Thursday, December 1, 2011

Update 12/1

This is a post mainly for me to document whats going on right now, and how I currently feel.

I am sick of this life right now. I still have not had regular shits in two weeks. Either I cannot go, or if anything does come out its diarrhea. I am fucking sick of this body. It started around the time I started Celexa, last Wednesday the doctor pulled me off it because of the constipation. I still cannot get back to my regular self.
The Zanaflex seems to have lost its ability to help me asleep. I am waking up at night with spasms, mainly in my legs or arms.
After the anxiety attacks a couple weekends ago following my dog's death, I seem to have residual issues. Sometimes when I blink my left eye shutters a couple times. It opens and closes very quick after blinking. Very fucking annoying. I have spasms in my face now and I didn't before the attacks.

I am really fucking depressed right now. I don't have a reason to get up in the morning at all. I sit while working questioning why I fucking bother. I am on the verge of quitting, selling/giving away everything I own, let this house go, and just go somewhere to rot away.
I am admittedly against suicide, I think its a selfish bullshit thing to do to other people. I cannot go in the book as some pussy that killed himself and put that kind of burden on his family. I care for their feelings more than I do about ending my suffering.
That said, I would be content with going in a car wreck or some "normal" way like that. I want to be in a gas station with some piece shit robbing it so I can run my mouth or intervene hoping for a shot in the face. Something that causes no harm to anyone else but puts me out of my fucking misery.
These shit problems have actually had me wishing and hoping for some kind of colon cancer or some shit, just something to speed this up. I really don't want to go on anymore. I want my number to be called. I want my day to get here. While cancer would be a painful end, there would be an end.

I don't know what happens when you die, if there is a God, which I used to believe in, I am surely going to hell for questioning him and damning him for this life. If there is reincarnation, then I don't fucking know.
Chances are you die, and there is no soul, no afterlife. You cease to exist. You decompose, or you be come dust.
I have no idea what happens, just bring it already.


  1. My dear friend. So sad to read this. And I wish I had more time to write. But at least I am thinking of you.
    Thanks for writing. I am sure you will be better!


  2. I am glad you are telling about this. You are good at expressing things, and you seem like a clever, reflectiv person. I really wish you didn`t feel the way you do!! Can you talk with your psychologist about this? And someone else? I believe your physical problems will be better after a while. Isn`t that normal with MS. Troubles come, but they also go away. Be patient. I really appreciate getting to know you. Yours is the only blog I am reading, and I want you here!!
    Life is sometimes quite hectic here, so if my answers are very short and not so good it may be written while one of the kids are crying or something....

    There is light somewhere!


  3. I know things are really bad right now..but that's all. It's only just now, it's not forever. The storm will pass, there's always sunshine after the rain...for now learn to dance in the puddles! I know it may not seem like that right now, it probably seems like there's no tunnel, never mind light at the end, but it'll pass. I PROMISE! Things will get better, your MS will get on an even keel, you'll get sorted with better meds, and the hurt you feel about Biscuit won't always feel so bad. That horrible helpless and sad way you feel, will turn to smiles and happy memories.

    It's good you wrote this cos in time you can come back and reflect.

    Take care.

    Jax x

  4. There is a God. He loves you very much. He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to die for you, for your sins. You can know him, love him, and be deeply, abundantly loved by him if you have faith in him, repent of your sins, and ask Jesus to come live in your life, live in your heart and in your mind, and give him control of your life. There is an afterlife -- don't be deceived. Jesus loves you -- accept him and live! The best friend you have ever known -- ever -- ms is nothing compared to this eternal decision!