Saturday, December 31, 2011

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Update 12/29

Finally getting some sleep. Not a full night but getting through most of it. I am positive that Wellbutrin was fucking me up and causing the insomnia. I am gradually getting better. Back is not as bad, still some residual soreness. Seems like I am feeling spasms in my back more now. Nearly all leg pain from this exacerbation is gone.
I got my hands on one single joint a few days ago, busted it up into thirds and made it last three days. I would smoke a little before going to bed. Helped get me to sleep faster.
My dad is visiting, which has been nice. Enjoy hanging out with him. Having some good laughs and just taking it easy.

That's all I have for now. I plan on a shitty year in review type recap to cover the bullshit that was 2011.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Update 12/25

Feel like I am slowly getting better. Steroids appear to be taking affect but has taken a few days. The pain pills were barely working, and they certainly were not helping me sleep.
While talking to my sister yesterday, she said that she was on Wellbutrin at one time and within a day she developed insomnia. The light bulb went off and I put together that I haven't been sleeping for about as long as I have been on that shit. I stopped taking the medication today so we will see how that goes.
I did get more sleep last night than I have in weeks. I still kept waking up because of the pain and discomfort, but overall felt like I got some sleep. Feeling decent in the head for the first time in a while.

Still having issues with bladder and bowels. Found its best to sit and pee like a girl to get any decent stream of piss out, otherwise standing up it barely trickles out.
Also had trouble ejaculating. Girlfriend gave a bj that lasted about ten minutes when it never takes that long, I eventually told her it just wouldn't happen. So that's a bit of a bummer, don't have trouble getting it up, just getting off. Seems to have lost some sensitivity.

My dad should be arriving tomorrow evening, and I cannot wait. Looking forward to the visit. I hope the weather is nice for his visit so we can have some fires and hang outside.

Hope everyone is having a nice Christmas.

Saturday, December 24, 2011


Still no sleep. Going on third day in a row with zero hours. I took two Vicodin and tried to go to bed around 9pm, and couldn't fall asleep. I just got up to take another. Thought I would throw a post up to see if this might clear my mind.
I still have the back pain, and leg pain. I cannot take a shit and I cannot piss right. I have been drinking a ton of water, I always do, but more than usual hoping to avoid constipation. I feel like I am going to piss myself, I go to the bathroom, and nothing will come out, I have to stand there forever to get a trickle. Spasms have been a lot worse lately. A lot of tremors and shit. I am struggling to walk, fighting myself to not get in the wheelchair. Pride is a hell of a thing. 
I need to get my shit together, I have family visiting next week and I don't want to be like this. 

Not that I have enough to deal with, but some fucking asshole hit my car today while I was in a store. They hit the front passenger side fucking up the front of the car near the headlight. They took off and left no note. You would think around Christmas someone might have a change of heart in pulling shit like that. I had just finished donating money to the St. Judes Children's Research Hospital in the store I was in (I have a soft spot for any children charity's)...That's how God/Karma/Life/What-The-Fuck-Ever thanks me?

Still no pot, three people who can get it, couldn't this week... No choice but wait until Monday. Even then I have very little hope that it will actually happen. 

I feel like a broken man. I have lost all hope and faith in my life. I am being honest here, I feel like I am losing it. 
I even feel like I am losing support from my girlfriend. I tried to apologize to her, and let her know that I realize it must be hard for her because she also has to live with my issues too and she comes back with "You need to realize that other people out there have it worse". As I have stated before, I fucking hate hearing that. I fully understand and aware there are people with fucked up stuff going on. People are living on the streets, people are going hungry, people are dying that want to live, people with worst diseases that mine, or worst luck that I have. I am aware of all of this also includes children, which absolutely breaks my heart. 
But I have to live in this body with my own problems and I still have not found a way to embrace the way I am now. I am still mourning the death of my old self. He is gone. I will never be the same person again. I know this and I won't be told otherwise. 

Pill is kicking in and I am going to try and ride it to sleep. Hopefully getting these thoughts out will help. 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Update 12/23

Another night, and no sleep. No sleep at all. I watched every hour change from 9pm to 6am this morning and I finally had to just get up, couldn't lay in bed any longer.
The back pain still persists, and it spread to my legs, making even more difficult to walk. I can't describe the feeling having to take 8 pills (4 Prednisone). Its depressing.
I called the neurologist yesterday morning around 9am because I got less than an hour of sleep that night. I left a message requesting something to immediately ease my pain. I have never taken pain pills but I was in dire need.
I went all day waiting for a call back. I called them at 4:30pm and the fucking emergency answering service picks up, the office had already switched the phones over. I did not leave a message with them.
At this point I am upset, cussing up a storm. "I can't fucking believe they would treat a patient like this" and on and on. Since they are closed on Friday and Monday I am thinking I am stuck with this pain. I am already planning on going to the liquor store and getting a bottle of whiskey to drink myself asleep, which I know would be dangerous with the medications I am on, but I am desperate (and I don't drink).
My doctor calls at 5:30pm, finally!! We discuss the issue, and I told him flat out that I needed something for the pain and that I haven't been sleeping, the whole thing. He prescribes me Vicodin (Hydrocodon-Acetaminophin). This is not really what I had in mind but its something. I don't know much about pain pills but I know these are a milder pill.
I told him I am heading to the pharmacy right now. I get to the pharmacy and they haven't received the script yet. (I live 10 minutes away) 15 minutes pass and it finally arrives. The prescription has a digital signature on it and they won't accept it. WHAT THE FUCK?! So I have to call the doctor office, leave a message with the emergency call back service, for him to call me back. They wont take the pharmacy number so he can call directly. He calls me back in about 10 minutes. Told him they wouldn't take the digital and that he would need to call it in. Right after we hang up, I hear an automated "Call for pharmacy". Within a few minutes I hear this multiple times. I waited about 20 minutes before I gimp over to counter to ask if my doctor called, they say no, but one guy speaks up and says "oh but there is a voicemail". It was my doctor, and he did call 20 minutes earlier. You dumb motherfuckers... The tech rambles on shit about the milligrams and everything, I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I have never taken them before. He had a surprised look on his face and said "oh really?" Yeah dickhead, you have my script record right in front of you.
Maybe I was just cranky from the pain or lost of sleep, but I felt like I was treated like your run of the mill young dope head that talked his doctor into pain pills.
So a simple trip to pharmacy took an hour. With no sleep and barely able to walk, I was not happy.

The Vicodin doesn't seem to do much. When I finish work today I will take a couple of them, maybe three so I can hopefully get knocked out and sleep some. Tried to get some pot all week but everything fell through. Giving it one last go this afternoon, otherwise I will have to wait until Monday, when I have some pot and hash on the way, and that's a near guarantee. For some reason I feel like it is my key to getting to sleep. When I had it on a regular basis I could always smoke a little before going to bed and sleep like a baby.
I can drive 2 hours to visit a friend to get some, but I don't think I can comfortably sit in a car for 2 hours each way. The pain would not be worth it.
I really wish I had some smoke for the holidays. They are tough enough as it is with everything that's happened this year. When I smoke I can think at the pace I want to or need to, but what helps is having the ability to slow down my thinking. My brain seems like it does't have to be in overdrive. A sober me thinks way too much and about the wrong things.

I am unable to see my psychologist for the next couple weeks, I was supposed to see her yesterday, but her husband who has cancer has taken a turn for the worse and is in hospice now. At times I feel like I really need to talk to her, but I will survive. My problems with either be here or wont when she is ready to see me, unfortunately her's may not be.

Not sure if I will post much over the holiday weekend. Might throw up an update. We will see.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Exacerbation 12/21

Turns out that I am having an exacerbation.
I woke up today with the worst pain I have experienced in my life. My back is killing me, I cannot move any direction, or even sit without feeling the pain. There is no comfortable position period.
I went to my chiropractor this afternoon, he could feel my back muscles were very stiff, and the left side of my back was having spasms, which I cannot feel because of the pain. He concluded that the pain I am experiencing was MS related and not anything he could adjust.
We attempted the traction table which separates the vertebrae to allow calcium to enter and help rebuild the cartilage. I do this every time I go there with no problems, but today the pain was so much I stopped within a minute of being on the table. He then used cold laser therapy which did nothing.
I called my neurologist when I got home to report the issue. The PA called me back and discussed the issue. They believe I am having an exacerbation, or at the beginning of one.
They gave me the option of going to hospital to get IV steroids but I opted for the oral medication.
I was prescribed Prednisone which I have taken earlier this year with my last exacerbation.
I was also prescribed Mobic (Meloxicam) for pain and also Cymbalta for pain.

This is the last fucking thing I need right now. I cannot sit or lay down. I am in a lot of pain.
Is this everyone's idea of it getting better?

Update 12/21

Woke up today and I can barely move. I am dealing with a tremendous amount of back pain. I don't know if its spasticity or what. I can't bend it in any direction. I cannot find a comfortable position.
I took a Zanaflex already hoping that if it was spasticity that it would settle down, coming up on an hour and nothing.
I did not sleep well again last night. I continue to sleep in the guest room which has a firmer mattress, and generally has been better for my back. That is whats worrying me that this issue may be MS related. My back hasn't felt well since the weekend wood chopping shit, but nothing like this. I just saw a chiropractor yesterday, and felt better after I left his office.

Supposed to get some pot today or tomorrow. All of the sudden I know 2 people that can get me stuff, although they are people I barely know, so I am a little skeptical. But we will see.
I am supposed to get some pot and hash from another state in the coming weeks. I look forward to the hash, its generally stronger and might be the most beneficial thing I get for my spasms (and my back).
Alright, I am going to whine like a baby and try and find a comfortable position. I have to just deal with it because I have to work. I have no option, I have to work. I have bills to pay and drugs to buy.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Below is a picture of a shirt I quit wearing when my dog died. My girlfriend got me the shirt 4 or 5 years ago. Her along with everyone else felt it sums me up. It has a dude hanging out with his yellow dog, a baseball, and music playing. Life is was good. That shirt has been worn more than any shirt I own.
I have retired the shirt, its going into a box with her favorite toys, and her blanket.

I think in the next few weeks I will go get my very first tattoo. I thought when I was younger I would get a bunch of them, but as I got older, I could never decide on something I could live with for the rest of my life. 
I am so glad I scrapped the idea many times, the thought of some of the designs I was "serious" about, make my stomach turn.
I do have one design that is simple, and I know I could live with forever. I want to get her paw print on me somewhere. I have the impression of her paw that was made before she was cremated, and will use that to have an exact copy made. Don't know where I will get it, either over my heart, on arm or on back shoulder. 
I haven't decided if I will get her name or any words done. Just the paw print is a good starting point. 
I thought about "Shine on you crazy diamond" around the paw, but not sure about that. The song makes me think of her, but with enough time I could think of a hundred lyrical lines that make me think of her. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Update 12/19

Holy shit that christmas party was boring. There was a few hundred people there, but none of the younger people my girlfriend works with showed up. So we were stuck sitting at a table with old people that chat about the weather and other nonsense. My girlfriend and I were a little over dressed. She planned her outfit a week in advance, bought a nice dress, shoes, the whole thing. She was dressed to impress, but none of her regular co-workers showed up. I had to dress nicer than I normally would to keep up. We lasted less than an hour there.
Oh well, I did my part, shook hands and laughed at stupid unfunny jokes.

I increased my sleeping to about 6 hours last night, I hope I am getting this turned around. I started sleeping in my regular bed, but after an hour of not being able to sleep, I grabbed my pillow and went to the guest room. The bed is a little more comfortable in there. My bed is old and was a hand-me-down from my parents, don't know how long they had it before me. I am well past due for a new bed, but cannot afford one right now.

I got really pissed at work today, I wont go into too many details but basically they are starting to pay people for work that I have been doing for 10 years with no extra pay, and they start this shit after I move. I used the word "reparations" when expressing my issue with this, its probably too strong for this situation, but they got the point. I have worked for the same company for 12 years and counting, the part that pissed me off really wasn't the past work I have done, but I asked to take on the future work so I could make extra money, and I was told that it may upset the employees there since I would take away from their ability to make more.. Is that how an employee that has been with the company since it started is treated? When I started, there was only 5 employees total, now there is over 50. I have played an important part in building this company. I worked weekends and holidays for years to keep things going. I actually had clients cry when I told them I was moving, some have told me I am a reason they use our company (which I HATED to hear) and continue to get clients asking when I will be down there again to visit them.
All these years, regardless of how important I was told I was, I never grew any sense of entitlement. I never grew a big head like other employees have after working there for a year.
That said, I will not make a big deal about this, I will continue to do my job.

Waiting to hear from my Dad if he will come visit the week after christmas. I hope he does, I miss hanging out with him. He likes to hang out by a fire like I do, so yesterday I beat myself up a bit with all of that wood cutting incase he comes to visit, we will have alot of wood to burn. Anytime he has visited we usually hang out by the fire pit, smoke some joints and chat.

I forgot to mention, when I was hanging out by the fire yesterday, it was hard to not get upset. It was the first fire I had since my dog died, and when she was around, she would always hang out down there with me. If you went outside, she wanted to be outside.
To get a mental picture of the setup, the back of the property goes down a little on a slope. There is a wood deck where it levels out, and a few feet past the desk is a big fire pit made of stones that were found around the property that make a roughly 5 foot wide pit. Beyond that is a wooded area.
She always sat next to me on the deck, sometimes getting up to sniff around or chase a squirrel.
It's been hard because she was involved in nearly all facets of my life, even something as simple as sitting by a fire...

(this is where I go to let my mind run off)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Update 12/18

I managed to get five hours of sleep both friday and saturday night.
I know what I was doing but I did it anyways, last night I took two Marinol, two Zanaflex (I always take two before bed), a Tylenol PM, and I squeezed out some Marinol on some old roach papers (for those that don't know, these are from joints that were smoked down to 1/2 inch size, then the pot in them were smoked, leaving what's usually trash) and smoked that. Got nice and fucked up and went to bed. Still only managed to squeeze five hours out of it.

Spent the day today down at my fire pit and burned old brush and limbs for a few hours. I wore myself out cutting stuff up with a hatchet. I purposely pushed myself until I couldn't move anymore. Don't know why, I just did. I became obsessed with cutting this one log in half (with the hatchet), I was swinging it until I couldn't lift my arm anymore. I would sit down, and when I could move my arm, go back and start cutting again.
I finally cut that fucker in half, and I feel like I conquered something today. As sore and wore out as I feel, the feeling of cutting that shit is greater than the pain.

I have a christmas party to go to shortly. I am spent, and I will still go to this thing. The girlfriend is a little pissed that I pushed myself today. She kept coming out and telling me to quit playing with the fire because she knew I was going to tire out. Fuck it. Maybe I need to push myself to toughen up a bit and just deal with it. I certainly feel a lot more weak physically and mentally this year, I need to turn it around.

This song is an oldie, but has re-emerged in the last couple years, due to a show that uses it as it's theme song. (The Life and Times of Tim)
I didn't know this was Hank Williams' last song he ever recorded.

Friday, December 16, 2011


It always has to be something right?
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).

Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is.  I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.

I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.

And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.

So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.

Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.


I haven't written in almost a week. Nothing to say really. I am in a mode of just working as much as I can and trying to get to pay day. Since pet bills drained my savings, my cloud really. Money has become a whole new stress on my life. While I was in no means rich at all, but I would be responsible with my money and keep a bit aside. Something always happens to deplete it. Recently its completely gone. So I am back to pay check to pay check, waiting for it to come.

Started taking Welbutrin in the last week. I don't feel mentally different. I have had a couple weeps over my dog out of nowhere.
Physically there seems to be no change. Thankfully the bowels are getting better and Wellbutrin hasn't caused any issues with that.

All I have now is time. Don't know for what though.
I may start a new hobby doing something in the next week. I have been thinking hard about what I want to do and also what I can do.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


I've censored the following, in protest of a bill that gives any corporation and the US government the power to censor the internet--a bill that could pass THIS WEEK. To see the uncensored text, and to stop internet censorship, visit:
This very site would be able to be shut down with no warning and no due process.

To those not in the US that may not be able to go through the process to read the following post, I will post an uncensored version in the next couple days. 

I █████'t ███████ in ██████ a ████. ███████ to say ██████. I am in a ████ of ████ ███████ as ████ as I can and ██████ to get to pay day. █████ pet █████ ███████ my ███████, my █████ ██████. █████ has ██████ a █████ new ██████ on my ████. █████ I was in no █████ ████ at all, but I █████ be ███████████ ████ my █████ and ████ a bit █████. █████████ ██████ ███████ to ███████ it. ████████ its ██████████ ████. So I am ████ to pay █████ to pay █████, ███████ for it to ████.

███████ ██████ █████████ in the ████ ████. I don't ████ ████████ █████████. I ████ had a ██████ █████ ████ my dog out of ███████.
██████████ █████ █████ to be no ██████. ██████████ the ██████ are ███████ ██████ and ██████████ ████'t ██████ any ██████ ████ ████.

All I ████ now is ████. Don't ████ for ████ ██████.
I may █████ a new █████ █████ █████████ in the ████ ████. I ████ ████ ████████ ████ █████ ████ I ████ to do and ████ ████ I can do.

Uncensor This

Thursday, December 8, 2011

12/8 Thoughts...

I miss my old self. I miss feeling healthy, being in love, and the various friendships.
Before MS, I felt unstoppable. I was strong and confident. Even through strings of bad luck in the past I could always overcome the issues and survive stronger.
The MS seems to have broken me down so much that the wall in front of me feels like it cannot be climbed over or torn down.

When I look back at the last ten-twelve years I almost don't recognize the person I used to be. In almost three years I have wilted away. I live thousands of miles from where I grew up. I am not in contact with any of my old friends. I moved where I did in hopes to shake off whatever was bringing me down, and to be even more active with the outdoors. But months later I was brought down more and more until I was diagnosed.
I used to be a political activist. I was very active in my political community, taking part in many protests. I was on top of the world happenings, and what wasn't happening on the front page. I knew my local and federal government well.
Then came a time where I quickly lost faith in the government, lost faith in their dedication to the People. I think around that time I started losing my faith in religion as well. It seemed like my third eye of sorts had opened and I was seeing clearly for the first time. Both the antics of government and religion were designed to keep me busy, keep me occupied with the bullshit they fed us, it's enough to either like or hate them, but it consumes you. They both offer a ball of yarn while the real bullshit is underway. I feel both entities are just businesses.

I am not going to get into any deep religious debate or discussion here. I am on the fence and will stay there for a while. I am not currently going to seek out religion, I know I am ripe for the picking right now. I am a prime vulnerable target to be a new customer member of a bank church.
While I do appreciate some of you trying to help, but preaching is not for me right now. I am beyond the point of that right now.

I look forward to tomorrow because it's not today.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Update 12/7

Don't know where to start, I really have lost all direction lately. My attitude seems to have gone neutral, I'm neither positive or negative about anything. Feel like I'm in a stand still. There is nothing I want to do, see, feel.
Patiently waiting for my day.

I have not started Wellbutrin yet. I am still waiting for my bowels to get to normal.
Psychologist wants me to start asap, but understands my desire to get right first, but she feels the Wellbutrin is a step to getting my head right, which could be the root of the bowel issues. So I am contemplating starting it today.
I have not been on the computer much. I finish my work day and get away from it. I have a few acres, so time has been spent walking it, and having fires in the pit. I can lose hours staring at the fire. Sometimes my mind runs when sitting by the fire, so it is not always a positive time.

I picked up my dog's remains yesterday, I had to sit in the car and cry it out for a few before I could continue on to my doctor's appointment. There was a kind of nice surprise in the bag that really kicked off the tears, they made an impression of her paw and it was in the bag with her urn.
Water works started again once I got home and pulled the urn out. Something hit me, like a realization that she is really gone and I will never get to hug or pet her again. I miss her.

Life continues to fuck with me. I don't understand why the small things cannot go smooth. I am really not asking much. I am already dealing with enough.
I live in a state that requires vehicle inspections. This year was the first year I was required to get inspection done.
I have a newer car, so I assumed this is going to be a piece of cake. Nope. Window tint is too dark, which was legal in another state. Ok, what the fuck ever, I can deal with that. There is a very small dent in the rear quarter panel from a piece of sheet metal that hit it during a storm. (yeah, the bullshit has been pouring on for years now). They said the car couldn't pass until the dent was fixed... Are you fucking kidding me?? How does the dent affect the safety of the vehicle, or the emissions?? Its a VERY small cosmetic flaw.
Due to the type of car and color, its a $1000 fix. The kind of shit they allow on the fucking roads here blows my mind, and they going to fail the car because of a tiny fucking dent?
So I have to go get a clothes steamer and remove the tint from my car, and I am going to take it to a hole-in-the-wall shop and hope they will pass it anyways. The inspection sheet only lists the tint fail anyways.
Fucking assholes.

Again, why? Why can't shit just go as planned, at least until the end of the year. 2012 can come along and be worse than 2011, not sure how, but I don't care. Give me 30 fucking days with no bullshit... please. For the rest of 2011, let me feel well. No spasms, no pain, just be normal. But life wont make that happen, life says "fuck you, here's 365 days bitch, deal with it."
I'm fucked either way.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Update 12/2

I was pulled off all medications except for Gilenya. They started to tell me to take more Zanaflex because I have quickly grown a tolerance, but it was decided that I shouldn't take it until things start to return to "normal". So I will go back to waking up with spasms and staying up for a while. I'm already used to my daytime discomfort because I don't take anything during the day for spasms.
I was prescribed Wellbutrin (Bupropion). Its a anti-depressant. I will not be taking it until things get right internally.

I fear that m Optic Neuritis may be coming back, which was double vision earlier this year for 5 months. My vision has been a little blurry the last few days and my eyes are bothering me. This is the same pattern when it hit me before. I really do not want to live with the double vision again. It was one of the worst periods of my life. The first time I had it, the gf was running around on me, I had a list of physical issues that I didn't know were MS. I couldn't drive. I could barely walk because of the vertigo that came with the double vision.

I do not fear death, but I do fear living disabled.

On top of all this bullshit, my company had payroll issues and I still have not been paid yet. My dog's surgeries/death cost me several thousand dollars and wiped out my savings. Checks are starting to bounce. I canceled today's doctor appointment because I cannot afford the copay.
I really do not need this shit right now.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Update 12/1

This is a post mainly for me to document whats going on right now, and how I currently feel.

I am sick of this life right now. I still have not had regular shits in two weeks. Either I cannot go, or if anything does come out its diarrhea. I am fucking sick of this body. It started around the time I started Celexa, last Wednesday the doctor pulled me off it because of the constipation. I still cannot get back to my regular self.
The Zanaflex seems to have lost its ability to help me asleep. I am waking up at night with spasms, mainly in my legs or arms.
After the anxiety attacks a couple weekends ago following my dog's death, I seem to have residual issues. Sometimes when I blink my left eye shutters a couple times. It opens and closes very quick after blinking. Very fucking annoying. I have spasms in my face now and I didn't before the attacks.

I am really fucking depressed right now. I don't have a reason to get up in the morning at all. I sit while working questioning why I fucking bother. I am on the verge of quitting, selling/giving away everything I own, let this house go, and just go somewhere to rot away.
I am admittedly against suicide, I think its a selfish bullshit thing to do to other people. I cannot go in the book as some pussy that killed himself and put that kind of burden on his family. I care for their feelings more than I do about ending my suffering.
That said, I would be content with going in a car wreck or some "normal" way like that. I want to be in a gas station with some piece shit robbing it so I can run my mouth or intervene hoping for a shot in the face. Something that causes no harm to anyone else but puts me out of my fucking misery.
These shit problems have actually had me wishing and hoping for some kind of colon cancer or some shit, just something to speed this up. I really don't want to go on anymore. I want my number to be called. I want my day to get here. While cancer would be a painful end, there would be an end.

I don't know what happens when you die, if there is a God, which I used to believe in, I am surely going to hell for questioning him and damning him for this life. If there is reincarnation, then I don't fucking know.
Chances are you die, and there is no soul, no afterlife. You cease to exist. You decompose, or you be come dust.
I have no idea what happens, just bring it already.