Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Another year...another symptom.

This blog is one year old with 90 posts completed.
Its been a long year since I started this blog. My physical and mental state have been in decline since I started this blog.
I don't really know what I expected to get from this experience, but if I had to be completely honest with everyone and myself, it has not added anything to my life. I cannot recall writing here, posting it, leaning back in my chair and thinking "I feel so much fucking better now". At times I walk away feeling more pathetic and useless because I just finished highlighting what is wrong with me and what I have zero control over.
However. I am grateful for the relationships that have come from this blog...but honestly they do not make a single thing easier. Knowing someone else that is having more or less problems than me does not make me feel better. It worsens my distaste for life.

I have heard this multiple times and I want to throat punch someone who claims that they are grateful they got MS because it made them who they are today. Keep it to yourself and try not to rub your shit in my face. We both know you are lying.

I started LDN but only for three days. As people have warned, it can cause insomnia, sure enough each night I have taken it, by 3am I am fully awake and trying my best not to get out of bed.
Three days into LDN, I started having some severe pain in my right hand, the following day I couldn't move my hand I was in so much pain. After researching the matter, I suspect I dealt with Gout in my hand. Its a type of arthritis that attacks joints and is usually caused by high Uric Acid.
I had gone almost a month without red meat and then I had a string of 3 days straight having beef. Oddly this was good grass fed, organic beef from a local farm where you can buy some meats fresh and never frozen. Beef is known to cause high Uric acid for some.
I did not go to a doctor for blood work, so I do not know what my Uric Acid levels were.
One thing giving me some doubt is that my dad deals with gout in his feet from time to time. He swears by black cherry juice. His doctor recommended it, and he said within an hour of drinking a glass he gets relief.
I drank 32oz of that shit and got no relief. It wasn't until a couple days had passed that it started getting better each day.
Another 'fuck you' was that it affected my right hand. I use a cane to support my right side and leg.... I was fucked for a couple days there.

Alright so three days into LDN, the hand fucks up so I stopped it. After the hand got it's shit together, I had family visit me, and that pushed off starting it again on hold.
After family left I took it one night, woke up at 3am and stayed up all night. Have not taken it again since. Some people take it in the morning, and I may try that later in the week.

Right side of body has gone numb. This is only the second time that I have dealt with a half body numbness. I have had numbness in my fingers come and go but the half body numb shit has not showed itself since my first major exacerbation. It makes everything a bit uncomfortable, mainly walking. I feel like my right leg is a peg leg. I have little feeling around my knee so each step I feel like my leg is balancing on that knee and can fall out from under me at any moment.
I have that weird numb pain. How you can be in pain where its numb is beyond me and I cannot explain.

I still have not moved. Every place I look at has some sort of deal breaker. And others that don't appear to have deal breakers go fast and always before I can get to see the place.
Because I am looking to move to another city and state that is almost three hours from me, it is difficult for me to see a place on a weekday.
I had a perfect place I was going to see tomorrow but got a call this evening that someone put a deposit on the place. Since winter is upon us, my moving window has pretty much closed and I will have to stay where I am at until spring.
I really wanted to get the fuck out of here. I need a change badly. I wanted a new environment, new house, new community, new everything.
It's hard finding a place far enough out of the city that has internet and doesn't have some neighbor up in your shit. I don't want to see you, hear you or smell you.

I will eventually stop posting here, and the blog will become dormant and stale as other MS blogs have. It'll be in the mix of MS blogs that you stumble across every once in a while and the last post is two years old. You wonder how the person is doing and if MS is preventing them from updating.

Thanks for reading, now and then.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


Someone threw me a fucking bone.

Found out at my last MS meeting that someone there was prescribed LDN by a doctor at the same practice I go to.
I called my doctor and re-requested an LDN prescription and let him know about his own fucking co-worker prescribing it after I was told they had never a couple months ago. They also said they would not prescribe something to be used off-label (which is exactly what they/I did with Marinol).
He said its not what I should be doing for my MS and not the treatment plan I should be following, but reluctantly prescribed it anyways.

They are mailing the prescription since I do not know where I am getting it from. There is a compounding pharmacy in my town but the lady who used LDN, said it didn't work for her. That means nothing except it didn't work for her. But it makes me wonder if I shouldn't get LDN from a list of known good compounding pharmacies online. 
I will likely order it online since I really have one shot at this. If it doesn't work, I will not go through the trouble and expense to try it again later in life.

That really is all that's good in this pathetic life. Still broke, have not moved yet. Still unhappy and feel like shit.