Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Update 12/7

Don't know where to start, I really have lost all direction lately. My attitude seems to have gone neutral, I'm neither positive or negative about anything. Feel like I'm in a stand still. There is nothing I want to do, see, feel.
Patiently waiting for my day.

I have not started Wellbutrin yet. I am still waiting for my bowels to get to normal.
Psychologist wants me to start asap, but understands my desire to get right first, but she feels the Wellbutrin is a step to getting my head right, which could be the root of the bowel issues. So I am contemplating starting it today.
I have not been on the computer much. I finish my work day and get away from it. I have a few acres, so time has been spent walking it, and having fires in the pit. I can lose hours staring at the fire. Sometimes my mind runs when sitting by the fire, so it is not always a positive time.

I picked up my dog's remains yesterday, I had to sit in the car and cry it out for a few before I could continue on to my doctor's appointment. There was a kind of nice surprise in the bag that really kicked off the tears, they made an impression of her paw and it was in the bag with her urn.
Water works started again once I got home and pulled the urn out. Something hit me, like a realization that she is really gone and I will never get to hug or pet her again. I miss her.

Life continues to fuck with me. I don't understand why the small things cannot go smooth. I am really not asking much. I am already dealing with enough.
I live in a state that requires vehicle inspections. This year was the first year I was required to get inspection done.
I have a newer car, so I assumed this is going to be a piece of cake. Nope. Window tint is too dark, which was legal in another state. Ok, what the fuck ever, I can deal with that. There is a very small dent in the rear quarter panel from a piece of sheet metal that hit it during a storm. (yeah, the bullshit has been pouring on for years now). They said the car couldn't pass until the dent was fixed... Are you fucking kidding me?? How does the dent affect the safety of the vehicle, or the emissions?? Its a VERY small cosmetic flaw.
Due to the type of car and color, its a $1000 fix. The kind of shit they allow on the fucking roads here blows my mind, and they going to fail the car because of a tiny fucking dent?
So I have to go get a clothes steamer and remove the tint from my car, and I am going to take it to a hole-in-the-wall shop and hope they will pass it anyways. The inspection sheet only lists the tint fail anyways.
Fucking assholes.

Again, why? Why can't shit just go as planned, at least until the end of the year. 2012 can come along and be worse than 2011, not sure how, but I don't care. Give me 30 fucking days with no bullshit... please. For the rest of 2011, let me feel well. No spasms, no pain, just be normal. But life wont make that happen, life says "fuck you, here's 365 days bitch, deal with it."
I'm fucked either way.


  1. I am very concerned about you. I don't like the tone of your postings. Don't do anything that you can never, ever take back. Anonymsbs, there is an afterlife. Don't go plunging into it -- you can't take it back.

    Reach out to Jesus -- your life doesn't have to be lived in this hole. You have a choice! But, it is your choice! God bless!

  2. I am also very concerned. I hopehopehope you will take your Wellbutrin! Today!
    Thinking of you.


  3. I always had a belief and faith in God, but in the last few years I have been left with no other logical/rational thoughts but to question His existence. What loving and caring God would allow my life to get like this?
    You can take the "test of faith" stuff and sit on it. I'm no Job.
    There is no sin that I have committed in my life that warrants this wrath.
    There is nothing I have done in this life that warrants the "Karma".

    I am left with the conclusion there is no higher being that would put me through this for any reason. To teach a lesson or not, I am not learning anything from this.

    I want to believe in Him... He needs to show himself to me in another way.

    I must add, taking my life is not an option. While I question the impact it would have on others, I know and have experienced how it affects others, and would not put anyone I love through that.

  4. The thing about God is that you CANNOT know him the way you are trying to know him. You are unable to know God in your own mind without going through the gate. The gate is Jesus Christ.

    John14:6 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. NO ONE comes to the Father except through Me.

    John 14:7 "If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also, and from now on you know him and have seen Him."

    I do not know your background with the gospel or Jesus. So pardon me if you already know this. I am trying to show you a way out of your misery.

    Jesus is the son of God -- he is equal with God. God sent him into this world to be a sacrifice so that we as sinners might be able to be with God and know him. He is a holy God, and therefore we must be holy. Jesus is how we do that. God is not evil or vindictive -- he is God. This is his game. He is good! He loves you more than you could ever fathom. Just because you have a view that is based upon being human, don't doubt that he is good!

    You have to become sick of your sin. You have to repent of your sin (turn away).

    Acts 3:19 "REpent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord"

    You have to believe that Christ died on the cross for your sin, and rose again from the dead.

    "If you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10:9)

    Receive Christ by faith into your heart for the forgiveness of sin and the gift of eternal life.

    "For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

    "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23)

    Jesus said, "Unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God ... That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Sporit is spirit." (John 3:3-6)

    "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

    You cannot know God because you must be born of the spirit first.

    This is not nearly as hard as it sounds. Just talk to Jesus and tell him you want to know him. Tell him that you are sick of your sin and want him to save you from it. Tell him that you know he died for you, and that you want to accept his sacrifice and be reconciled to God.

    I PROMISE you that this will be the very best decision you ever make in your entire life. Peace with God through Jesus Christ makes life worth living. Without that, life is not worth living, MS or no MS.

    By the way, we all have entered in the same way. We all are and have been sinners -- only difference is that now we are sinners that know Jesus Christ. And he makes all the difference!

  5. This will all make you will come out the other side. Just hang in there. I'd advise you to start straight away too, as stress will majorly exacerbate the bowel situation. I think the more pressing thing at the moment is getting you in a better head space. I am aware that me trying to be positive is probably doing everyone's head in now, so I'm going to stop. I know when you're in the pit of despair, it seems like things will never get better, so you probably think I'm talking a load of old shit. I will be thinking of you though x

    P.S. The paw print is a lovely thing to have to remember Biscuit. That will get less painful as time goes on too. That's not me being Mrs Positive, that's from experience.

  6. I guess I also believe in God. I find him in the space between my thoughts. Throug mindfulness. God cannot be explained or understood. As goes for a lots of other things in this world. Like for instance how I can feel your pain. I guess everyone who read your blogg can feel it. But I can feel it physically. Your sadness, the pain in your right leg, in your stomach etc. And I can feel your soul. It is truly beautiful! I never dared to tell anyone about this before, that I feel too much. It happens only with a few people. I believe you said we could speak honestly in here. I hope it`s ok that I do.
    I really care about you!