Monday, February 27, 2012


Feeling better. I had a fever over the weekend and that is what caused the body to freak the fuck out.
I did not know about the fever until my gf got home after 9pm from work. She felt my head, said I was burning up, took temperature, it was over 100F (don't recall exact number right now, 101.something).
I felt cold all day, and had full body pain, including my head, and I mean every muscle in my body.
Got out of bed twice all day, both times to deal with bowel problems. The second time to also deal with some work since I was on call and did not handle any calls, and I somehow got a post on this blog (odd that I got the post up fine, but my work emails are full of mistakes).
Tried to eat some soup but couldn't, each bite felt like it was going to trigger vomit.
Took flu medications, and a cocktail of muscle relaxers. I got no immediate relief.

Things started getting better on Sunday, fever went away, pain went away for the most part but was replaced with weakness. I can still barely walk, the legs are just weak, and not really in pain.
On Sunday afternoon, I ate something for the first time since Friday afternoon.

When the gf said I had a fever, it made sense why I was feeling the way I was. I know enough about MS to know a fever can be bad news. The body temperature rises and can cause issues with your nerves. Researching the issue, some info points to a pseudo-exacerbation, which I was told I have had before, but it was not fever/illness related.
This was the first fever that I know of since I have had MS. I will try to recognize it quicker in the future.

Part of me knows I should get more rest, but I am tired of being in bed. Spent about 36hrs in bed from Friday pm to Sunday am (not sure if my math is off but sounds right) with only leaving the bed for short periods of time. Didn't turn on tv until Sunday afternoon, didn't even feel well enough to watch it as odd as that sounds..
I slept a lot of the time in bed, but kept waking up and staying awake for a bit in the middle of the night. I can't be surprised by that though.

I have to work this week, taking time off is not an option. Hope to get some cannabis today, that should help ease some minor pains and sleeping through the night.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Friday I wasn't feeling well, nothing specific, but could tell something wasn't right.
Today woke up with problems walking, moving legs, moving anything.
I have an extreme amount of pain in my muscles. I am guessing its spasticity.
Zanaflex has done nothing to help.
Out of cannabis. I was supposed to pick some up today but I couldn't move.
I have to either use cane or hold onto the wall to walk.
This shit sucks. I will probably take a break from blogging until I am better. This post alone was a hassle.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Update 2/22

Been busy with family in town. Been a nice week of cooking out, fires, smoking, and laughs..
One family member had never seen snow, and we got some Sunday night, so that was nice.
Last night I was having a smoke before calling it a night, some deer came walking through the yard (you get used to what animal makes certain sounds here at night).
I got my dad out there and we watched (with a light) 8-10 deer (lost count) hanging out in the back yard. He was amazed. I had only seen 4 deer together at one time, and he had only seen a couple together at one time, so it was cool to see a "herd" of deer. It was an even cooler moment to spend with my dad.

I have been doing too much this week, I am slowing it down today, or at least my body is slowing me down. Everything is weak and at times not wanting to move. My foot is dragging more in the last couple weeks, and it is one thing I cannot hide.

Short post, hands are not wanting to type much...

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Monday, February 13, 2012

Paresthesia Wave

Dealing with another wave of Paresthesia. I had it a lot months ago, and it seemed to slowly go away, and now its fully back. Always feeling like there are bugs on me. Makes sleeping uncomfortable. It had gotten to the point before where I had accepted it, and learned what the feeling was. At first it had me jumping out of bed thinking there was a bug(s) in it.
I have had a few jumps already, but just trying to keep the mind calm and aware. Along with the crawling skin feeling, I am also getting the pins and needles feeling, more in the legs than anywhere else. With the needle phobia I seem to now have, there is a slight uneasy feeling. While I am not seeing a needle, the feeling is there, I feel a needle being inserted in various places. This shit sucks.

I will take note if there is less paresthesia after smoking. Can't say that I have noticed or not. I know I am not high in my sleep or at this moment, two recent times since I am paying attention to the feeling.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Update 2/9

Interesting week so far, started off pretty shitty and has been a little relentless. But it has some decent moments.
Weekend was shit. Waste of time. Worked the whole weekend. I was on call and the phone calls wouldn't stop. People in that town are getting dumber I suppose. Most of the calls are not what most people would consider an emergency.
Three days this week a different dick each day has called between 5-6am. Really, really fucking annoying.

Recently went to a MS meeting. At the meeting a top neurologist in the town was there for Q&A. I asked about how common residual effects from an exacerbation are, and if there was a resource for patients to look up possible conflicts between medications. Even though both of my doctors are updated on what I have taken in the past, they both seem to just pile on shit without using any caution.
I mentioned in the meeting that I had dropped all medications except Gilenya and cannabis when it is available.
The lady that runs the meeting said that they couldn't talk about who to get what from who, but if anyone wanted to help me they could see me after the meeting, and they did. After the meeting 4 people approached me, one simply stated that he smokes (and said he wants to catch a ball game when the season starts), three said they would either supply me or set me up with their dude. One person gave me some which was very nice of them. So I walked out of the meeting for three connections, when in the six or so meetings I have attended I have left there with zero new information and feeling worse about the MS.
I was given enough shit to last me a few days, so I am very grateful.

The Walk MS event is going to be happening in my town in the upcoming months. I had been letting family know about it. I didn't necessarily invite anyone here, but when they mentioned about potentially coming here I told them they were welcome anytime. Well it fucking blew up in my face a couple days ago. I already knew of a couple immediate family members planning on coming. Within 2 days I have been told of atleast 8 people that are planning to come. 8 fucking people is a bit much, and it was mentioned I should expect more.
Now I love my family and would do anything for them, but Sweet Baby Jesus Christ that's too many in one visit. I have a three bedroom house, one room is my office, the other a guest room. where the fuck with they all fit?
We will manage.

The one group that kind of throws off the vibe and balance of the weekend will be my grandparents. I never thought I would ever see them make a trip up here. They are up there in age and do not travel well. Most the remaining family smokes dope and while I have already told my Grandmother I smoke pot due to the MS and she is accepting of that, it is as bad as kicking a baby for the rest of them to do it. That goes for cigarette smoking as well, which most of them do. But that is one thing I have told them to suck it up and deal with it. When my Grandmother saw me smoke for the first time, she took a swing at me, and threw a fit. After that she never gave me shit, and never bitched at me again. So the family that does smoke needs to just take the swing, and get it over with.
I will promise this, I will not hide my dope smoking around her. I swear, if it is time for me to smoke and she is outside, I will march right out there with my joint or pipe and fire it up. I will then proceed to attempt the most complex, and intelligent conversation she has ever heard. I already talk over her head at times and she tries to keep up, but I will rehearse this shit. I will make sure any misconception she has, is completely blown away. Again her and I already talked about it. Last time I was down visiting them, I brought it up when she was asking about my medications. She even said if she knew where she could get it, she would right then. Little did she know I was getting ready to leave her house and pick up three ounces.

My grandfather asked my mom once last year if she "had any of those funny cigarettes", I guess he was in pain one day and was open to smoking it (again?). She said she didn't. I will ask him when we are alone if he would like a toke. I love and relish, I go so far as to say I get a rush from getting to smoke with family members that I never thought I would get to, or never thought they would ever. I have smoked with other grandparents, aunts/uncles etc... I have a cousin that I was around when she was born up till she was in early teens and she moved. One of the smartest and brightest people I have ever met. Her mom said she knows her daughter has smoked and probably would smoke when she came to visit. My mind was blown thinking about the memory of the sweetest girl in my life taking a toke of that shit. I would never pressure her, but I will offer it once since she is 18 now. I get giddy thinking about it, and I think that's where the rush is kicking in... I never would pressure anyone into it, although I did in my late teens with one of my good friends. He was drunk so I figured I could talk him into it. But he never gave in...

My life seems to be all or nothing especially when it comes to friends, family, or pot.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Short Update 2/4

No major fighting today, some arguing but no big blow out like yesterday.
I did get on to her for dealing with the problem by drinking and she said "What problem?"..."THAT is the fucking problem"
She in denial that we have any issues, and she drinks herself shitty, just for the kicks?
I can tell that she knows the inevitable is coming. It's already in motion I think. I dunno. I will feel like such a fucking ass if months pass and I see this post and nothing has changed...

There will be a blizzard tomorrow just because I said something, but spring is upon us here. The flowers are starting to sprout with a few blooming. Bushes are starting to bud.
Yellows, blues, and reds, with more to come. Almost like seeing color for the first time.
This time last year I had double vision, and was very unhappy. I have struggled past a year, no double vision, also no happiness.
I need to change with the season.

Short post for once.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Friday, February 3, 2012

The Fight - Round 1

Ding Ding. We fucking went at it yesterday. I don't recall exactly what kicked it off, but before we knew it we were in a shouting match, both of us spewing nasty verbal regurgitated shit. "asshole jerk off piece of shit" "bitch cunt whore" around and around we went.

Very loose transcript of argument parts. I cannot remember every word said, but some points I do.
me: "I don't love you, and I barely fucking like you"
her: "Why is it so important to be in love?"
me: "Really? You don't think two people that have been together for over ten years should love each other?"
her: "No, a lot of people fall out of love"
me: "yeah, they fucking separate or get divorced"
her: nothing
me: "I gave this bullshit time, I tried to get over you being a fucking whore, but everything has been compounded this year, and your inability to be faithful, your lying, and your drinking has all been magnified"
her: "Get over it. It was just sex, and meant nothing"
me: "Yes it was just sex to you, but it is more to me. Its entire thing wrapped up together. To you it was a few blowjobs and some fucking. To me, it was lies, deceit, manipulation. You cared enough about that sex then to hide it."
her: repeats herself that I should be able to get over it
me: "You don't think its a little fucked up not kissing each other for a year?"
her: "No."
me: "You don't think its a little fucked up we have not been intimate with each other in a year? We only fuck occasionally to serve its purpose. Not to connect."
her: "That is all its ever been, just fucking. We have never had any intimate moments."
me: "Not once in ten years?"
her: "No."
me: "Sooo, you ARE basically a whore. You give up your body for sex, with no affection or intimacy, and in return you get a place to live, food to eat and shit"
her: "Whatever."
me: "Yeah, whatever, that's a really fucking deep thought. So we are really room mates then? Room mates that fuck sometimes, but don't like each other..."
her: "Pretty much"
me: "Then you are fucking evicted bitch! Get your fucking shit and leave!"
both: more back and forth name calling.

At this point my work is calling, and I am late for a scheduled appointment. I just had to go to my office.
She runs off to the store and returns with a bottle of wine. I stayed in my office busy working for the next few hours.
I come out and she is fucked up drunk (she drank the whole bottle) and I didn't even want to get into again with her. I know better than to start a fight with her drunk.
As I stood there looking at her drunk face attached to a head that couldn't stay still, trying to figure out to myself what my next step is, one of my cousins called that I am close to, but don't get to talk to often. We talked for 2 hours catching up on stuff. (she is going to come visit me for the upcoming Walk MS).
Left my office to find the bitch passed out drunk. She was mumbling some bullshit about a facebook game or something.
She went to bed before I did, and when I came to bed, she tried to put a arm around me, which I promptly moved and said "fucking drunk bitch you don't even know who your in bed with". She didn't say anything.

Today she has sent me some emails while shes working trying to act like everything is normal. Asking about super bowl and stupid shit. Trying to act like the argument never happened. It really makes me feel like a joke to her. She seems unable to take me serious.
She has no idea that I might actually grow a pair this afternoon.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Update 2/2

Went to psychologist today yesterday, she gave me quite a bit to think about. I make a living as problem solver. I have been dealing with other peoples issues and problems for over a decade as a career. I seemingly have an answer for everything.
But for whatever reason, my doctor is able to ask questions that leave me with no answers. My brain locks up on the types of questions and scenarios she puts me through. She is good at perspectives that I miss.

Past 3am and still working. I need to learn what my limits are. I don't normally work this late but today, too many things have gone wrong that require my attention.
Didn't start off right with some asshole calling the emergency line which goes to my cell, at 6:30am this morning. Mr. Dickhead just wanted to see if he could get some assistance with something at 9am, and ask too many questions. If you can think of an insult, it was used or thought of once that call ended.

I wanted to go to the shelter today but the pain in my legs has been bad, mainly in the right leg. Since it was raining this evening I figured I could atleast stop in and give some dogs some company for a little bit, but by the time shrink visit was over I had to get home and get laid out.
I am out of cannabis so I am dealing with all of this with no medications.
Due to finances (thank you IRS), it'll be a few more weeks until I get anymore. But I have lined up some from out of state to get here at the end of the month and it will cost me a quarter of the price for the same amount.
But no hash for a few months while a fresh crop is growing. I would rather have some good hash. A little goes a long way.
Until that arrives I will just tough it out. I will not go back on the shitty medications the doctors had me on.
I am no longer going to be their guinea pig.

Tomorrow Today is going to be rough.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"