Why?

Still no sleep. Going on third day in a row with zero hours. I took two Vicodin and tried to go to bed around 9pm, and couldn't fall asleep. I just got up to take another. Thought I would throw a post up to see if this might clear my mind.

I still have the back pain, and leg pain. I cannot take a shit and I cannot piss right. I have been drinking a ton of water, I always do, but more than usual hoping to avoid constipation. I feel like I am going to piss myself, I go to the bathroom, and nothing will come out, I have to stand there forever to get a trickle. Spasms have been a lot worse lately. A lot of tremors and shit. I am struggling to walk, fighting myself to not get in the wheelchair. Pride is a hell of a thing. 

I need to get my shit together, I have family visiting next week and I don't want to be like this. 

Not that I have enough to deal with, but some fucking asshole hit my car today while I was in a store. They hit the front passenger side fucking up the front of the car near the headlight. They took off and left no note. You would think around Christmas someone might have a change of heart in pulling shit like that. I had just finished donating money to the St. Judes Children's Research Hospital in the store I was in (I have a soft spot for any children charity's)...That's how God/Karma/Life/What-The-Fuck-Ever thanks me?

Still no pot, three people who can get it, couldn't this week... No choice but wait until Monday. Even then I have very little hope that it will actually happen. 

I feel like a broken man. I have lost all hope and faith in my life. I am being honest here, I feel like I am losing it. 

I even feel like I am losing support from my girlfriend. I tried to apologize to her, and let her know that I realize it must be hard for her because she also has to live with my issues too and she comes back with "You need to realize that other people out there have it worse". As I have stated before, I fucking hate hearing that. I fully understand and aware there are people with fucked up stuff going on. People are living on the streets, people are going hungry, people are dying that want to live, people with worst diseases that mine, or worst luck that I have. I am aware of all of this also includes children, which absolutely breaks my heart. 

But I have to live in this body with my own problems and I still have not found a way to embrace the way I am now. I am still mourning the death of my old self. He is gone. I will never be the same person again. I know this and I won't be told otherwise. 

Pill is kicking in and I am going to try and ride it to sleep. Hopefully getting these thoughts out will help.