Saturday, March 24, 2012

Death Row

I am in prison and on death row.
I am deteriorating in my cell.
Despite time in the exercise yard, I am getting weaker by the day.
I fuck my cellmate who I loathe.
I dream of an escape but I am too weak.
The judge that put me here can go fuck himself.


Monday, March 19, 2012

Update 3/19

I will always remember the quote, but not who its from...
"Some days you're the pigeon, and other days you're the statue."
For me its more like "Some people are pigeons and others are statues"
I am a statue. That's not very deep, but I remember the quote at times, and find myself twisting it to fit my shit.

My problem was is waking with left foot problems. I don't know if it is MS related or not. I cannot turn my ankle or put weight on it. Woke up one day more than a week ago and fell trying to stand on it. The day/night before I did not jump, twist, run, nothing. I cannot tell if it is swollen. The ankle, specifically the Achilles tendon are tender to the touch. The slightest movement aside from a flat foot stance is extremely painful.
After about 4 days it cleared up, felt much better. I was thinking I had just a random bullshit problem and week.
Then I woke up again with the same problem. What in the fuck.
Since it is random, cannot explain why its happened and what the problem is exactly, I am left to wonder if it's MS fucking with me.

The insignificant thing recently is my fridge died. It was nice enough to die after filling it up, and the freezer was full of meat that was just ground up. Since I had just been shopping and was eating all fresh stuff, the freezer got warm for a day or two before it was even noticed. Took a couple days before I could get it replaced. Lost nearly everything but the vegetables.
Anyways, not a huge deal, that's fucking life for ya, just being a dick.

Started various vegetables and cannabis seeds for the garden this year.  I guess that's the only positive I have, although I am aware it only means more work and another thing to stress about later. Wish I could just enjoy the process from seed to harvest but my head won't allow it... I always turn it into a question of "What the fuck is going to go wrong now?"
Life has become when, not if.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Update 3/7

There is a large tree in the back yard that is usually late to bloom, and is ugly in the fall. Green leaves turn brown over night and just fall. Woodpeckers have been working on this tree for many years, as there are lines of dots all over it.
Recently I watched a small woodpecker work on the tree, and occasionally some small birds would fly into the tree. He would stop what he was doing to chase them off, and when all birds were gone, he would go back to work.

I think I have been keeping people out of my tree lately. Friends and family have called, and I have either not answered or have not called them back.
I have not been to psychologist in a month now, and canceled scheduled routine doctor appointments as I find them to be a waste of time and money. I continue time at dog shelter when I feel up to it.
I can't really say I am back to not wanting to be around anyone, since I never wanted to in the first place. I went on a tear reaching out to old friends, going to a "church", seeing doctors more, ms meetings, etc.. Its tiring shit, and feels like a waste of time. None of it added anything to my day or life. I truly felt no better trying to add people in my life. I did/do it because that is what I was told is "normal" and "healthy minded".

I haven't felt a desire to write anything.
This blog is my own personal record and diary, and I have nothing to add to it.
This post is mainly to plug in something for this span of time.

If I don't write, then I have nothing to update. I have auto-pilot on right now.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"