Interesting week so far, started off pretty shitty and has been a little relentless. But it has some decent moments.
Weekend was shit. Waste of time. Worked the whole weekend. I was on call and the phone calls wouldn't stop. People in that town are getting dumber I suppose. Most of the calls are not what most people would consider an emergency.
Three days this week a different dick each day has called between 5-6am. Really, really fucking annoying.
Recently went to a MS meeting. At the meeting a top neurologist in the town was there for Q&A. I asked about how common residual effects from an exacerbation are, and if there was a resource for patients to look up possible conflicts between medications. Even though both of my doctors are updated on what I have taken in the past, they both seem to just pile on shit without using any caution.
I mentioned in the meeting that I had dropped all medications except Gilenya and cannabis when it is available.
The lady that runs the meeting said that they couldn't talk about who to get what from who, but if anyone wanted to help me they could see me after the meeting, and they did. After the meeting 4 people approached me, one simply stated that he smokes (and said he wants to catch a ball game when the season starts), three said they would either supply me or set me up with their dude. One person gave me some which was very nice of them. So I walked out of the meeting for three connections, when in the six or so meetings I have attended I have left there with zero new information and feeling worse about the MS.
I was given enough shit to last me a few days, so I am very grateful.
The Walk MS event is going to be happening in my town in the upcoming months. I had been letting family know about it. I didn't necessarily invite anyone here, but when they mentioned about potentially coming here I told them they were welcome anytime. Well it fucking blew up in my face a couple days ago. I already knew of a couple immediate family members planning on coming. Within 2 days I have been told of atleast 8 people that are planning to come. 8 fucking people is a bit much, and it was mentioned I should expect more.
Now I love my family and would do anything for them, but Sweet Baby Jesus Christ that's too many in one visit. I have a three bedroom house, one room is my office, the other a guest room. where the fuck with they all fit?
We will manage.
The one group that kind of throws off the vibe and balance of the weekend will be my grandparents. I never thought I would ever see them make a trip up here. They are up there in age and do not travel well. Most the remaining family smokes dope and while I have already told my Grandmother I smoke pot due to the MS and she is accepting of that, it is as bad as kicking a baby for the rest of them to do it. That goes for cigarette smoking as well, which most of them do. But that is one thing I have told them to suck it up and deal with it. When my Grandmother saw me smoke for the first time, she took a swing at me, and threw a fit. After that she never gave me shit, and never bitched at me again. So the family that does smoke needs to just take the swing, and get it over with.
I will promise this, I will not hide my dope smoking around her. I swear, if it is time for me to smoke and she is outside, I will march right out there with my joint or pipe and fire it up. I will then proceed to attempt the most complex, and intelligent conversation she has ever heard. I already talk over her head at times and she tries to keep up, but I will rehearse this shit. I will make sure any misconception she has, is completely blown away. Again her and I already talked about it. Last time I was down visiting them, I brought it up when she was asking about my medications. She even said if she knew where she could get it, she would right then. Little did she know I was getting ready to leave her house and pick up three ounces.
My grandfather asked my mom once last year if she "had any of those funny cigarettes", I guess he was in pain one day and was open to smoking it (again?). She said she didn't. I will ask him when we are alone if he would like a toke. I love and relish, I go so far as to say I get a rush from getting to smoke with family members that I never thought I would get to, or never thought they would ever. I have smoked with other grandparents, aunts/uncles etc... I have a cousin that I was around when she was born up till she was in early teens and she moved. One of the smartest and brightest people I have ever met. Her mom said she knows her daughter has smoked and probably would smoke when she came to visit. My mind was blown thinking about the memory of the sweetest girl in my life taking a toke of that shit. I would never pressure her, but I will offer it once since she is 18 now. I get giddy thinking about it, and I think that's where the rush is kicking in... I never would pressure anyone into it, although I did in my late teens with one of my good friends. He was drunk so I figured I could talk him into it. But he never gave in...
My life seems to be all or nothing especially when it comes to friends, family, or pot.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Showing posts with label cannabis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cannabis. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Drunk Post
Well I am fucked up right now. I may regret even getting on here in the morning. This equals a drunk phone call to a friend late at night...
I am not a drinker, the last drink I had was on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th), and I only had one. Before that, I can honestly not remember.
My girlfriend called on her way home and asked if I needed anything and I told her a pint of whiskey. She brought that home along with some fried chicken. Haven't had fried chicken dinner in a long time.
Anyways, after dinner I slammed that pint. I mean it was gone within and hour or so, got good and fucked up.
I did it for three reasons, 1. Just like standing in the rain, I wanted to feel something different for a moment. 2. I wanted to remind myself how much I do not like drinking and to get this one out of the way. Sort of a reminder that turning to booze would never be an answer for me. 3. Taxes
I got double vision drunk, and was instantly reminded and really placed back into early 2011 when I had optic neuritis. I did not like that feeling.
I was doing fine until I smoked some pot, that will take you somewhere else. I actually think pot gets a bad rap because people smoke it after drinking, and get really fucked up and do something really fucking stupid.
You should not mix the two. Get drunk, or get stoned, not both.
Didn't take long after smoking the chicken and liquor was churning and needed to go.
I guess at the time of writing this I am still feeling right but I have since puked up most of my chicken and liquor, so I feel like I have it together. I think I am keeping up with my punctuation and grammar here. I am however smoking more. I laid in bed for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted to smoke a cigarette, and put a post up. See how I could articulate things in this state of mind.
Random thoughts:
I have been trying to set some goals lately. Plan a next step so I have some kind of direction.
I've been looking into cabins for rent in various decriminalized states. I want to downsize. I am in a three bedroom that's too big. This house got bigger when my dog died. The acreage and house feel like a waste right now. I put away a hand towel that says "a home without a dog is just a house". It was one of the last in drawer. We both avoided using it, so I just put it in her box.
I have a fantasy in mind of living in a Yurt. It would certainly be a downsize, but a way to return to the simpler person I used to be. I didn't need things. Didn't get a tv and cable until the last 7 years, and that was the girlfriend begging for it. I rarely watch tv as it is. Watch a few dark/dry humor shows and the occasional movie.
Watched Rum Diary and The Big Year. Rum Diary was not as good as I hoped but I parts of it enough to not stop.
The Big Year was a surprise. I only watched it because of Steve Martin and John Cleese (in my opinion, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson are the same character in every single one of their own movies, AND they are not the only actors like that). It opened with "This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed" It was about people who are "Birders". They seek all species of birds. Three varying characters have their adventure to have "The Big Year", meaning finding a record breaking amount of different birds. It was presented like a nature film on man and his quest for these birds. (Cleese narrates)
Birding, to each their own.
Feeling pretty good right now. Good night/day.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
I am not a drinker, the last drink I had was on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th), and I only had one. Before that, I can honestly not remember.
My girlfriend called on her way home and asked if I needed anything and I told her a pint of whiskey. She brought that home along with some fried chicken. Haven't had fried chicken dinner in a long time.
Anyways, after dinner I slammed that pint. I mean it was gone within and hour or so, got good and fucked up.
I did it for three reasons, 1. Just like standing in the rain, I wanted to feel something different for a moment. 2. I wanted to remind myself how much I do not like drinking and to get this one out of the way. Sort of a reminder that turning to booze would never be an answer for me. 3. Taxes
I got double vision drunk, and was instantly reminded and really placed back into early 2011 when I had optic neuritis. I did not like that feeling.
I was doing fine until I smoked some pot, that will take you somewhere else. I actually think pot gets a bad rap because people smoke it after drinking, and get really fucked up and do something really fucking stupid.
You should not mix the two. Get drunk, or get stoned, not both.
Didn't take long after smoking the chicken and liquor was churning and needed to go.
I guess at the time of writing this I am still feeling right but I have since puked up most of my chicken and liquor, so I feel like I have it together. I think I am keeping up with my punctuation and grammar here. I am however smoking more. I laid in bed for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted to smoke a cigarette, and put a post up. See how I could articulate things in this state of mind.
Random thoughts:
I have been trying to set some goals lately. Plan a next step so I have some kind of direction.
I've been looking into cabins for rent in various decriminalized states. I want to downsize. I am in a three bedroom that's too big. This house got bigger when my dog died. The acreage and house feel like a waste right now. I put away a hand towel that says "a home without a dog is just a house". It was one of the last in drawer. We both avoided using it, so I just put it in her box.
I have a fantasy in mind of living in a Yurt. It would certainly be a downsize, but a way to return to the simpler person I used to be. I didn't need things. Didn't get a tv and cable until the last 7 years, and that was the girlfriend begging for it. I rarely watch tv as it is. Watch a few dark/dry humor shows and the occasional movie.
Watched Rum Diary and The Big Year. Rum Diary was not as good as I hoped but I parts of it enough to not stop.
The Big Year was a surprise. I only watched it because of Steve Martin and John Cleese (in my opinion, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson are the same character in every single one of their own movies, AND they are not the only actors like that). It opened with "This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed" It was about people who are "Birders". They seek all species of birds. Three varying characters have their adventure to have "The Big Year", meaning finding a record breaking amount of different birds. It was presented like a nature film on man and his quest for these birds. (Cleese narrates)
Birding, to each their own.
Feeling pretty good right now. Good night/day.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Recent Exacerbation and Wellbutrin
My Neurologist recommended an antidepressant about a month ago. He started me with Celexa but it quickly caused constipation. Then I was switched to Wellbutrin XL 150mg taken once a day first thing in the morning. At the time I started Wellbutrin, I was going through alot of personal stuff, hence the antidepressants. I found myself having a hard time going to sleep, and when I would, quickly waking up and the mind would run for hours. Eventually it all would meld into long sleepless nights. Watching every hour pass.
This whole time I am thinking that I am having some kind of mental break down, the way 2011 happened, that I had reached my mental meltdown point and was self destructing.
I took 15 Wellbutrins. One a day. 20 nights were fucked.
While talking to my sister, she stated that she had an immediate bad reaction to Wellbutrin which included insomnia. The light bulb went on, really took a while to find the switch. I never took Wellbutrin again. It took about 5 nights for the sleeping to get better.
I had an exacerbation that I think was rooted from the lost sleep and body shutting down.
Pain from spasms in my back and legs left them barely functional. Heavy spasms in the face and extremities.
Saw my chiropractor for the back before calling neuro. He could feel the spasms in my back where I couldn't due to the pain. Tried cold laser therapy which did nothing. He offered accupuncture and I agreed but in less than a minute I was covered in sweat and lost my color.
Extremely poor bowel and bladder function/control. Most painful experience to date with MS.
About 2-3 days into steroids things started settling down.
On the third day of the exacerbation I was able to obtain some hash, and I feel like I was making a faster recovery at that time. How much? We will never know.
I got a general practice doctor last week. I had not seen a general practitioner in nearly 14 years.
He is a nice guy, a young doctor. Seems intelligent. He said he didn't know what Gilenya was before coming in to see me so he looked it up before hand. He sought out knowledge about his patient.
We discussed the anxiety issues. As I have mentioned, I believe I have developed a needle phobia likely from Rebif.
He has put me on Ativan 0.5mg twice a day. I really feel no different on this stuff. And this is supposed to have an immediate affect. Smoking some pot has the immediate affect. My muscle relaxer, pain killer, antidepressant, all from a little plant.
I am going to give Ativan until the end of the prescription to show me something, otherwise I will drop it.
I really would like to cut back on the medications taken daily. Ideally just Gilenya and a few vitamins.
That's where I would like to be.
This whole time I am thinking that I am having some kind of mental break down, the way 2011 happened, that I had reached my mental meltdown point and was self destructing.
I took 15 Wellbutrins. One a day. 20 nights were fucked.
While talking to my sister, she stated that she had an immediate bad reaction to Wellbutrin which included insomnia. The light bulb went on, really took a while to find the switch. I never took Wellbutrin again. It took about 5 nights for the sleeping to get better.
I had an exacerbation that I think was rooted from the lost sleep and body shutting down.
Pain from spasms in my back and legs left them barely functional. Heavy spasms in the face and extremities.
Saw my chiropractor for the back before calling neuro. He could feel the spasms in my back where I couldn't due to the pain. Tried cold laser therapy which did nothing. He offered accupuncture and I agreed but in less than a minute I was covered in sweat and lost my color.
Extremely poor bowel and bladder function/control. Most painful experience to date with MS.
About 2-3 days into steroids things started settling down.
On the third day of the exacerbation I was able to obtain some hash, and I feel like I was making a faster recovery at that time. How much? We will never know.
I got a general practice doctor last week. I had not seen a general practitioner in nearly 14 years.
He is a nice guy, a young doctor. Seems intelligent. He said he didn't know what Gilenya was before coming in to see me so he looked it up before hand. He sought out knowledge about his patient.
We discussed the anxiety issues. As I have mentioned, I believe I have developed a needle phobia likely from Rebif.
He has put me on Ativan 0.5mg twice a day. I really feel no different on this stuff. And this is supposed to have an immediate affect. Smoking some pot has the immediate affect. My muscle relaxer, pain killer, antidepressant, all from a little plant.
I am going to give Ativan until the end of the prescription to show me something, otherwise I will drop it.
I really would like to cut back on the medications taken daily. Ideally just Gilenya and a few vitamins.
That's where I would like to be.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Here we go...
Well it didn't take long for the bullshit to start in 2012. Water pipes froze and we were left with no water for almost two days. Finally got them thawed out and water flowing again. Just another thing to fuck with me.
I have spent a lot of my life camping in my free time so doing without certain "luxuries" is not a problem, but when you are in your own home, you expect running water.
With my bladder issues, when I have to go, I have to go and it was a bit awkward to keep running outside to take a piss. In the winter you can see the neighbors, the trees are thinned out. In the summer you can walk around in the nude if you please since there is so much wooded area, you forget anyone lives nearby.
I got a little upset today, mostly at myself because a old friend from where I used to live was in my area with his family for a week. They were minutes from me skiing and all that. We exchanged some emails during the week he was here, planning to catch up but it never happened. I called him today and he explained that they headed back a couple days earlier than expected and that he was sorry we didn't get to meet up. The kind of upsetting thing is, he got married while he was here. I have known him for about 15 years. We would hang out or have lunch together at least once a week, we went camping together countless times. He is one of the only friends I have from there that knows about the MS.
The idea that not only did he not have a few minutes for us to hang out, but didn't think to invite me to his wedding made me think of what kind of person I have been, and how people perceive me as their friend.
I know I should consider that a wedding for most can be a very intimate thing where only immediate family (if any) are invited.
I think it was the combination of not getting to visit and the wedding that upset me a little. I think you must sprinkle in a little bit of everything else too. I have no friends here anymore. The one I had here recently moved. So its a complete total of everything that has nothing to do with him that bothered me.
Anyways, I am happy for him. He was divorced a couple years back from a wife that was running around on him while they had two kids. He found a nice lady that also was divorced and had two of her own, so he has a nice house full now.
Also, one of my co-workers that I have known for 15+ years and would spend time with outside work was also in my area this week but we didn't get to meet up. He did call me to let me know he was up here, but we didn't discuss or make any plans to meet.
I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but it all made me wonder why I don't currently have friends, and the ones I had don't make any effort to reach out and spend any time with me.
Next time I return to my old town I will make an effort to contact people and visit them.
I have made two trips to that town since I moved but both were quick weekend trips to visit my ailing grandfather. Both trips combined for 5 days total there and it was all spent with family.
I am going to try and change the friend thing. I need to talk to someone other than a doctor (who I pay), a girlfriend/roommate, or this blog. With winter here it is going to make it a little harder. I am looking forward to summer since baseball is in season and I could always try to meet some people at a game or at a bar watching a game.
Just wanted to note, while I haven't had any pot in a long time other than a joint I got, I did get some hash which is basically a concentrate of marijuana, and that has made me feel pretty good. Takes care of pain, spasms, and helps get me to sleep. Going to be out of it soon. I keep getting told today its going to happen. All of this bullshit trying to acquire the stuff makes me want to move to a decriminalized state asap.
I have spent a lot of my life camping in my free time so doing without certain "luxuries" is not a problem, but when you are in your own home, you expect running water.
With my bladder issues, when I have to go, I have to go and it was a bit awkward to keep running outside to take a piss. In the winter you can see the neighbors, the trees are thinned out. In the summer you can walk around in the nude if you please since there is so much wooded area, you forget anyone lives nearby.
I got a little upset today, mostly at myself because a old friend from where I used to live was in my area with his family for a week. They were minutes from me skiing and all that. We exchanged some emails during the week he was here, planning to catch up but it never happened. I called him today and he explained that they headed back a couple days earlier than expected and that he was sorry we didn't get to meet up. The kind of upsetting thing is, he got married while he was here. I have known him for about 15 years. We would hang out or have lunch together at least once a week, we went camping together countless times. He is one of the only friends I have from there that knows about the MS.
The idea that not only did he not have a few minutes for us to hang out, but didn't think to invite me to his wedding made me think of what kind of person I have been, and how people perceive me as their friend.
I know I should consider that a wedding for most can be a very intimate thing where only immediate family (if any) are invited.
I think it was the combination of not getting to visit and the wedding that upset me a little. I think you must sprinkle in a little bit of everything else too. I have no friends here anymore. The one I had here recently moved. So its a complete total of everything that has nothing to do with him that bothered me.
Anyways, I am happy for him. He was divorced a couple years back from a wife that was running around on him while they had two kids. He found a nice lady that also was divorced and had two of her own, so he has a nice house full now.
Also, one of my co-workers that I have known for 15+ years and would spend time with outside work was also in my area this week but we didn't get to meet up. He did call me to let me know he was up here, but we didn't discuss or make any plans to meet.
I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but it all made me wonder why I don't currently have friends, and the ones I had don't make any effort to reach out and spend any time with me.
Next time I return to my old town I will make an effort to contact people and visit them.
I have made two trips to that town since I moved but both were quick weekend trips to visit my ailing grandfather. Both trips combined for 5 days total there and it was all spent with family.
I am going to try and change the friend thing. I need to talk to someone other than a doctor (who I pay), a girlfriend/roommate, or this blog. With winter here it is going to make it a little harder. I am looking forward to summer since baseball is in season and I could always try to meet some people at a game or at a bar watching a game.
Just wanted to note, while I haven't had any pot in a long time other than a joint I got, I did get some hash which is basically a concentrate of marijuana, and that has made me feel pretty good. Takes care of pain, spasms, and helps get me to sleep. Going to be out of it soon. I keep getting told today its going to happen. All of this bullshit trying to acquire the stuff makes me want to move to a decriminalized state asap.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Update 12/29
Finally getting some sleep. Not a full night but getting through most of it. I am positive that Wellbutrin was fucking me up and causing the insomnia. I am gradually getting better. Back is not as bad, still some residual soreness. Seems like I am feeling spasms in my back more now. Nearly all leg pain from this exacerbation is gone.
I got my hands on one single joint a few days ago, busted it up into thirds and made it last three days. I would smoke a little before going to bed. Helped get me to sleep faster.
My dad is visiting, which has been nice. Enjoy hanging out with him. Having some good laughs and just taking it easy.
That's all I have for now. I plan on a shitty year in review type recap to cover the bullshit that was 2011.
I got my hands on one single joint a few days ago, busted it up into thirds and made it last three days. I would smoke a little before going to bed. Helped get me to sleep faster.
My dad is visiting, which has been nice. Enjoy hanging out with him. Having some good laughs and just taking it easy.
That's all I have for now. I plan on a shitty year in review type recap to cover the bullshit that was 2011.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Update 12/23
Another night, and no sleep. No sleep at all. I watched every hour change from 9pm to 6am this morning and I finally had to just get up, couldn't lay in bed any longer.
The back pain still persists, and it spread to my legs, making even more difficult to walk. I can't describe the feeling having to take 8 pills (4 Prednisone). Its depressing.
I called the neurologist yesterday morning around 9am because I got less than an hour of sleep that night. I left a message requesting something to immediately ease my pain. I have never taken pain pills but I was in dire need.
I went all day waiting for a call back. I called them at 4:30pm and the fucking emergency answering service picks up, the office had already switched the phones over. I did not leave a message with them.
At this point I am upset, cussing up a storm. "I can't fucking believe they would treat a patient like this" and on and on. Since they are closed on Friday and Monday I am thinking I am stuck with this pain. I am already planning on going to the liquor store and getting a bottle of whiskey to drink myself asleep, which I know would be dangerous with the medications I am on, but I am desperate (and I don't drink).
My doctor calls at 5:30pm, finally!! We discuss the issue, and I told him flat out that I needed something for the pain and that I haven't been sleeping, the whole thing. He prescribes me Vicodin (Hydrocodon-Acetaminophin). This is not really what I had in mind but its something. I don't know much about pain pills but I know these are a milder pill.
I told him I am heading to the pharmacy right now. I get to the pharmacy and they haven't received the script yet. (I live 10 minutes away) 15 minutes pass and it finally arrives. The prescription has a digital signature on it and they won't accept it. WHAT THE FUCK?! So I have to call the doctor office, leave a message with the emergency call back service, for him to call me back. They wont take the pharmacy number so he can call directly. He calls me back in about 10 minutes. Told him they wouldn't take the digital and that he would need to call it in. Right after we hang up, I hear an automated "Call for pharmacy". Within a few minutes I hear this multiple times. I waited about 20 minutes before I gimp over to counter to ask if my doctor called, they say no, but one guy speaks up and says "oh but there is a voicemail". It was my doctor, and he did call 20 minutes earlier. You dumb motherfuckers... The tech rambles on shit about the milligrams and everything, I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I have never taken them before. He had a surprised look on his face and said "oh really?" Yeah dickhead, you have my script record right in front of you.
Maybe I was just cranky from the pain or lost of sleep, but I felt like I was treated like your run of the mill young dope head that talked his doctor into pain pills.
So a simple trip to pharmacy took an hour. With no sleep and barely able to walk, I was not happy.
The Vicodin doesn't seem to do much. When I finish work today I will take a couple of them, maybe three so I can hopefully get knocked out and sleep some. Tried to get some pot all week but everything fell through. Giving it one last go this afternoon, otherwise I will have to wait until Monday, when I have some pot and hash on the way, and that's a near guarantee. For some reason I feel like it is my key to getting to sleep. When I had it on a regular basis I could always smoke a little before going to bed and sleep like a baby.
I can drive 2 hours to visit a friend to get some, but I don't think I can comfortably sit in a car for 2 hours each way. The pain would not be worth it.
I really wish I had some smoke for the holidays. They are tough enough as it is with everything that's happened this year. When I smoke I can think at the pace I want to or need to, but what helps is having the ability to slow down my thinking. My brain seems like it does't have to be in overdrive. A sober me thinks way too much and about the wrong things.
I am unable to see my psychologist for the next couple weeks, I was supposed to see her yesterday, but her husband who has cancer has taken a turn for the worse and is in hospice now. At times I feel like I really need to talk to her, but I will survive. My problems with either be here or wont when she is ready to see me, unfortunately her's may not be.
Not sure if I will post much over the holiday weekend. Might throw up an update. We will see.
The back pain still persists, and it spread to my legs, making even more difficult to walk. I can't describe the feeling having to take 8 pills (4 Prednisone). Its depressing.
I called the neurologist yesterday morning around 9am because I got less than an hour of sleep that night. I left a message requesting something to immediately ease my pain. I have never taken pain pills but I was in dire need.
I went all day waiting for a call back. I called them at 4:30pm and the fucking emergency answering service picks up, the office had already switched the phones over. I did not leave a message with them.
At this point I am upset, cussing up a storm. "I can't fucking believe they would treat a patient like this" and on and on. Since they are closed on Friday and Monday I am thinking I am stuck with this pain. I am already planning on going to the liquor store and getting a bottle of whiskey to drink myself asleep, which I know would be dangerous with the medications I am on, but I am desperate (and I don't drink).
My doctor calls at 5:30pm, finally!! We discuss the issue, and I told him flat out that I needed something for the pain and that I haven't been sleeping, the whole thing. He prescribes me Vicodin (Hydrocodon-Acetaminophin). This is not really what I had in mind but its something. I don't know much about pain pills but I know these are a milder pill.
I told him I am heading to the pharmacy right now. I get to the pharmacy and they haven't received the script yet. (I live 10 minutes away) 15 minutes pass and it finally arrives. The prescription has a digital signature on it and they won't accept it. WHAT THE FUCK?! So I have to call the doctor office, leave a message with the emergency call back service, for him to call me back. They wont take the pharmacy number so he can call directly. He calls me back in about 10 minutes. Told him they wouldn't take the digital and that he would need to call it in. Right after we hang up, I hear an automated "Call for pharmacy". Within a few minutes I hear this multiple times. I waited about 20 minutes before I gimp over to counter to ask if my doctor called, they say no, but one guy speaks up and says "oh but there is a voicemail". It was my doctor, and he did call 20 minutes earlier. You dumb motherfuckers... The tech rambles on shit about the milligrams and everything, I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I have never taken them before. He had a surprised look on his face and said "oh really?" Yeah dickhead, you have my script record right in front of you.
Maybe I was just cranky from the pain or lost of sleep, but I felt like I was treated like your run of the mill young dope head that talked his doctor into pain pills.
So a simple trip to pharmacy took an hour. With no sleep and barely able to walk, I was not happy.
The Vicodin doesn't seem to do much. When I finish work today I will take a couple of them, maybe three so I can hopefully get knocked out and sleep some. Tried to get some pot all week but everything fell through. Giving it one last go this afternoon, otherwise I will have to wait until Monday, when I have some pot and hash on the way, and that's a near guarantee. For some reason I feel like it is my key to getting to sleep. When I had it on a regular basis I could always smoke a little before going to bed and sleep like a baby.
I can drive 2 hours to visit a friend to get some, but I don't think I can comfortably sit in a car for 2 hours each way. The pain would not be worth it.
I really wish I had some smoke for the holidays. They are tough enough as it is with everything that's happened this year. When I smoke I can think at the pace I want to or need to, but what helps is having the ability to slow down my thinking. My brain seems like it does't have to be in overdrive. A sober me thinks way too much and about the wrong things.
I am unable to see my psychologist for the next couple weeks, I was supposed to see her yesterday, but her husband who has cancer has taken a turn for the worse and is in hospice now. At times I feel like I really need to talk to her, but I will survive. My problems with either be here or wont when she is ready to see me, unfortunately her's may not be.
Not sure if I will post much over the holiday weekend. Might throw up an update. We will see.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tired
It always has to be something right?
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
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