Saturday, July 28, 2012

Update 7/28

The afternoon following the last post, I spoke with my neurologist at length.
Turns out that he misunderstood the severity of my conditions when I originally called him almost 2 months ago. He requested I start IV steroids immediately but due to finances (and partly the needle thing) I declined and opted for Prednisone... again. Fourth of fifth time in just over a year that I have been on it.

And if taking roids wasn't enough for my body to deal with.. I quit smoking last weekend. I have been a pack a day smoker for many years. Dropping them here and there for a couple months at a time, but I have been a pack a day for five or six years straight. Anytime I have quit has always been cold turkey including this time.
I have been wanting to quit for a long time. Its obviously unhealthy, it stinks, its expensive, its fucking awesome and will miss it.

I have been in withdrawals, headaches daily, body temp rises and muscles/nerves fuck up, and worst of all so far, not a decent shit has been taken...
I am in a very uncomfortable state where either due to no smoking or the steroids, my body does not want to take a shit.
I have been all over fiber and water (drink nothing but water anyways). Yesterday and today I have had once again, the fucked up experience of using suppositories (multiple types)...I don't know how adventurous people go there with anything... Each one has felt more demoralizing than the last. I essentially feel like I am raping myself.
Even with the suppository self-rape I have not been able to manage a solid flush.
I hope this does not end in a trip to a doctor....     

I will buy a pack of smokes before long if I don't feel any better and accept that I need a method to kicking this particular addiction.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Update 7/24

My last grandfather passed away at 80 years old a couple weeks ago. He lived a good life and he was a good man. He taught me a lot of things and never got angry with me in all the time I spent with him.
Glad I made the trip to see him a month before he passed. While it was rough at the time, I look on it later and only focus on the time with him. Same will be thought of the trip I made for his memorial service. Both were 3 day trips and 1500 miles round trip.

I have been fucked up for a while now. I think going on nearly 2 full months of using a cane. Cannot keep my balance. Right leg wants to drag at times, more often as the day gets long. Difficulty getting in and out of chairs. Hands and feet are getting cramp spasms at times that cause them to curl in, really fucking painful. Getting 'the hug' and waves of pain. It goes on and on every day. Where is the 'remitting' part???
Yesterday I had what felt like three sets of hands grab my leg and pull it down. That has still left my leg muscles sore and aching.
It goes on, I know there's something big that I am forgetting (there's one). I called my neuro and we have played phone tag for a week now... I am assuming there is nothing he can do except offer me pills. I wont take them so the calls are for record purposes. If I have to file for disability at some point, there is a record of my demise decline.

I am moving to another state in the next month or so, the decision where, and the impending move has been very stressful. I know its not helping my body get right.
There is something that I had my heart set on doing while I lived here that I will not be able to do because of time and finances. It was something important enough to me, as a grown man it has brought tears to my eyes.
I am struggling to save every penny I can for moving. This will require that I go without cannabis for who knows how long. I wont know anyone in the new place to get anything, another thing to stress about.
At the moment, certain that I will not move to a medical marijuana state right now. I will probably hold tight where I go for a couple years and see if some other states here get their shit together, meanwhile living as the scum of society, a pothead piece of shit criminal who "needs" his "medicine"... fuck you (you know who you are).

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


The house I rent is tied up in the landlord's divorce and I have a couple months to move. I wasn't planning on moving until spring or summer next year. The timing couldn't be worse with recent health issues and pending MRI. 

I am torn between staying in my region or making the jump to a state that supports medical marijuana.
Staying involves a continued distaste for the area and locals and dealing with less than ideal weather.
Leaving involves moving 500-1000+ miles, being out of reach from family, and increased moving cost.
The thoughts of having a talk with the cellmate about her escape are persistent. She needs to be shown the way to escape here. 
I think regrets will settle in with either decision.

Today many Americans are celebrating some form of independence, I am reminded of my lack of.