Thursday, January 19, 2012

One step and stumble at a time...

The SOPA/PIPA blackout seems to have been a very powerful statement. Multiple supporters and co-sponsors of the bill in Washington have already dropped their support of the bill (14 as of this morning). Still has a long way before being fully dropped but its a step in the right direction...

Started Valium and it does't do shit. Doesn't make me drowsy, pick me up, center me, nothing. It's even supposed to help with spasms, and I continue to have them while on the medication. These are 10mg which I guess is the highest dose. I took two last night with no change in any feeling. Am I that dead inside I cannot feel medication trying to work? Is my brain that fucked it wont allow medications to work?

Well I have been trying my best to take steps in the right direction for myself.
In the last two days, I got in touch with some of my old friends. Friends I grew up with and were close to until my early 20's. At that time we all just kind of drifted apart. Most of it was each of us getting into serious relationships, careers, and whatever else. Really cannot pinpoint why, it just slowly happened. The times we would hang out became less and less until a couple of us simply moved out of the city/state and not saying a word to each other about it. By now all these guys have kids, some are married.

Turns out my two main friends I grew up with already knew about the MS. They found out from my sister. Not sure how I feel about her telling people, I guess it just threw me off when one of the first things they bring up after all these years is that. On one hand it was nice that they cared and brought it up because I wasn't going to, at least for a while. On the other hand, if they gave a shit, why didn't they bother trying to contact me? Again makes me evaluate what kind of friend I was. We were a close knit group growing up for years. We did everything together. I was always there for them, and helped any way I possibly could, and vice versa...
If there was a leader of our group, I would say it was me. I was the oldest (by a few months) and had my head on straight. I always knew where the line was. Just how far we could take things without going to far, or getting caught.
In our teenage years we would go drinking at a dead end in a remote location almost every weekend, but I would always make sure one person was not drinking and could drive us all home. It was a rule I put in place and we always followed it. I was a DD multiple times. If there was a potential issue with a parent, I had a solution for the issue. I could script a perfect manipulation to be used on a parent to get out of nearly all situations with even the strictest parent. None of us ever got busted for drinking, or smoking dope, or whatever shenanigans we had been up to, and we did plenty of shit that would have landed us in jail.
I wish I could step back into that time for a little while. I was healthy and care free, I could do anything.
I handled a full time job, girls, drinking/drugs, friends, all of it, and it was easy, and I wasn't even 18 yet living on my own.

Anyways, took that step to getting in touch with them, we all exchanged email/mailing addresses and phone numbers. Everyone was in agreement that too much time had passed, that we all needed to stay in touch and plan a trip for us all to get together.

I have to admit I had a flash of happiness talking with them. Actually laughed a bit going over some old shit we used to do. My girlfriend observed the same thing since she rarely even sees me crack a smile anymore.

Went to psychologist yesterday. Not much was accomplished in this visit. She was trying to get me to imagine and describe what I would be doing with my life if I did not have MS, but I was drawing a blank. As if to get me to realize I should be able to do the same things. But that is not the case. I moved to the mountains to be more of an outdoors-man, hiking and camping. I cannot physically do that shit anymore.
She tried to explore current goals, yet I have none. All I have known since I was 15 was working a full time job. By 17 I was working in my current career, owned my own home by 19, so goals were met pretty early. I really didn't have defined goals, I just needed to work, and get to the weekend. At that age, I just wanted to chase the muff around and get fucked up, responsibly.
She also went over scenarios where if I was with someone I was actually in love with and she loved me, and how I think that would affect my depression.
It was hard answering any of these questions, I don't know. I seemed to lost my ability to peel layers from a scenario or situation to view it at every angle and have an answer for everything. I feel like I can barely problem solve in my job anymore, which is my job.

Religion came up, and I revealed that I have in fact lost my faith in God. She was surprised and concerned to hear that, considering everything I have lost in the last year, to also lose that is apparently a big deal. It basically is just too much for one person. Even others that may be close to my situation with the endless flow of bullshit, still have some sort of spirituality. Something they depend on. I do not have that. I have no religion or spirituality. Other than this blog, I have nothing I lean on for any support.
There is no meaning to life. I think we are just here, and then we are not. What's left of us is what is recorded by humans in our existence.
The God I did believe in is supposed to be a loving and caring God. I don't want to worship a God that allows life to be like this. This is not my doing. Too much of this is out of my control.
I have lived my life as a good person. I have always treated people with respect, even if I don't respect them or what they do. Am I being punished for swearing? Am I being punished for sex before marriage? How about underage drinking, or taking drugs? And downloading movies or music? If any of these "sins" warrant the type of punishment that I have been given, then fuck you. I do not need you in my life then. That is not how you show your existence, show your love, or even test one's faith.
Not where I wanna go with this. Point is, as fucked as the world is, my world included, no real God would do this. It just simply wouldn't happen. I do not care what some archaic bullshit book says about it.

So it breaks down to this, in one year I have lost:
Health (MS)
Love (girlfriend)
Dog (cancer)

What do I have to wake up for? Work a job? Stay alive for family that is no where near me? Bitch and moan on a meaningless blog?
There's nothing. Its all shit, and it will only continue to decompose.

I started slowly dying since the day I was born. Come on with it already.


  1. I am thinking of you. Hope I`ll be able to write you an e-mail before I go away for the weekend. My heart is crying for you. But still am glad you take some steps in the right direction. Keep doing that!

  2. Were you able to tell your old friends the reality of how you are? Or did you give the 'fine' response? Any future plans to see them again? It's not uncommon to lose faith when the chips are down. I agree with the shrink, the fact you're not in
    A stable loving relationship isn't helping. If you were, things would almost definitely be better. I understand it's you that's built the wall around you because of what happened. How about your Dad. When can you next hang out with him? Can u speak openly to him?

    1. It was mixed on what my friends were told. One friend kept asking questions, and I answered them honestly but I didn't volunteer all information. I didn't tell any of them about the depression.

      I will get to hang out with my dad next month I think. I do not speak openly with him, well I do regarding everything but the MS. Again I don't want my family to worry about me.

  3. Drugs don't work for me either**

  4. I also thought about that. Can you meet you dad soon? Even if you don`t speak about everything to him I believe it would do you good to spend time with him. And what about your sister? Could you meet her?
    What if you moved away from the town which you don`t like and where you don`t have any friends, away from the girlfriend which you don`t love anymore? I know you have been thinking about it, at least mentioned it. What about moving home?
    And...can you get some cannabis? At least you know it will work.

    1. Plans are for my dad and my sister to come visit. They each live in a different state. She is flying up to see me, and he is going to try and visit at the same time since they haven't seen each other in almost a year now.

      I will move at some point but it wont be anytime soon. I am probably looking at summer of 2013 before I can even afford to move.
      I would never, ever move back to my old town...ever. Even though I grew up there. I hated living there. Its a rich beach town, nothing but bigger dickheads than I live around now. Just the biggest snobs I have ever met.
      Aside from that, the climate is awful. Summer lasts 11 months there a year. I cannot handle that heat again.

      I am supposed to get some cannabis today or tomorrow, first time in about 3 weeks. I have less than .5 grams left of hash, and I have been using it very sparingly.
      Next month I will have a couple ounces of cannabis and hopefully a 4 or 5 grams of hash (3 grams has lasted me a month) that should set me up with medication for 2 months or so.

  5. That's good they're coming to visit and I get you don't want to burden them with the truth.,

    Fingers crossed you get what you need to relieve the pain and help you sleep xx