I had an exacerbation that I think was rooted from the lost sleep and body shutting down.
Pain from spasms in my back and legs left them barely functional. Heavy spasms in the face and extremities.
Saw my chiropractor for the back before calling neuro. He could feel the spasms in my back where I couldn't due to the pain. Tried cold laser therapy which did nothing. He offered accupuncture and I agreed but in less than a minute I was covered in sweat and lost my color.
Extremely poor bowel and bladder function/control. Most painful experience to date with MS.
About 2-3 days into steroids things started settling down.
On the third day of the exacerbation I was able to obtain some hash, and I feel like I was making a faster recovery at that time. How much? We will never know.
I got a general practice doctor last week. I had not seen a general practitioner in nearly 14 years.
He is a nice guy, a young doctor. Seems intelligent. He said he didn't know what Gilenya was before coming in to see me so he looked it up before hand. He sought out knowledge about his patient.
We discussed the anxiety issues. As I have mentioned, I believe I have developed a needle phobia likely from Rebif.
He has put me on Ativan 0.5mg twice a day. I really feel no different on this stuff. And this is supposed to have an immediate affect. Smoking some pot has the immediate affect. My muscle relaxer, pain killer, antidepressant, all from a little plant.
I am going to give Ativan until the end of the prescription to show me something, otherwise I will drop it.
I really would like to cut back on the medications taken daily. Ideally just Gilenya and a few vitamins.
That's where I would like to be.
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label insomnia. Show all posts
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Update 1/6
I think my last post didn't correctly express myself. Reading it back seems like alot of whining for not getting invited to something. It has nothing to do with invite or anything. I think at the time writing it I was coming down from a high of the prospect of socializing and communicating with someone in person that I don't see on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. And that was all, just a missed opportunity and I bitched about it.
Felt a little beat up lately. A couple days ago, a leg and an arm were giving me some trouble. Starting moving them a little better today. Numbness in my left hand has come back some. That seems to come and go as it pleases. Sleeping is getting better, almost to the point of not wanting to get up.
I have spent the last 3 evenings out at the pit having fires. My girlfriend is out of town visiting family so I am getting plenty of alone time. Getting plenty of time to think.
Doing the fire stuff takes a lot out of me. I have a few brush piles to collect wood from but all smaller pieces have been used so I have to chop quite a bit of it. I continually push myself out there for some reason.
I feel like I am pushing myself because having these fires seems to hold onto the last bit of outdoors-man I have in me.
Other than the physical strain of getting it done, I do find plenty of peace and satisfaction in my time by the fire. I will put on some music through the phone, prop the feet up and usually smoke a bit.
Yesterday I watched three deer just walk by me with no alarm or feeling of danger. It was nice having that moment with nature. Neither of us gave a shit.
I am still in search of a hobby. The fires wont be logical soon. Its already almost too cold outside. I went to a hobby shop last weekend and poked around. Found nothing that would interest me. A lot of the main hobbies there are pricey ones to get into. I also do not want to get into any kind of collecting. I don't have the room and urge to start any sort of collection. I will just keep my eyes open for something.
Might get out of the house tomorrow for some various stuff. There is an MS meeting in the afternoon with a group I have never been too. Don't know if there are any younger people there or not. Might stop by that and check it out.
And there is some live music in town tomorrow night. There is always live music, but I came across a couple shows I wouldn't mind seeing. The downtown area is very difficult to visit. Little parking, lots of walking, and everything is on a hill. No fun trying to walk around anywhere with my current problems, so we will see how I am feeling.
Felt a little beat up lately. A couple days ago, a leg and an arm were giving me some trouble. Starting moving them a little better today. Numbness in my left hand has come back some. That seems to come and go as it pleases. Sleeping is getting better, almost to the point of not wanting to get up.
I have spent the last 3 evenings out at the pit having fires. My girlfriend is out of town visiting family so I am getting plenty of alone time. Getting plenty of time to think.
Doing the fire stuff takes a lot out of me. I have a few brush piles to collect wood from but all smaller pieces have been used so I have to chop quite a bit of it. I continually push myself out there for some reason.
I feel like I am pushing myself because having these fires seems to hold onto the last bit of outdoors-man I have in me.
Other than the physical strain of getting it done, I do find plenty of peace and satisfaction in my time by the fire. I will put on some music through the phone, prop the feet up and usually smoke a bit.
Yesterday I watched three deer just walk by me with no alarm or feeling of danger. It was nice having that moment with nature. Neither of us gave a shit.
I am still in search of a hobby. The fires wont be logical soon. Its already almost too cold outside. I went to a hobby shop last weekend and poked around. Found nothing that would interest me. A lot of the main hobbies there are pricey ones to get into. I also do not want to get into any kind of collecting. I don't have the room and urge to start any sort of collection. I will just keep my eyes open for something.
Might get out of the house tomorrow for some various stuff. There is an MS meeting in the afternoon with a group I have never been too. Don't know if there are any younger people there or not. Might stop by that and check it out.
And there is some live music in town tomorrow night. There is always live music, but I came across a couple shows I wouldn't mind seeing. The downtown area is very difficult to visit. Little parking, lots of walking, and everything is on a hill. No fun trying to walk around anywhere with my current problems, so we will see how I am feeling.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2011 Recap
I had written a long recount of how my life changed new years day last year, writing it was painful, and I felt like I was taking a step backwards from moving into a new year so I cleared every word.
I will instead just run down quickly how 2011 went down as the worst year I have survived.
-New Years Day 2011. Girlfriend is "out having drinks with the girls". Accidentally calls my phone to reveal she is alone with a guy. In the following days I obtain information that she is having an affair.
-Quickly double vision affects me. After a month of waiting it out, I see an Ophthalmologist. MRI are ordered. (Optic Neuritis lasted approx 5 months)
-Received call from Ophthalmologist and was informed I have MS, over the phone.
-Within a month, met with a neurologist who prescribed Rebif.
-Started treatment on Rebif. Immediately encountered side affects and site reactions.
-After 3+ months of Rebif and two exacerbation's, made the decision to remove myself from the medication.
-Neurologist agreed with my request to switch to Gilenya. Did all pretests and deemed an acceptable patient for Gilenya. Felt immediate relief from switch of medications. Although constipation arrived as a possible withdrawal issue from Rebif.
-In July the fighting with the girlfriend was at a boiling point. She moved to her parents in another state for about a month. Even after I told her I needed more time, she arrived back on her own. But as a lonely piece of shit, I did not refuse delivery.
-In November I lost my dog to cancer. It was a sudden and very hurtful lost. She was truly a special thing in my life.
-Shock of her death caused two major anxiety/panic attacks. Suffered complete lock up, could not move hands/arms/legs and could not talk. Each lasted about 45+ minutes. First wore off in ER and walked out, and the second at home.
-Trivial but, my car could not pass the state vehicle inspection due to the tint (which is legal in the state it came from). Had to remove nice tint. Less than two weeks later the car is hit in a parking lot. No note left, just a fuck you dent.
-Insomnia that lasted about three weeks due to Wellbutrin. Took a while to figure out the link between the two, and then get the sleep back after quitting.
-One more exacerbation to let me make sure I never forget 2011. It kicked me in the balls and stood on my back for over a week. The pain made its way to my legs causing alot of difficulty walking. Bowel and bladder issues got bad. I started Predisone steroids and gradually got better.
-And just to be annoyed, leading into the new year four people said they could acquire some cannabis for me to medicate, and it all fell through. I am left with pills and more pills to get right.
All I can do is try and make 2012 a better year, but I don't know what to do. I didn't bring 2011 on myself. There was plenty bullshit that happened that was simply out of my control.
I have many voids in my life right now I need to fill somehow. The love I had for my girlfriend died long ago and I poured even more love in to my dog who returned it unconditionally. But with her passing I am left with all of this love to give and I don't think She deserves it.
There is no "I love you", no hugging or kissing. We are roommates that sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex.
The dog was the last bit of glue that held us together, now that she is gone, I am left asking why do we bother trying to work it out together. There is so much resentment and the bad times have overshadowed the good times.
I found myself standing out in the snow tonight wishing I could jump ahead 30 years or what ever it takes just so I could out live my parents and grandparents. Just long enough that they don't have to see me go.
I care to see them around more than I do myself.
I will instead just run down quickly how 2011 went down as the worst year I have survived.
-New Years Day 2011. Girlfriend is "out having drinks with the girls". Accidentally calls my phone to reveal she is alone with a guy. In the following days I obtain information that she is having an affair.
-Quickly double vision affects me. After a month of waiting it out, I see an Ophthalmologist. MRI are ordered. (Optic Neuritis lasted approx 5 months)
-Received call from Ophthalmologist and was informed I have MS, over the phone.
-Within a month, met with a neurologist who prescribed Rebif.
-Started treatment on Rebif. Immediately encountered side affects and site reactions.
-After 3+ months of Rebif and two exacerbation's, made the decision to remove myself from the medication.
-Neurologist agreed with my request to switch to Gilenya. Did all pretests and deemed an acceptable patient for Gilenya. Felt immediate relief from switch of medications. Although constipation arrived as a possible withdrawal issue from Rebif.
-In July the fighting with the girlfriend was at a boiling point. She moved to her parents in another state for about a month. Even after I told her I needed more time, she arrived back on her own. But as a lonely piece of shit, I did not refuse delivery.
-In November I lost my dog to cancer. It was a sudden and very hurtful lost. She was truly a special thing in my life.
-Shock of her death caused two major anxiety/panic attacks. Suffered complete lock up, could not move hands/arms/legs and could not talk. Each lasted about 45+ minutes. First wore off in ER and walked out, and the second at home.
-Trivial but, my car could not pass the state vehicle inspection due to the tint (which is legal in the state it came from). Had to remove nice tint. Less than two weeks later the car is hit in a parking lot. No note left, just a fuck you dent.
-Insomnia that lasted about three weeks due to Wellbutrin. Took a while to figure out the link between the two, and then get the sleep back after quitting.
-One more exacerbation to let me make sure I never forget 2011. It kicked me in the balls and stood on my back for over a week. The pain made its way to my legs causing alot of difficulty walking. Bowel and bladder issues got bad. I started Predisone steroids and gradually got better.
-And just to be annoyed, leading into the new year four people said they could acquire some cannabis for me to medicate, and it all fell through. I am left with pills and more pills to get right.
All I can do is try and make 2012 a better year, but I don't know what to do. I didn't bring 2011 on myself. There was plenty bullshit that happened that was simply out of my control.
I have many voids in my life right now I need to fill somehow. The love I had for my girlfriend died long ago and I poured even more love in to my dog who returned it unconditionally. But with her passing I am left with all of this love to give and I don't think She deserves it.
There is no "I love you", no hugging or kissing. We are roommates that sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex.
The dog was the last bit of glue that held us together, now that she is gone, I am left asking why do we bother trying to work it out together. There is so much resentment and the bad times have overshadowed the good times.
I found myself standing out in the snow tonight wishing I could jump ahead 30 years or what ever it takes just so I could out live my parents and grandparents. Just long enough that they don't have to see me go.
I care to see them around more than I do myself.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Update 12/29
Finally getting some sleep. Not a full night but getting through most of it. I am positive that Wellbutrin was fucking me up and causing the insomnia. I am gradually getting better. Back is not as bad, still some residual soreness. Seems like I am feeling spasms in my back more now. Nearly all leg pain from this exacerbation is gone.
I got my hands on one single joint a few days ago, busted it up into thirds and made it last three days. I would smoke a little before going to bed. Helped get me to sleep faster.
My dad is visiting, which has been nice. Enjoy hanging out with him. Having some good laughs and just taking it easy.
That's all I have for now. I plan on a shitty year in review type recap to cover the bullshit that was 2011.
I got my hands on one single joint a few days ago, busted it up into thirds and made it last three days. I would smoke a little before going to bed. Helped get me to sleep faster.
My dad is visiting, which has been nice. Enjoy hanging out with him. Having some good laughs and just taking it easy.
That's all I have for now. I plan on a shitty year in review type recap to cover the bullshit that was 2011.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Update 12/25
Feel like I am slowly getting better. Steroids appear to be taking affect but has taken a few days. The pain pills were barely working, and they certainly were not helping me sleep.
While talking to my sister yesterday, she said that she was on Wellbutrin at one time and within a day she developed insomnia. The light bulb went off and I put together that I haven't been sleeping for about as long as I have been on that shit. I stopped taking the medication today so we will see how that goes.
I did get more sleep last night than I have in weeks. I still kept waking up because of the pain and discomfort, but overall felt like I got some sleep. Feeling decent in the head for the first time in a while.
Still having issues with bladder and bowels. Found its best to sit and pee like a girl to get any decent stream of piss out, otherwise standing up it barely trickles out.
Also had trouble ejaculating. Girlfriend gave a bj that lasted about ten minutes when it never takes that long, I eventually told her it just wouldn't happen. So that's a bit of a bummer, don't have trouble getting it up, just getting off. Seems to have lost some sensitivity.
My dad should be arriving tomorrow evening, and I cannot wait. Looking forward to the visit. I hope the weather is nice for his visit so we can have some fires and hang outside.
Hope everyone is having a nice Christmas.
While talking to my sister yesterday, she said that she was on Wellbutrin at one time and within a day she developed insomnia. The light bulb went off and I put together that I haven't been sleeping for about as long as I have been on that shit. I stopped taking the medication today so we will see how that goes.
I did get more sleep last night than I have in weeks. I still kept waking up because of the pain and discomfort, but overall felt like I got some sleep. Feeling decent in the head for the first time in a while.
Still having issues with bladder and bowels. Found its best to sit and pee like a girl to get any decent stream of piss out, otherwise standing up it barely trickles out.
Also had trouble ejaculating. Girlfriend gave a bj that lasted about ten minutes when it never takes that long, I eventually told her it just wouldn't happen. So that's a bit of a bummer, don't have trouble getting it up, just getting off. Seems to have lost some sensitivity.
My dad should be arriving tomorrow evening, and I cannot wait. Looking forward to the visit. I hope the weather is nice for his visit so we can have some fires and hang outside.
Hope everyone is having a nice Christmas.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Why?
Still no sleep. Going on third day in a row with zero hours. I took two Vicodin and tried to go to bed around 9pm, and couldn't fall asleep. I just got up to take another. Thought I would throw a post up to see if this might clear my mind.
I still have the back pain, and leg pain. I cannot take a shit and I cannot piss right. I have been drinking a ton of water, I always do, but more than usual hoping to avoid constipation. I feel like I am going to piss myself, I go to the bathroom, and nothing will come out, I have to stand there forever to get a trickle. Spasms have been a lot worse lately. A lot of tremors and shit. I am struggling to walk, fighting myself to not get in the wheelchair. Pride is a hell of a thing.
I need to get my shit together, I have family visiting next week and I don't want to be like this.
Not that I have enough to deal with, but some fucking asshole hit my car today while I was in a store. They hit the front passenger side fucking up the front of the car near the headlight. They took off and left no note. You would think around Christmas someone might have a change of heart in pulling shit like that. I had just finished donating money to the St. Judes Children's Research Hospital in the store I was in (I have a soft spot for any children charity's)...That's how God/Karma/Life/What-The-Fuck-Ever thanks me?
Still no pot, three people who can get it, couldn't this week... No choice but wait until Monday. Even then I have very little hope that it will actually happen.
I feel like a broken man. I have lost all hope and faith in my life. I am being honest here, I feel like I am losing it.
I even feel like I am losing support from my girlfriend. I tried to apologize to her, and let her know that I realize it must be hard for her because she also has to live with my issues too and she comes back with "You need to realize that other people out there have it worse". As I have stated before, I fucking hate hearing that. I fully understand and aware there are people with fucked up stuff going on. People are living on the streets, people are going hungry, people are dying that want to live, people with worst diseases that mine, or worst luck that I have. I am aware of all of this also includes children, which absolutely breaks my heart.
But I have to live in this body with my own problems and I still have not found a way to embrace the way I am now. I am still mourning the death of my old self. He is gone. I will never be the same person again. I know this and I won't be told otherwise.
Pill is kicking in and I am going to try and ride it to sleep. Hopefully getting these thoughts out will help.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Update 12/23
Another night, and no sleep. No sleep at all. I watched every hour change from 9pm to 6am this morning and I finally had to just get up, couldn't lay in bed any longer.
The back pain still persists, and it spread to my legs, making even more difficult to walk. I can't describe the feeling having to take 8 pills (4 Prednisone). Its depressing.
I called the neurologist yesterday morning around 9am because I got less than an hour of sleep that night. I left a message requesting something to immediately ease my pain. I have never taken pain pills but I was in dire need.
I went all day waiting for a call back. I called them at 4:30pm and the fucking emergency answering service picks up, the office had already switched the phones over. I did not leave a message with them.
At this point I am upset, cussing up a storm. "I can't fucking believe they would treat a patient like this" and on and on. Since they are closed on Friday and Monday I am thinking I am stuck with this pain. I am already planning on going to the liquor store and getting a bottle of whiskey to drink myself asleep, which I know would be dangerous with the medications I am on, but I am desperate (and I don't drink).
My doctor calls at 5:30pm, finally!! We discuss the issue, and I told him flat out that I needed something for the pain and that I haven't been sleeping, the whole thing. He prescribes me Vicodin (Hydrocodon-Acetaminophin). This is not really what I had in mind but its something. I don't know much about pain pills but I know these are a milder pill.
I told him I am heading to the pharmacy right now. I get to the pharmacy and they haven't received the script yet. (I live 10 minutes away) 15 minutes pass and it finally arrives. The prescription has a digital signature on it and they won't accept it. WHAT THE FUCK?! So I have to call the doctor office, leave a message with the emergency call back service, for him to call me back. They wont take the pharmacy number so he can call directly. He calls me back in about 10 minutes. Told him they wouldn't take the digital and that he would need to call it in. Right after we hang up, I hear an automated "Call for pharmacy". Within a few minutes I hear this multiple times. I waited about 20 minutes before I gimp over to counter to ask if my doctor called, they say no, but one guy speaks up and says "oh but there is a voicemail". It was my doctor, and he did call 20 minutes earlier. You dumb motherfuckers... The tech rambles on shit about the milligrams and everything, I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I have never taken them before. He had a surprised look on his face and said "oh really?" Yeah dickhead, you have my script record right in front of you.
Maybe I was just cranky from the pain or lost of sleep, but I felt like I was treated like your run of the mill young dope head that talked his doctor into pain pills.
So a simple trip to pharmacy took an hour. With no sleep and barely able to walk, I was not happy.
The Vicodin doesn't seem to do much. When I finish work today I will take a couple of them, maybe three so I can hopefully get knocked out and sleep some. Tried to get some pot all week but everything fell through. Giving it one last go this afternoon, otherwise I will have to wait until Monday, when I have some pot and hash on the way, and that's a near guarantee. For some reason I feel like it is my key to getting to sleep. When I had it on a regular basis I could always smoke a little before going to bed and sleep like a baby.
I can drive 2 hours to visit a friend to get some, but I don't think I can comfortably sit in a car for 2 hours each way. The pain would not be worth it.
I really wish I had some smoke for the holidays. They are tough enough as it is with everything that's happened this year. When I smoke I can think at the pace I want to or need to, but what helps is having the ability to slow down my thinking. My brain seems like it does't have to be in overdrive. A sober me thinks way too much and about the wrong things.
I am unable to see my psychologist for the next couple weeks, I was supposed to see her yesterday, but her husband who has cancer has taken a turn for the worse and is in hospice now. At times I feel like I really need to talk to her, but I will survive. My problems with either be here or wont when she is ready to see me, unfortunately her's may not be.
Not sure if I will post much over the holiday weekend. Might throw up an update. We will see.
The back pain still persists, and it spread to my legs, making even more difficult to walk. I can't describe the feeling having to take 8 pills (4 Prednisone). Its depressing.
I called the neurologist yesterday morning around 9am because I got less than an hour of sleep that night. I left a message requesting something to immediately ease my pain. I have never taken pain pills but I was in dire need.
I went all day waiting for a call back. I called them at 4:30pm and the fucking emergency answering service picks up, the office had already switched the phones over. I did not leave a message with them.
At this point I am upset, cussing up a storm. "I can't fucking believe they would treat a patient like this" and on and on. Since they are closed on Friday and Monday I am thinking I am stuck with this pain. I am already planning on going to the liquor store and getting a bottle of whiskey to drink myself asleep, which I know would be dangerous with the medications I am on, but I am desperate (and I don't drink).
My doctor calls at 5:30pm, finally!! We discuss the issue, and I told him flat out that I needed something for the pain and that I haven't been sleeping, the whole thing. He prescribes me Vicodin (Hydrocodon-Acetaminophin). This is not really what I had in mind but its something. I don't know much about pain pills but I know these are a milder pill.
I told him I am heading to the pharmacy right now. I get to the pharmacy and they haven't received the script yet. (I live 10 minutes away) 15 minutes pass and it finally arrives. The prescription has a digital signature on it and they won't accept it. WHAT THE FUCK?! So I have to call the doctor office, leave a message with the emergency call back service, for him to call me back. They wont take the pharmacy number so he can call directly. He calls me back in about 10 minutes. Told him they wouldn't take the digital and that he would need to call it in. Right after we hang up, I hear an automated "Call for pharmacy". Within a few minutes I hear this multiple times. I waited about 20 minutes before I gimp over to counter to ask if my doctor called, they say no, but one guy speaks up and says "oh but there is a voicemail". It was my doctor, and he did call 20 minutes earlier. You dumb motherfuckers... The tech rambles on shit about the milligrams and everything, I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I have never taken them before. He had a surprised look on his face and said "oh really?" Yeah dickhead, you have my script record right in front of you.
Maybe I was just cranky from the pain or lost of sleep, but I felt like I was treated like your run of the mill young dope head that talked his doctor into pain pills.
So a simple trip to pharmacy took an hour. With no sleep and barely able to walk, I was not happy.
The Vicodin doesn't seem to do much. When I finish work today I will take a couple of them, maybe three so I can hopefully get knocked out and sleep some. Tried to get some pot all week but everything fell through. Giving it one last go this afternoon, otherwise I will have to wait until Monday, when I have some pot and hash on the way, and that's a near guarantee. For some reason I feel like it is my key to getting to sleep. When I had it on a regular basis I could always smoke a little before going to bed and sleep like a baby.
I can drive 2 hours to visit a friend to get some, but I don't think I can comfortably sit in a car for 2 hours each way. The pain would not be worth it.
I really wish I had some smoke for the holidays. They are tough enough as it is with everything that's happened this year. When I smoke I can think at the pace I want to or need to, but what helps is having the ability to slow down my thinking. My brain seems like it does't have to be in overdrive. A sober me thinks way too much and about the wrong things.
I am unable to see my psychologist for the next couple weeks, I was supposed to see her yesterday, but her husband who has cancer has taken a turn for the worse and is in hospice now. At times I feel like I really need to talk to her, but I will survive. My problems with either be here or wont when she is ready to see me, unfortunately her's may not be.
Not sure if I will post much over the holiday weekend. Might throw up an update. We will see.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Exacerbation 12/21
Turns out that I am having an exacerbation.
I woke up today with the worst pain I have experienced in my life. My back is killing me, I cannot move any direction, or even sit without feeling the pain. There is no comfortable position period.
I went to my chiropractor this afternoon, he could feel my back muscles were very stiff, and the left side of my back was having spasms, which I cannot feel because of the pain. He concluded that the pain I am experiencing was MS related and not anything he could adjust.
We attempted the traction table which separates the vertebrae to allow calcium to enter and help rebuild the cartilage. I do this every time I go there with no problems, but today the pain was so much I stopped within a minute of being on the table. He then used cold laser therapy which did nothing.
I called my neurologist when I got home to report the issue. The PA called me back and discussed the issue. They believe I am having an exacerbation, or at the beginning of one.
They gave me the option of going to hospital to get IV steroids but I opted for the oral medication.
I was prescribed Prednisone which I have taken earlier this year with my last exacerbation.
I was also prescribed Mobic (Meloxicam) for pain and also Cymbalta for pain.
This is the last fucking thing I need right now. I cannot sit or lay down. I am in a lot of pain.
Is this everyone's idea of it getting better?
I woke up today with the worst pain I have experienced in my life. My back is killing me, I cannot move any direction, or even sit without feeling the pain. There is no comfortable position period.
I went to my chiropractor this afternoon, he could feel my back muscles were very stiff, and the left side of my back was having spasms, which I cannot feel because of the pain. He concluded that the pain I am experiencing was MS related and not anything he could adjust.
We attempted the traction table which separates the vertebrae to allow calcium to enter and help rebuild the cartilage. I do this every time I go there with no problems, but today the pain was so much I stopped within a minute of being on the table. He then used cold laser therapy which did nothing.
I called my neurologist when I got home to report the issue. The PA called me back and discussed the issue. They believe I am having an exacerbation, or at the beginning of one.
They gave me the option of going to hospital to get IV steroids but I opted for the oral medication.
I was prescribed Prednisone which I have taken earlier this year with my last exacerbation.
I was also prescribed Mobic (Meloxicam) for pain and also Cymbalta for pain.
This is the last fucking thing I need right now. I cannot sit or lay down. I am in a lot of pain.
Is this everyone's idea of it getting better?
Update 12/21
Woke up today and I can barely move. I am dealing with a tremendous amount of back pain. I don't know if its spasticity or what. I can't bend it in any direction. I cannot find a comfortable position.
I took a Zanaflex already hoping that if it was spasticity that it would settle down, coming up on an hour and nothing.
I did not sleep well again last night. I continue to sleep in the guest room which has a firmer mattress, and generally has been better for my back. That is whats worrying me that this issue may be MS related. My back hasn't felt well since the weekend wood chopping shit, but nothing like this. I just saw a chiropractor yesterday, and felt better after I left his office.
Supposed to get some pot today or tomorrow. All of the sudden I know 2 people that can get me stuff, although they are people I barely know, so I am a little skeptical. But we will see.
I am supposed to get some pot and hash from another state in the coming weeks. I look forward to the hash, its generally stronger and might be the most beneficial thing I get for my spasms (and my back).
Alright, I am going to whine like a baby and try and find a comfortable position. I have to just deal with it because I have to work. I have no option, I have to work. I have bills to pay and drugs to buy.
I took a Zanaflex already hoping that if it was spasticity that it would settle down, coming up on an hour and nothing.
I did not sleep well again last night. I continue to sleep in the guest room which has a firmer mattress, and generally has been better for my back. That is whats worrying me that this issue may be MS related. My back hasn't felt well since the weekend wood chopping shit, but nothing like this. I just saw a chiropractor yesterday, and felt better after I left his office.
Supposed to get some pot today or tomorrow. All of the sudden I know 2 people that can get me stuff, although they are people I barely know, so I am a little skeptical. But we will see.
I am supposed to get some pot and hash from another state in the coming weeks. I look forward to the hash, its generally stronger and might be the most beneficial thing I get for my spasms (and my back).
Alright, I am going to whine like a baby and try and find a comfortable position. I have to just deal with it because I have to work. I have no option, I have to work. I have bills to pay and drugs to buy.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Update 12/19
Holy shit that christmas party was boring. There was a few hundred people there, but none of the younger people my girlfriend works with showed up. So we were stuck sitting at a table with old people that chat about the weather and other nonsense. My girlfriend and I were a little over dressed. She planned her outfit a week in advance, bought a nice dress, shoes, the whole thing. She was dressed to impress, but none of her regular co-workers showed up. I had to dress nicer than I normally would to keep up. We lasted less than an hour there.
Oh well, I did my part, shook hands and laughed at stupid unfunny jokes.
I increased my sleeping to about 6 hours last night, I hope I am getting this turned around. I started sleeping in my regular bed, but after an hour of not being able to sleep, I grabbed my pillow and went to the guest room. The bed is a little more comfortable in there. My bed is old and was a hand-me-down from my parents, don't know how long they had it before me. I am well past due for a new bed, but cannot afford one right now.
I got really pissed at work today, I wont go into too many details but basically they are starting to pay people for work that I have been doing for 10 years with no extra pay, and they start this shit after I move. I used the word "reparations" when expressing my issue with this, its probably too strong for this situation, but they got the point. I have worked for the same company for 12 years and counting, the part that pissed me off really wasn't the past work I have done, but I asked to take on the future work so I could make extra money, and I was told that it may upset the employees there since I would take away from their ability to make more.. Is that how an employee that has been with the company since it started is treated? When I started, there was only 5 employees total, now there is over 50. I have played an important part in building this company. I worked weekends and holidays for years to keep things going. I actually had clients cry when I told them I was moving, some have told me I am a reason they use our company (which I HATED to hear) and continue to get clients asking when I will be down there again to visit them.
All these years, regardless of how important I was told I was, I never grew any sense of entitlement. I never grew a big head like other employees have after working there for a year.
That said, I will not make a big deal about this, I will continue to do my job.
Waiting to hear from my Dad if he will come visit the week after christmas. I hope he does, I miss hanging out with him. He likes to hang out by a fire like I do, so yesterday I beat myself up a bit with all of that wood cutting incase he comes to visit, we will have alot of wood to burn. Anytime he has visited we usually hang out by the fire pit, smoke some joints and chat.
I forgot to mention, when I was hanging out by the fire yesterday, it was hard to not get upset. It was the first fire I had since my dog died, and when she was around, she would always hang out down there with me. If you went outside, she wanted to be outside.
To get a mental picture of the setup, the back of the property goes down a little on a slope. There is a wood deck where it levels out, and a few feet past the desk is a big fire pit made of stones that were found around the property that make a roughly 5 foot wide pit. Beyond that is a wooded area.
She always sat next to me on the deck, sometimes getting up to sniff around or chase a squirrel.
It's been hard because she was involved in nearly all facets of my life, even something as simple as sitting by a fire...
Oh well, I did my part, shook hands and laughed at stupid unfunny jokes.
I increased my sleeping to about 6 hours last night, I hope I am getting this turned around. I started sleeping in my regular bed, but after an hour of not being able to sleep, I grabbed my pillow and went to the guest room. The bed is a little more comfortable in there. My bed is old and was a hand-me-down from my parents, don't know how long they had it before me. I am well past due for a new bed, but cannot afford one right now.
I got really pissed at work today, I wont go into too many details but basically they are starting to pay people for work that I have been doing for 10 years with no extra pay, and they start this shit after I move. I used the word "reparations" when expressing my issue with this, its probably too strong for this situation, but they got the point. I have worked for the same company for 12 years and counting, the part that pissed me off really wasn't the past work I have done, but I asked to take on the future work so I could make extra money, and I was told that it may upset the employees there since I would take away from their ability to make more.. Is that how an employee that has been with the company since it started is treated? When I started, there was only 5 employees total, now there is over 50. I have played an important part in building this company. I worked weekends and holidays for years to keep things going. I actually had clients cry when I told them I was moving, some have told me I am a reason they use our company (which I HATED to hear) and continue to get clients asking when I will be down there again to visit them.
All these years, regardless of how important I was told I was, I never grew any sense of entitlement. I never grew a big head like other employees have after working there for a year.
That said, I will not make a big deal about this, I will continue to do my job.
Waiting to hear from my Dad if he will come visit the week after christmas. I hope he does, I miss hanging out with him. He likes to hang out by a fire like I do, so yesterday I beat myself up a bit with all of that wood cutting incase he comes to visit, we will have alot of wood to burn. Anytime he has visited we usually hang out by the fire pit, smoke some joints and chat.
I forgot to mention, when I was hanging out by the fire yesterday, it was hard to not get upset. It was the first fire I had since my dog died, and when she was around, she would always hang out down there with me. If you went outside, she wanted to be outside.
To get a mental picture of the setup, the back of the property goes down a little on a slope. There is a wood deck where it levels out, and a few feet past the desk is a big fire pit made of stones that were found around the property that make a roughly 5 foot wide pit. Beyond that is a wooded area.
She always sat next to me on the deck, sometimes getting up to sniff around or chase a squirrel.
It's been hard because she was involved in nearly all facets of my life, even something as simple as sitting by a fire...
(this is where I go to let my mind run off)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Update 12/18
I managed to get five hours of sleep both friday and saturday night.
I know what I was doing but I did it anyways, last night I took two Marinol, two Zanaflex (I always take two before bed), a Tylenol PM, and I squeezed out some Marinol on some old roach papers (for those that don't know, these are from joints that were smoked down to 1/2 inch size, then the pot in them were smoked, leaving what's usually trash) and smoked that. Got nice and fucked up and went to bed. Still only managed to squeeze five hours out of it.
Spent the day today down at my fire pit and burned old brush and limbs for a few hours. I wore myself out cutting stuff up with a hatchet. I purposely pushed myself until I couldn't move anymore. Don't know why, I just did. I became obsessed with cutting this one log in half (with the hatchet), I was swinging it until I couldn't lift my arm anymore. I would sit down, and when I could move my arm, go back and start cutting again.
I finally cut that fucker in half, and I feel like I conquered something today. As sore and wore out as I feel, the feeling of cutting that shit is greater than the pain.
I have a christmas party to go to shortly. I am spent, and I will still go to this thing. The girlfriend is a little pissed that I pushed myself today. She kept coming out and telling me to quit playing with the fire because she knew I was going to tire out. Fuck it. Maybe I need to push myself to toughen up a bit and just deal with it. I certainly feel a lot more weak physically and mentally this year, I need to turn it around.
This song is an oldie, but has re-emerged in the last couple years, due to a show that uses it as it's theme song. (The Life and Times of Tim)
I didn't know this was Hank Williams' last song he ever recorded.
I know what I was doing but I did it anyways, last night I took two Marinol, two Zanaflex (I always take two before bed), a Tylenol PM, and I squeezed out some Marinol on some old roach papers (for those that don't know, these are from joints that were smoked down to 1/2 inch size, then the pot in them were smoked, leaving what's usually trash) and smoked that. Got nice and fucked up and went to bed. Still only managed to squeeze five hours out of it.
Spent the day today down at my fire pit and burned old brush and limbs for a few hours. I wore myself out cutting stuff up with a hatchet. I purposely pushed myself until I couldn't move anymore. Don't know why, I just did. I became obsessed with cutting this one log in half (with the hatchet), I was swinging it until I couldn't lift my arm anymore. I would sit down, and when I could move my arm, go back and start cutting again.
I finally cut that fucker in half, and I feel like I conquered something today. As sore and wore out as I feel, the feeling of cutting that shit is greater than the pain.
I have a christmas party to go to shortly. I am spent, and I will still go to this thing. The girlfriend is a little pissed that I pushed myself today. She kept coming out and telling me to quit playing with the fire because she knew I was going to tire out. Fuck it. Maybe I need to push myself to toughen up a bit and just deal with it. I certainly feel a lot more weak physically and mentally this year, I need to turn it around.
This song is an oldie, but has re-emerged in the last couple years, due to a show that uses it as it's theme song. (The Life and Times of Tim)
I didn't know this was Hank Williams' last song he ever recorded.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tired
It always has to be something right?
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
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