Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Another year...another symptom.

This blog is one year old with 90 posts completed.
Its been a long year since I started this blog. My physical and mental state have been in decline since I started this blog.
I don't really know what I expected to get from this experience, but if I had to be completely honest with everyone and myself, it has not added anything to my life. I cannot recall writing here, posting it, leaning back in my chair and thinking "I feel so much fucking better now". At times I walk away feeling more pathetic and useless because I just finished highlighting what is wrong with me and what I have zero control over.
However. I am grateful for the relationships that have come from this blog...but honestly they do not make a single thing easier. Knowing someone else that is having more or less problems than me does not make me feel better. It worsens my distaste for life.

I have heard this multiple times and I want to throat punch someone who claims that they are grateful they got MS because it made them who they are today. Keep it to yourself and try not to rub your shit in my face. We both know you are lying.

I started LDN but only for three days. As people have warned, it can cause insomnia, sure enough each night I have taken it, by 3am I am fully awake and trying my best not to get out of bed.
Three days into LDN, I started having some severe pain in my right hand, the following day I couldn't move my hand I was in so much pain. After researching the matter, I suspect I dealt with Gout in my hand. Its a type of arthritis that attacks joints and is usually caused by high Uric Acid.
I had gone almost a month without red meat and then I had a string of 3 days straight having beef. Oddly this was good grass fed, organic beef from a local farm where you can buy some meats fresh and never frozen. Beef is known to cause high Uric acid for some.
I did not go to a doctor for blood work, so I do not know what my Uric Acid levels were.
One thing giving me some doubt is that my dad deals with gout in his feet from time to time. He swears by black cherry juice. His doctor recommended it, and he said within an hour of drinking a glass he gets relief.
I drank 32oz of that shit and got no relief. It wasn't until a couple days had passed that it started getting better each day.
Another 'fuck you' was that it affected my right hand. I use a cane to support my right side and leg.... I was fucked for a couple days there.

Alright so three days into LDN, the hand fucks up so I stopped it. After the hand got it's shit together, I had family visit me, and that pushed off starting it again on hold.
After family left I took it one night, woke up at 3am and stayed up all night. Have not taken it again since. Some people take it in the morning, and I may try that later in the week.

Right side of body has gone numb. This is only the second time that I have dealt with a half body numbness. I have had numbness in my fingers come and go but the half body numb shit has not showed itself since my first major exacerbation. It makes everything a bit uncomfortable, mainly walking. I feel like my right leg is a peg leg. I have little feeling around my knee so each step I feel like my leg is balancing on that knee and can fall out from under me at any moment.
I have that weird numb pain. How you can be in pain where its numb is beyond me and I cannot explain.

I still have not moved. Every place I look at has some sort of deal breaker. And others that don't appear to have deal breakers go fast and always before I can get to see the place.
Because I am looking to move to another city and state that is almost three hours from me, it is difficult for me to see a place on a weekday.
I had a perfect place I was going to see tomorrow but got a call this evening that someone put a deposit on the place. Since winter is upon us, my moving window has pretty much closed and I will have to stay where I am at until spring.
I really wanted to get the fuck out of here. I need a change badly. I wanted a new environment, new house, new community, new everything.
It's hard finding a place far enough out of the city that has internet and doesn't have some neighbor up in your shit. I don't want to see you, hear you or smell you.

I will eventually stop posting here, and the blog will become dormant and stale as other MS blogs have. It'll be in the mix of MS blogs that you stumble across every once in a while and the last post is two years old. You wonder how the person is doing and if MS is preventing them from updating.

Thanks for reading, now and then.


  1. My dear friend!
    I am so sorry for all this!! I hope LDN will work better for you!! Hope hope hope!! Because there must be something that can make you feel better! I am sure there must be! I understand you need a change! You really do, and I wish you will find a good solution soon! And even though it doesn`t happen when you hoped it would, it will happen eventualy!

    I am sorry if you don`t want to write anymore, but if the blog makes you feel worse then I understand it too.....But can I still write you, at some other adress. Please! You are not a blog to me, you are not MS, you are a real person who opend your life to everyone who is reading. Nothing I say can take away any of your problems or your sorrow, I know that. But you matter to me, more than a lot! I have been thinking a lot about you, and I kind of agree with you conserning the internett. It doesn`t cahnge anything. I wish I could talk to you in real life, give you a big hug and tell you how much I wish for a miracle cure for you! But then again....that wouldn`t change anything either. So bottom line is probable this.....you matter a lot to me. I can´t do anything for you, but I wish to be your friend, even thoug it means in this resticted way of comunications. Maybe I shouldn`t get all that emotional, but I still do, and I carry you in my heart!
    Now....is that a good enough application for; send me your e-mail adress so that I can still write you in case you stop writing here!!
    And you know I am not reading now and then.....I have read every word you have written here! That`s how I know you.
    I am sorry for all the spelling mistakes.
    Take care!

    1. You can reach me at my existing address posted on this site.
      I don't plan on going anywhere. The one year passing made me think about where this blog has been and where it is going, and as of today, I don't feel some burning desire to write much.
      Maybe its more of a product of nothing changing in my life. Nothing that I feel is worth its own post.
      I want to avoid 100 word post of just complaining.
      Thank you for being a friend.

  2. I don`t blame you for not feeling that burning desire to write. But it is good to know you are still there!:) And I know you are trying to make changes. I am sure they will come in some way. Please excuse me my optimism. I am sure it is well founded!
    I will send you healing energy. Right away (No, you know I am not a crazy alternative freak, I`ve just been sick too, and tried everyting. I know I have mentioned it before. And healing-energy is not a miracle, but there may be someting to it:)

  3. I really wish I could change your life, take away your illness. And I wish I could change the way you feel about yourself. I chose you as my friend because you are special to me. I don`t want to tell you how much it hurts to think about your life and your pain. But I feel good when I think about our friendship. It makes me feel less alone!

  4. Would you feel different about it if you start looking for good things, and writing about them. I am sceptic to the "think-positive" movement, but still I believe it is importent to acknowledge the positive things as well as the bad. That is what I have experienced both in my own life and in my work with children.

    And of course telling lies makes things even worse! If you start telling yourself lies like MS changed my life in a good way, it wouldn`t help. But then again, you would never do that! But there are some good things in your life, or at lest things that work fine and are all right. Try to find them!

    Maybe it`s hard for you to do that now, both because you don`t want to and you don`t see them. So I`ll help you get started.

    You have a safe job which you can manage very well, you can take it with you when you move.
    You will be moving soon, it will give you a new start, an opportunity to get away from that place which is not good for you.

    Do you still go out to your fireplace? Do you still enjoy listening to music?

    You are a good person. You have been very unlucky. Still you do your best to make the situation better. YOu have tried a lot, and that is the only way to make it better. And now you eat healthy food which is good for you!

    I remember very well last Christmas when you went into a shop or something, and you wanted to donate some mony to I think it was children who are ill. You had a terrible time yourself, but still you did that. It was maybe only a few seconds of your life, but I remember it. And I will do the same thing now that Christmas is just around the corner.

    You are honest, you are a good writer and I believe in everything you say....except one thing. You are not in yoour 20`s:) You seem much older too me.

    You are a good friend. You tore apart all my prejudices about bloggers, about Americans;)

    Those were just a few things!
    Take care!
    Peace & Love

  5. I really, really believe life can be better for you! How is your new medicine working?