Friday, December 16, 2011


It always has to be something right?
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).

Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is.  I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.

I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.

And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.

So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.

Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.


  1. Hey! Why don`t you get a fb-account?
    I`ll write more later:)

  2. I don't care for facebook. If someone wants to reach me they can call me or email me.
    Until I moved everyone had my contact info (and used it).
    I don't know, maybe I'm just a hard headed person that refuses to conform. I can't stand to feel like a sheep.

    Alot of my family is on facebook and they say know what I am up to through other family members, or my girlfriend. (although she has cut back her FB usage after being caught using it chat with her old fuck buddy)

    I have a zero web presence when it comes to my real life. My psychologist was trying to dissect that when she lost my contact info and was trying to find me online. I simply cannot be found. My real name yields no results and no history.
    I have never won any awards or accolades. I have never been arrested or anything like that, so there really is no reason for my info to be online.
    I am almost anonymous in real like kinda.

  3. Gabapentin (Neurontin) 600 mg before bedtime

  4. Sorry to hear about your sleeping problems. I hope you will find a way to sleep quite soon! And the crying...... Maybe crying is good for you just now? Even though it is annoying. I have also had that in the past. And I work as a teacher. I just had to go home before they could see it...

    One question for you? Does your psychologist read your blog? Wouldn`t that be a good idea? Save you a lot of explaining. You write well, and explain everything in a good way.

    You know, I want to be your friend and I care about you. I hope it`s okay if I am quite honest and write my opinion. I can recognize some of the things you write. I have "been there, done that" to use a silly phrase. And I appreciate it when people have their own way and don`t want to be one of a million sheep. I really do. reallly don`t need MS to make you depressed. With no friends around, working from home, you don`t have a sosial life? What if you find out you want to leave your girlfriend? You will be totaly alone?

    You have written about your old friends. Although they live far away couldn`t you contact them? If they get to know about your MS and how you haven`t been well, then I am sure they will understand why you are not in contact any more. And they will be glad to hear from you.That`s why I suggest you could make a fb-account. It`s easy to get in touch with people that way.
    And that hobby you want to start, could it will be in a place where you meet people?

    Maybe you think it`s difficult, and maybe you think you don`t need people. But I believe it will make you feel better. And you are a good person. They will like you. They do!

    One more question. Are you the kind of cool or tough guy, who never like to show your weakness? And one final question, what do you think/feel about yourself?

    I am sorry if I offend you in any way. I just want the best for you!
    Hope you are sleeping:)

  5. My psychologist does not read my blog, that I know of. I have not told her about it. I have not told a single person I know about this blog.
    I have thought about telling the psych but it kind of defeats the anonymous part. I tell her everything, she is an outlet, and this is an outlet, both are full disclosure. I talk the same as I write here. My thoughts are typed.

    This year I have not had much of a social life. I did hang out with some people this year, made some friends and lost some, I kept meeting the wrong people. Everyone I have run into this town aims to get fucked up. That seems to be what they wake up for.
    Too many people with a drinking or drug problem. We all have a problem of some sort. I just have too many myself to put up with theirs, atleast for now. The one solid friend I made here just moved away this week, but he was an alcoholic. Psychologist even told me I shouldn't hang out with him...
    I have been keeping my eye on to maybe find a group or something that would interest me. Nothing yet so far.

    If I was to separate from my girlfriend, I can honestly say being alone is not that big of a deal. I actually feel like being alone right now is what I need. I feel like I have turned into such an asshole. Despite what she has done to me this year, I don't want to put her or anyone through this.
    I am optimistic that I will eventually get my shit together and my head will straighten out.
    Right now I don't feel like a pleasant person to be around. I skipped my girlfriend's company christmas party because I knew I wasn't going to be good company and didn't feel like putting on the bullshit show for everyone. (they were bugging her about meeting me) It was a small party with a couple dozen. This sunday there is a bigger party with a couple hundred that I'm expected to go to. I feel like I can blend in that one and not feel any pressure.

    I am probably going to just let old friends, be just that, old friends. If I cross there minds then I will be the old person I used to be, not this near crippled grumpy piece of shit I have turned into.
    Even if one of my old friends called me up tomorrow, I wouldn't tell them about the MS. It's just the way I have decided to handle this. I don't tell anyone I have MS. Only 2 co-workers know, and that is because I have worked with them for 12 years, and they were hounding me about my ongoing doctor visits this year.
    I have been to my old town twice since I moved, and both times I didn't bother to call any of them, but in two trips I have spent a total of 4 days, entire time spent with family.

    As far as showing weakness, I guess I have always kept that kind of stuff to myself. Why burden anyone with that? Why give them something to exploit? Past and current girlfriends I would let them in, I am not completely closed up.

    And how do I feel about myself? I fucking hate myself. I hate what has happened, what I have become. I am nothing near what I used to be. I feel like I don't recognize myself. In the mirror I look the same, except there's no smile anymore. I see a beaten and broken man.

    It is near impossible to offend me, so no need to worry there.

    Maybe I am sleeping, this would be a shitty dream...

    thanks for reading.

  6. I'm sorry things are still hard for you. The sleep issue is a total nightmare. I can sympathise. Then of course, the longer you don't sleep, the worse you feel. For people who don't suffer from insomnia, they may just think it will leave you a bit tired, when the reality is, it's way more than tiredness. You feel physically ill, emotional, crabbit and life is just shit. Just do what you have to do to sleep. I have been given allsorts to sleep, Amitryptiline (which is for pain but usually knocks people out) Neurontin which I was told would knock me out..again nope, Temazepam which I was reluctant to take as you get dependent, but I got so desperate I tried triple the dose..and still no! I just lie for hours staring at the ceiling, never putting the telly on. It's awful.

    I think the loss of your dog (no names now) has had a really bad effect on you. When you referred to her as your daughter, I realised you think of yours as I do with mines. It's way more than a pet, so like any very close human bereavement, it's natural to feel the way you do, with your emotions in an uproar. It annoys me when people say it's only an animal. Nobody can say when the time will come that it won't hurt so much. Teamed with the fact you have so much else going on just now, it's maybe going to take longer. It's only cos you loved her that much, it hurts this bad. Of course you must miss her, she was your best friend. Labs are such loyal creatures too. She's left a big empty gaping whole in your heart. I understand that. Do you think in time (years even) you'd ever get another companion? Or do you feel that would be disloyal to her? That's a natural feeling that most people battle with. The way I see it, it's in no way replacing them, that would be totally impossible. My way of thinking was I had so much love to give and this big gaping whole in my heart where the dog had been, that I figured giving another dog a home and a chance to be loved by me. The hardest bit was allowing myself to become close to it, but when you realise they're totally dependent on you, just like real babies, it in actual fact is easy. Your dog took a piece of your heart away, that will never change. She'll forever remain in your heart. For some the sheer pain of losing a beloved pet means they can never get another one, to protect themselves from going through that again. I understand that too. For me, I missed the routine of the walks, the feeding times, falling over toys, brushing up hair. So getting another one gave me a purpose in life. I'm not suggesting you should go right now and get one, it's just something for the future. You sounded like the best owner/Dad ever, and you have a lot to give. Again though, I'd understand if it's been too hard.

    To be continued.....

  7. Part 2.. They said it was too long for one post..jeez, I don't half waffle on..)

    By the takes a real man to admit he cries. It's in no way a sign of weakness, just a sign you've been trying to be strong for too long.

    The no friends issue is really hard. It would be nice to have someone to confide in, to hang out with, have them come round and spend time. I don't really have many now either, but I have met some good friends online. I know a lot of people are sceptical about online relationships/friendships..but I can honestly say for a few at least, they're now real friends, who have been there for me and vice versa. It can be hard when you're not doing too well to get out and about to meet new people. I've recently (through facebook) been found by some old schoolfriends, who I was told had been searching for me for ages, so that's been nice. While there's 50 of them I'm not interested in, there's been2 I've missed, who I have actually met up with since and that's been nice. Facebook can be bad too..but that's a whole other subject. It is hard telling people you're ill. Even the ones you've been friends with for a long time get bored of it (in my experience) and when you can no longer do the things you used to, you're no use to them.

    I am so pleased to see you say now that you're optimistic you will get your shit together (your words hehe) cos that's a step in the right direction. Rather than trying to sort everything at once, take one problem at a time. Hope you managed to find some 'gear' to help you sleep. At least when you have had sleep, it gives you a bit more energy to move onto tackling the next issue.

    I was a bit worried to reply before as I was scared I was pissing you off or the one who was preaching.

    Jax x

  8. Your town sounds like the right place to meet wrong people. After all I do understand you want to be on your own for a while.

    It takes time to heal mentally. You have to adjust to a whole new situation. But I am sure you will be all right in time. Because you are optimistic even when you are down, and you have a great deal of integrity. I believe you are a fighter to:)

    You should never feel bad about telling about or showing your problems. People will not like you LESS when they get to know you MORE. I can`t believe anyone would exploit it. And if they do they are not at all worthy of your friendship!! Not at all!! But of seem to be quite determined about not telling people. I do understand that. At least for now;)

    Everything which has happened is not your fault. Don`t hate yourself for it. You deserve better treatment!

    I hope you will enjoy the party on Sunday:)

  9. jax, I'm sure I will get another dog at some point. I wouldn't feel as if I was replacing her, that would be impossible. She was one of a kind.
    I do recognize my need for that kind of companion.
    It may be a few months down the road or longer but it will eventually happen.
    I was out and about earlier and a greyhound adoption agency had some dogs outside, I stopped just to pet them. One leaned up on my leg as I petted her. They were very sweet. Not my kind of breed, but I just wanted to love on another trampled soul for a moment. (I do not condone dog racing and its unfortunate what these dogs are put through and how they are treated when they serve no purpose to the assholes who race them)
    I like the idea of fostering a dog, but realistically I should own one before bringing one in to foster.

    one step at a time.

  10. Good, I'm really glad to hear that.:D You can tell you're such a dog person, dogs can sense a good person a mile off and it would be such a shame for you never to give that chance to another dog. When the time's right of course, when you heal a bit more and feel ready.

    Here we have a thing called Dogs Trust, they have dogs for adoption. We have actually adopted a wee dog called Digby. He looks like a wee dog I had that was killed in an accident:( Digby can't be rehomed due to his issues, so we just pay money each month to help keep him.

    On the flip side of adoption can be hard to take on a dog with problems. My Ellie is a pedigree, so aside from arthritis in one elbow, she's healthy (apart from when she ate tin foil, butter, a plant which poisoned her, a mobile However my younger dog Hollie was from unknown parents. On buying her from a horrible woman, she was tiny, her whole litter was out in the garden freezing, while the Doggy Mum was inside, and she was being fed weetabix. I was told she was 8 weeks, so next day I took her to the vet and it turned out she was more like 4 weeks. She also has hip dysplasia, and really bad seperation anxiety. She can't be left in the vet as she panics, even sedation won't help. She can't be through a door from me without going nuts, throwing herself at the door:( It's really sad. When I go into hospital, she's uncontrollable. Luckily as I'm not working, I'm with her a lot, but that's the bad thing about taking a dog you don't know the background of. It's a bit risky. However I feel at least I saved her from a bad life, I can pay for all her medications to keep her safe and when the time comes for her bi-lateral hip replacement, she'll have it done. So that's the good aspect of it.

    Whatever you eventually get will be a lucky dog. I call it my family jigsaw, and each dog is just a part of it. I know you'll never forget your dog, no other dog could ever replace her, but it will become that same big part of your life and occupy your heart and time again. You've a lot to give when you're ready. The doggy world needs people like you. xx