Interesting week so far, started off pretty shitty and has been a little relentless. But it has some decent moments.
Weekend was shit. Waste of time. Worked the whole weekend. I was on call and the phone calls wouldn't stop. People in that town are getting dumber I suppose. Most of the calls are not what most people would consider an emergency.
Three days this week a different dick each day has called between 5-6am. Really, really fucking annoying.
Recently went to a MS meeting. At the meeting a top neurologist in the town was there for Q&A. I asked about how common residual effects from an exacerbation are, and if there was a resource for patients to look up possible conflicts between medications. Even though both of my doctors are updated on what I have taken in the past, they both seem to just pile on shit without using any caution.
I mentioned in the meeting that I had dropped all medications except Gilenya and cannabis when it is available.
The lady that runs the meeting said that they couldn't talk about who to get what from who, but if anyone wanted to help me they could see me after the meeting, and they did. After the meeting 4 people approached me, one simply stated that he smokes (and said he wants to catch a ball game when the season starts), three said they would either supply me or set me up with their dude. One person gave me some which was very nice of them. So I walked out of the meeting for three connections, when in the six or so meetings I have attended I have left there with zero new information and feeling worse about the MS.
I was given enough shit to last me a few days, so I am very grateful.
The Walk MS event is going to be happening in my town in the upcoming months. I had been letting family know about it. I didn't necessarily invite anyone here, but when they mentioned about potentially coming here I told them they were welcome anytime. Well it fucking blew up in my face a couple days ago. I already knew of a couple immediate family members planning on coming. Within 2 days I have been told of atleast 8 people that are planning to come. 8 fucking people is a bit much, and it was mentioned I should expect more.
Now I love my family and would do anything for them, but Sweet Baby Jesus Christ that's too many in one visit. I have a three bedroom house, one room is my office, the other a guest room. where the fuck with they all fit?
We will manage.
The one group that kind of throws off the vibe and balance of the weekend will be my grandparents. I never thought I would ever see them make a trip up here. They are up there in age and do not travel well. Most the remaining family smokes dope and while I have already told my Grandmother I smoke pot due to the MS and she is accepting of that, it is as bad as kicking a baby for the rest of them to do it. That goes for cigarette smoking as well, which most of them do. But that is one thing I have told them to suck it up and deal with it. When my Grandmother saw me smoke for the first time, she took a swing at me, and threw a fit. After that she never gave me shit, and never bitched at me again. So the family that does smoke needs to just take the swing, and get it over with.
I will promise this, I will not hide my dope smoking around her. I swear, if it is time for me to smoke and she is outside, I will march right out there with my joint or pipe and fire it up. I will then proceed to attempt the most complex, and intelligent conversation she has ever heard. I already talk over her head at times and she tries to keep up, but I will rehearse this shit. I will make sure any misconception she has, is completely blown away. Again her and I already talked about it. Last time I was down visiting them, I brought it up when she was asking about my medications. She even said if she knew where she could get it, she would right then. Little did she know I was getting ready to leave her house and pick up three ounces.
My grandfather asked my mom once last year if she "had any of those funny cigarettes", I guess he was in pain one day and was open to smoking it (again?). She said she didn't. I will ask him when we are alone if he would like a toke. I love and relish, I go so far as to say I get a rush from getting to smoke with family members that I never thought I would get to, or never thought they would ever. I have smoked with other grandparents, aunts/uncles etc... I have a cousin that I was around when she was born up till she was in early teens and she moved. One of the smartest and brightest people I have ever met. Her mom said she knows her daughter has smoked and probably would smoke when she came to visit. My mind was blown thinking about the memory of the sweetest girl in my life taking a toke of that shit. I would never pressure her, but I will offer it once since she is 18 now. I get giddy thinking about it, and I think that's where the rush is kicking in... I never would pressure anyone into it, although I did in my late teens with one of my good friends. He was drunk so I figured I could talk him into it. But he never gave in...
My life seems to be all or nothing especially when it comes to friends, family, or pot.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
One step and stumble at a time...
The SOPA/PIPA blackout seems to have been a very powerful statement. Multiple supporters and co-sponsors of the bill in Washington have already dropped their support of the bill (14 as of this morning). Still has a long way before being fully dropped but its a step in the right direction...
Started Valium and it does't do shit. Doesn't make me drowsy, pick me up, center me, nothing. It's even supposed to help with spasms, and I continue to have them while on the medication. These are 10mg which I guess is the highest dose. I took two last night with no change in any feeling. Am I that dead inside I cannot feel medication trying to work? Is my brain that fucked it wont allow medications to work?
Well I have been trying my best to take steps in the right direction for myself.
In the last two days, I got in touch with some of my old friends. Friends I grew up with and were close to until my early 20's. At that time we all just kind of drifted apart. Most of it was each of us getting into serious relationships, careers, and whatever else. Really cannot pinpoint why, it just slowly happened. The times we would hang out became less and less until a couple of us simply moved out of the city/state and not saying a word to each other about it. By now all these guys have kids, some are married.
Turns out my two main friends I grew up with already knew about the MS. They found out from my sister. Not sure how I feel about her telling people, I guess it just threw me off when one of the first things they bring up after all these years is that. On one hand it was nice that they cared and brought it up because I wasn't going to, at least for a while. On the other hand, if they gave a shit, why didn't they bother trying to contact me? Again makes me evaluate what kind of friend I was. We were a close knit group growing up for years. We did everything together. I was always there for them, and helped any way I possibly could, and vice versa...
If there was a leader of our group, I would say it was me. I was the oldest (by a few months) and had my head on straight. I always knew where the line was. Just how far we could take things without going to far, or getting caught.
In our teenage years we would go drinking at a dead end in a remote location almost every weekend, but I would always make sure one person was not drinking and could drive us all home. It was a rule I put in place and we always followed it. I was a DD multiple times. If there was a potential issue with a parent, I had a solution for the issue. I could script a perfect manipulation to be used on a parent to get out of nearly all situations with even the strictest parent. None of us ever got busted for drinking, or smoking dope, or whatever shenanigans we had been up to, and we did plenty of shit that would have landed us in jail.
I wish I could step back into that time for a little while. I was healthy and care free, I could do anything.
I handled a full time job, girls, drinking/drugs, friends, all of it, and it was easy, and I wasn't even 18 yet living on my own.
Anyways, took that step to getting in touch with them, we all exchanged email/mailing addresses and phone numbers. Everyone was in agreement that too much time had passed, that we all needed to stay in touch and plan a trip for us all to get together.
I have to admit I had a flash of happiness talking with them. Actually laughed a bit going over some old shit we used to do. My girlfriend observed the same thing since she rarely even sees me crack a smile anymore.
Went to psychologist yesterday. Not much was accomplished in this visit. She was trying to get me to imagine and describe what I would be doing with my life if I did not have MS, but I was drawing a blank. As if to get me to realize I should be able to do the same things. But that is not the case. I moved to the mountains to be more of an outdoors-man, hiking and camping. I cannot physically do that shit anymore.
She tried to explore current goals, yet I have none. All I have known since I was 15 was working a full time job. By 17 I was working in my current career, owned my own home by 19, so goals were met pretty early. I really didn't have defined goals, I just needed to work, and get to the weekend. At that age, I just wanted to chase the muff around and get fucked up, responsibly.
She also went over scenarios where if I was with someone I was actually in love with and she loved me, and how I think that would affect my depression.
It was hard answering any of these questions, I don't know. I seemed to lost my ability to peel layers from a scenario or situation to view it at every angle and have an answer for everything. I feel like I can barely problem solve in my job anymore, which is my job.
Religion came up, and I revealed that I have in fact lost my faith in God. She was surprised and concerned to hear that, considering everything I have lost in the last year, to also lose that is apparently a big deal. It basically is just too much for one person. Even others that may be close to my situation with the endless flow of bullshit, still have some sort of spirituality. Something they depend on. I do not have that. I have no religion or spirituality. Other than this blog, I have nothing I lean on for any support.
There is no meaning to life. I think we are just here, and then we are not. What's left of us is what is recorded by humans in our existence.
The God I did believe in is supposed to be a loving and caring God. I don't want to worship a God that allows life to be like this. This is not my doing. Too much of this is out of my control.
I have lived my life as a good person. I have always treated people with respect, even if I don't respect them or what they do. Am I being punished for swearing? Am I being punished for sex before marriage? How about underage drinking, or taking drugs? And downloading movies or music? If any of these "sins" warrant the type of punishment that I have been given, then fuck you. I do not need you in my life then. That is not how you show your existence, show your love, or even test one's faith.
Not where I wanna go with this. Point is, as fucked as the world is, my world included, no real God would do this. It just simply wouldn't happen. I do not care what some archaic bullshit book says about it.
So it breaks down to this, in one year I have lost:
Health (MS)
Love (girlfriend)
Dog (cancer)
God
What do I have to wake up for? Work a job? Stay alive for family that is no where near me? Bitch and moan on a meaningless blog?
There's nothing. Its all shit, and it will only continue to decompose.
I started slowly dying since the day I was born. Come on with it already.
Started Valium and it does't do shit. Doesn't make me drowsy, pick me up, center me, nothing. It's even supposed to help with spasms, and I continue to have them while on the medication. These are 10mg which I guess is the highest dose. I took two last night with no change in any feeling. Am I that dead inside I cannot feel medication trying to work? Is my brain that fucked it wont allow medications to work?
Well I have been trying my best to take steps in the right direction for myself.
In the last two days, I got in touch with some of my old friends. Friends I grew up with and were close to until my early 20's. At that time we all just kind of drifted apart. Most of it was each of us getting into serious relationships, careers, and whatever else. Really cannot pinpoint why, it just slowly happened. The times we would hang out became less and less until a couple of us simply moved out of the city/state and not saying a word to each other about it. By now all these guys have kids, some are married.
Turns out my two main friends I grew up with already knew about the MS. They found out from my sister. Not sure how I feel about her telling people, I guess it just threw me off when one of the first things they bring up after all these years is that. On one hand it was nice that they cared and brought it up because I wasn't going to, at least for a while. On the other hand, if they gave a shit, why didn't they bother trying to contact me? Again makes me evaluate what kind of friend I was. We were a close knit group growing up for years. We did everything together. I was always there for them, and helped any way I possibly could, and vice versa...
If there was a leader of our group, I would say it was me. I was the oldest (by a few months) and had my head on straight. I always knew where the line was. Just how far we could take things without going to far, or getting caught.
In our teenage years we would go drinking at a dead end in a remote location almost every weekend, but I would always make sure one person was not drinking and could drive us all home. It was a rule I put in place and we always followed it. I was a DD multiple times. If there was a potential issue with a parent, I had a solution for the issue. I could script a perfect manipulation to be used on a parent to get out of nearly all situations with even the strictest parent. None of us ever got busted for drinking, or smoking dope, or whatever shenanigans we had been up to, and we did plenty of shit that would have landed us in jail.
I wish I could step back into that time for a little while. I was healthy and care free, I could do anything.
I handled a full time job, girls, drinking/drugs, friends, all of it, and it was easy, and I wasn't even 18 yet living on my own.
Anyways, took that step to getting in touch with them, we all exchanged email/mailing addresses and phone numbers. Everyone was in agreement that too much time had passed, that we all needed to stay in touch and plan a trip for us all to get together.
I have to admit I had a flash of happiness talking with them. Actually laughed a bit going over some old shit we used to do. My girlfriend observed the same thing since she rarely even sees me crack a smile anymore.
Went to psychologist yesterday. Not much was accomplished in this visit. She was trying to get me to imagine and describe what I would be doing with my life if I did not have MS, but I was drawing a blank. As if to get me to realize I should be able to do the same things. But that is not the case. I moved to the mountains to be more of an outdoors-man, hiking and camping. I cannot physically do that shit anymore.
She tried to explore current goals, yet I have none. All I have known since I was 15 was working a full time job. By 17 I was working in my current career, owned my own home by 19, so goals were met pretty early. I really didn't have defined goals, I just needed to work, and get to the weekend. At that age, I just wanted to chase the muff around and get fucked up, responsibly.
She also went over scenarios where if I was with someone I was actually in love with and she loved me, and how I think that would affect my depression.
It was hard answering any of these questions, I don't know. I seemed to lost my ability to peel layers from a scenario or situation to view it at every angle and have an answer for everything. I feel like I can barely problem solve in my job anymore, which is my job.
Religion came up, and I revealed that I have in fact lost my faith in God. She was surprised and concerned to hear that, considering everything I have lost in the last year, to also lose that is apparently a big deal. It basically is just too much for one person. Even others that may be close to my situation with the endless flow of bullshit, still have some sort of spirituality. Something they depend on. I do not have that. I have no religion or spirituality. Other than this blog, I have nothing I lean on for any support.
There is no meaning to life. I think we are just here, and then we are not. What's left of us is what is recorded by humans in our existence.
The God I did believe in is supposed to be a loving and caring God. I don't want to worship a God that allows life to be like this. This is not my doing. Too much of this is out of my control.
I have lived my life as a good person. I have always treated people with respect, even if I don't respect them or what they do. Am I being punished for swearing? Am I being punished for sex before marriage? How about underage drinking, or taking drugs? And downloading movies or music? If any of these "sins" warrant the type of punishment that I have been given, then fuck you. I do not need you in my life then. That is not how you show your existence, show your love, or even test one's faith.
Not where I wanna go with this. Point is, as fucked as the world is, my world included, no real God would do this. It just simply wouldn't happen. I do not care what some archaic bullshit book says about it.
So it breaks down to this, in one year I have lost:
Health (MS)
Love (girlfriend)
Dog (cancer)
God
What do I have to wake up for? Work a job? Stay alive for family that is no where near me? Bitch and moan on a meaningless blog?
There's nothing. Its all shit, and it will only continue to decompose.
I started slowly dying since the day I was born. Come on with it already.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Here we go...
Well it didn't take long for the bullshit to start in 2012. Water pipes froze and we were left with no water for almost two days. Finally got them thawed out and water flowing again. Just another thing to fuck with me.
I have spent a lot of my life camping in my free time so doing without certain "luxuries" is not a problem, but when you are in your own home, you expect running water.
With my bladder issues, when I have to go, I have to go and it was a bit awkward to keep running outside to take a piss. In the winter you can see the neighbors, the trees are thinned out. In the summer you can walk around in the nude if you please since there is so much wooded area, you forget anyone lives nearby.
I got a little upset today, mostly at myself because a old friend from where I used to live was in my area with his family for a week. They were minutes from me skiing and all that. We exchanged some emails during the week he was here, planning to catch up but it never happened. I called him today and he explained that they headed back a couple days earlier than expected and that he was sorry we didn't get to meet up. The kind of upsetting thing is, he got married while he was here. I have known him for about 15 years. We would hang out or have lunch together at least once a week, we went camping together countless times. He is one of the only friends I have from there that knows about the MS.
The idea that not only did he not have a few minutes for us to hang out, but didn't think to invite me to his wedding made me think of what kind of person I have been, and how people perceive me as their friend.
I know I should consider that a wedding for most can be a very intimate thing where only immediate family (if any) are invited.
I think it was the combination of not getting to visit and the wedding that upset me a little. I think you must sprinkle in a little bit of everything else too. I have no friends here anymore. The one I had here recently moved. So its a complete total of everything that has nothing to do with him that bothered me.
Anyways, I am happy for him. He was divorced a couple years back from a wife that was running around on him while they had two kids. He found a nice lady that also was divorced and had two of her own, so he has a nice house full now.
Also, one of my co-workers that I have known for 15+ years and would spend time with outside work was also in my area this week but we didn't get to meet up. He did call me to let me know he was up here, but we didn't discuss or make any plans to meet.
I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but it all made me wonder why I don't currently have friends, and the ones I had don't make any effort to reach out and spend any time with me.
Next time I return to my old town I will make an effort to contact people and visit them.
I have made two trips to that town since I moved but both were quick weekend trips to visit my ailing grandfather. Both trips combined for 5 days total there and it was all spent with family.
I am going to try and change the friend thing. I need to talk to someone other than a doctor (who I pay), a girlfriend/roommate, or this blog. With winter here it is going to make it a little harder. I am looking forward to summer since baseball is in season and I could always try to meet some people at a game or at a bar watching a game.
Just wanted to note, while I haven't had any pot in a long time other than a joint I got, I did get some hash which is basically a concentrate of marijuana, and that has made me feel pretty good. Takes care of pain, spasms, and helps get me to sleep. Going to be out of it soon. I keep getting told today its going to happen. All of this bullshit trying to acquire the stuff makes me want to move to a decriminalized state asap.
I have spent a lot of my life camping in my free time so doing without certain "luxuries" is not a problem, but when you are in your own home, you expect running water.
With my bladder issues, when I have to go, I have to go and it was a bit awkward to keep running outside to take a piss. In the winter you can see the neighbors, the trees are thinned out. In the summer you can walk around in the nude if you please since there is so much wooded area, you forget anyone lives nearby.
I got a little upset today, mostly at myself because a old friend from where I used to live was in my area with his family for a week. They were minutes from me skiing and all that. We exchanged some emails during the week he was here, planning to catch up but it never happened. I called him today and he explained that they headed back a couple days earlier than expected and that he was sorry we didn't get to meet up. The kind of upsetting thing is, he got married while he was here. I have known him for about 15 years. We would hang out or have lunch together at least once a week, we went camping together countless times. He is one of the only friends I have from there that knows about the MS.
The idea that not only did he not have a few minutes for us to hang out, but didn't think to invite me to his wedding made me think of what kind of person I have been, and how people perceive me as their friend.
I know I should consider that a wedding for most can be a very intimate thing where only immediate family (if any) are invited.
I think it was the combination of not getting to visit and the wedding that upset me a little. I think you must sprinkle in a little bit of everything else too. I have no friends here anymore. The one I had here recently moved. So its a complete total of everything that has nothing to do with him that bothered me.
Anyways, I am happy for him. He was divorced a couple years back from a wife that was running around on him while they had two kids. He found a nice lady that also was divorced and had two of her own, so he has a nice house full now.
Also, one of my co-workers that I have known for 15+ years and would spend time with outside work was also in my area this week but we didn't get to meet up. He did call me to let me know he was up here, but we didn't discuss or make any plans to meet.
I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but it all made me wonder why I don't currently have friends, and the ones I had don't make any effort to reach out and spend any time with me.
Next time I return to my old town I will make an effort to contact people and visit them.
I have made two trips to that town since I moved but both were quick weekend trips to visit my ailing grandfather. Both trips combined for 5 days total there and it was all spent with family.
I am going to try and change the friend thing. I need to talk to someone other than a doctor (who I pay), a girlfriend/roommate, or this blog. With winter here it is going to make it a little harder. I am looking forward to summer since baseball is in season and I could always try to meet some people at a game or at a bar watching a game.
Just wanted to note, while I haven't had any pot in a long time other than a joint I got, I did get some hash which is basically a concentrate of marijuana, and that has made me feel pretty good. Takes care of pain, spasms, and helps get me to sleep. Going to be out of it soon. I keep getting told today its going to happen. All of this bullshit trying to acquire the stuff makes me want to move to a decriminalized state asap.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tired
It always has to be something right?
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
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