Thursday, December 8, 2011

12/8 Thoughts...

I miss my old self. I miss feeling healthy, being in love, and the various friendships.
Before MS, I felt unstoppable. I was strong and confident. Even through strings of bad luck in the past I could always overcome the issues and survive stronger.
The MS seems to have broken me down so much that the wall in front of me feels like it cannot be climbed over or torn down.

When I look back at the last ten-twelve years I almost don't recognize the person I used to be. In almost three years I have wilted away. I live thousands of miles from where I grew up. I am not in contact with any of my old friends. I moved where I did in hopes to shake off whatever was bringing me down, and to be even more active with the outdoors. But months later I was brought down more and more until I was diagnosed.
I used to be a political activist. I was very active in my political community, taking part in many protests. I was on top of the world happenings, and what wasn't happening on the front page. I knew my local and federal government well.
Then came a time where I quickly lost faith in the government, lost faith in their dedication to the People. I think around that time I started losing my faith in religion as well. It seemed like my third eye of sorts had opened and I was seeing clearly for the first time. Both the antics of government and religion were designed to keep me busy, keep me occupied with the bullshit they fed us, it's enough to either like or hate them, but it consumes you. They both offer a ball of yarn while the real bullshit is underway. I feel both entities are just businesses.

I am not going to get into any deep religious debate or discussion here. I am on the fence and will stay there for a while. I am not currently going to seek out religion, I know I am ripe for the picking right now. I am a prime vulnerable target to be a new customer member of a bank church.
While I do appreciate some of you trying to help, but preaching is not for me right now. I am beyond the point of that right now.

I look forward to tomorrow because it's not today.


  1. Very well written thoughts. I can recognise some of them. Been a different way. Even though not as terrible. If I have been preaching, I am sorry, I never meant to. Sending good thoughts and hope and reiki! All for you:)

  2. I am still thinking about you. Do you talk to someone about all this. Your psyciatrist maybe, but anyone else? Your family? Although they live far away....
    At least I am glad you write about it. And I admire how you keep your day going. It shows great strenght to feel the way you do and still express and reflect upon it all so well. Thank you for letting us know you!

  3. Its easy when you hide behind a website like this and attempt to be anonymous. You can say anything you want. I could be a healthy vibrant teenager with a wild imagination.
    I wish I was...
    Point is, I feel a bit cowardly with the way I currently handle this.
    I reckon most people wouldn't publish most of the stuff I have written. Just maybe some else is going through some rough stuff and see how I (try to) handle it.

    Thank you for reading and caring.

  4. Maybe you ARE a vibrant teenager. Or someone else with a strong imagination. What do I know:)
    But if you are a real person and these are your real thoughts and feelings, then you are not being a coward! Far from it. It is not easy to handle such difficult things when you are in the middle of it. But later on you will probable realize it isn`t a problem to talk about it. However much it hurts; this is real life, real thoughts. Hehe...I belive. I don`t think you are making this up. I know you only through what you write here and I want to be your friend:)

  5. I just feel a bit cowardly when I read all of the other MS blogs out there, most of these people are out there, they show their face, let people further into their lives. Most of them share the blog with their family.
    I on the other hand, hide behind a website, actually afraid someone I know will read it and put it together.
    Although, there are only a couple people I know with MS, they may not know me well enough to add it up.
    My family wouldn't be scouring the MS blogs.
    I actually went back and removed the name and picture of my dog just incase.
    That, I feel is being cowardly.

    I kinda envy people like Matt (from Matt's MS). He is out there, letting people know, "Here I am, here is whats going on, take it or leave it."
    I tell people whats going on and that is what you get.

    I'm sure I am over-thinking it, I mean, we are only talking about the difference between showing a face and a name, and not.

    The benefit to hiding behind "AnonyMS" is I share more than I would normally. There's stuff here I wouldn't tell a best friend.

    I have recently fantasized about any moment waking up to find myself back in my teens. Just to get that health back and that this is all a really fucked up dream/nightmare.

  6. Yes, there are a lot of MS blogs out there, with a face and a name on it. Maybe they don`t need one more? Hehe. Your blog is different. If you don`t feel like being one of them, then that is your choice:)

    But if you WANT to be open about it, but find it difficult then that is something else I guess.

    What do you think will happen if people get to know how you are feeling? Will it make things easier for you? Maybe you could try to tell someone a bit more than you usually do and see how you feel about it. Because that is the important thing; how you feel about it.

    It is maybe easier for women to talk about feelings and stuff:) I am lucky to have a group of people whom I really can talk to. But sometimes I wish I could keep more things to myself then I do. that is the opposite version of it. I guess we all have to find our own balance. And it will differ from time to time and whether we find people we trust well enough etc.

    I think it can bring people closer to each other if we talk about difficult things and how we feel. And there is a big difference between talking and constant complaining.

    There is nothing in your blog which a best friend couldn`t tell me. I feel very fortunate to read your real thoughts!! I wish all the very best for you!!

  7. If my family read what I have or do write, I would be devastated. I put up a facade because I feel like I am kind of protecting them. They live so far away that they cannot do anything to help me. Some family already feels helpless, the truth of my problems would make it even worse.

    No one outside of this blog and my psychologist know about my girlfriend's cheating.

    My family knows about some difficulties I have with MS, but only because they have come to visit and I cannot hide it. Their reaction to those times has made me want to hide the issues from them.

    I think some can tell I am not completely honest, because I occasionally get asked "Now truthfully, how are you feeling".

    It is what it is, and they will just have to deal with the way I am handling it. And if that means acting like its all ok and nothing is wrong, then so be it.
    A part of me feels better knowing they think I am ok.

  8. My heart goes out to you!!


  9. You must be a strong person. I could never have managed to do what you are doing. Despite of your suffering you think about everyone else and how they feel. And you want to protect them.
    What about your girlfriend? She must know how you feel? I admire your strength, but still...let me tell you what I am thinking...

    I found your blog because I was looking for information on MS. I have a colleague with MS. I think that if he would talk about how things are it would be easier. Because it is true that most people can tell something is wrong...Talking about it doesn`t change it, but maybe it can help on the depression. I am on the outside of all this, but I know it makes me feel better aswell if I am given the opportunity to listen and talk about it and show that I care. It is hard pretending everything is ok when I know it isn`t.

    I do understand you want to protect your family. But even if you don`t tell them everything, let them be there for you as far as they can!

    Some people say that there is suffering and illness in the world because other people need to develop their compassion and empathy. I believe that is no explanation to such an unfair distribution of pain. It can`t be explained. But still...if people can develop their compassion that is absolutely a positive side effect of it all.

    I really like talking to you. Maybe you think I write a lot of BS. But I guess my bottom line is; you need someone to care about you aswell. If they want to, then let them. That doesn`t mean you have to reveal all of your inner thoughts.
    Take care!!

  10. My girlfriend does know for the most part about my daily struggles but she tends to write it off.
    She thinks that the pain and discomfort is all controlled by my brain and that I should be able to keep it all at bay... Well no shit its in my head, I have a neurological disease and stuff is happening with my brain that I simply cannot control. (we just had an argument about this last night)

    I enjoy conversing with the readers of this site. I really don't consider any comments to be BS. I did kinda get a little snippy with one person that posted a page or two worth of copy/paste preaching and I just didn't care for it.
    I will never censor the readers here, and I would never hold a persons beliefs against them.
    To each their own.

    Thank you for reading, I hope you can see the side of MS that goes beyond the peaches and cream that is posted elsewhere.

    As long as my life is gritty, the posts and tone around here will follow.

  11. Of course it`s not all in your head! Well, in a way as it starts in your brain. But in a physical way. I do understand that much.
    Keep writing:)