Sunday, December 18, 2011

Update 12/18

I managed to get five hours of sleep both friday and saturday night.
I know what I was doing but I did it anyways, last night I took two Marinol, two Zanaflex (I always take two before bed), a Tylenol PM, and I squeezed out some Marinol on some old roach papers (for those that don't know, these are from joints that were smoked down to 1/2 inch size, then the pot in them were smoked, leaving what's usually trash) and smoked that. Got nice and fucked up and went to bed. Still only managed to squeeze five hours out of it.

Spent the day today down at my fire pit and burned old brush and limbs for a few hours. I wore myself out cutting stuff up with a hatchet. I purposely pushed myself until I couldn't move anymore. Don't know why, I just did. I became obsessed with cutting this one log in half (with the hatchet), I was swinging it until I couldn't lift my arm anymore. I would sit down, and when I could move my arm, go back and start cutting again.
I finally cut that fucker in half, and I feel like I conquered something today. As sore and wore out as I feel, the feeling of cutting that shit is greater than the pain.

I have a christmas party to go to shortly. I am spent, and I will still go to this thing. The girlfriend is a little pissed that I pushed myself today. She kept coming out and telling me to quit playing with the fire because she knew I was going to tire out. Fuck it. Maybe I need to push myself to toughen up a bit and just deal with it. I certainly feel a lot more weak physically and mentally this year, I need to turn it around.

This song is an oldie, but has re-emerged in the last couple years, due to a show that uses it as it's theme song. (The Life and Times of Tim)
I didn't know this was Hank Williams' last song he ever recorded.


  1. I can't say don't push yourself, cos I do the same. I'll struggle on till I can't walk, maybe to prove to myself I still can. Despite knowing it'll fuck me up for days after, I still do it. Despite your girlfriend's faults, it's obvious she still cares for you. That's good.

    Hope you got on okay at the Christmas shindig and you can at least have a little fun. Glad you managed some sleep at least. Insomnia can be a bitch to break, so taking whatever you need to break it, go for it.


  2. I am glad to read this. Sounds like you are heading in a good direction!:)Physical work is a good thing, both for the physical and mental health. But don`t push yourself TOO hard, my friend!

    It`s good that you are sleeping a bit more too. Although 5 hours isn`t a lot. I thought I had a "sleeping problem", although for a total different reason. My two kids, and occasionaly our dog keep me awake. I probable sleep about 6-7 hours every night.....I can imagine you must be really tired!! Maybe your outdoor activity will improve it?:) Specially if you have some daylight where you live.

    I hope the Christmas party turned out all right.