I was kind of called out for my cancer comment. I am fully aware of what I have said and why. I have had losses in my family and around me to cancer. Its a bullshit way of going or even something to fight. As I told this person, to hold up the integrity of this blog and continue writing what is written in its raw and honest form, I must disclose the thoughts I have here, regardless of how morbid or insensitive they may be.
This person didn't seem overly offended. But if people are offended with what is written here, please check the Blog List to the left (and Johnny on the right).
As it stands right now, in January 2012, I would rather not be alive than live my life with MS. It just is the way it is for me. Cancer is a form of escape that would let me out of this life without taking it myself. It would almost be a fitting end to this shitty life thus far.
As it is thought, it is written. (but not always published)
I have made some changes to the layout and will give them a few days to see if I like them. Main change is a new section on the left side that holds current symptoms and current medications. Might be helpful to someone.
Woke up with right hand numb. I have had numbness come and go in my left hand for a year now. The right hand is something new. Seems more numb in the index and middle finger than the rest. On my left hand it was usually from the middle finger down to the pinky/little/fourth whatever you call it finger. This all makes typing more of a hassle. I type all day long for my job. I have tried dictation applications but my mind runs faster than I can talk and it just doesn't fit my style of thinking/talking/whatever.
Bama shut down LSU last night 21-0. I couldn't have been happier. There was more excitement in me last night than I have felt in a long time.
It is hard to accept that you feel the way you do. But now that you do, you must be allowed to express it. And maybe it is important that you write about it. Because people should know that patients must be treated better, cannabis should be legalized etc. And maybe it is good for you to write it the way it is, although it is hard to read and accept. As far as I know you, you are a very good person with a lot of misfortune. Too much. But I also believe that will change! I hope you have called the doctor by now!
ReplyDeleteK
I understand that it may be a little hard to read. You have been reading this since the beginning and by your comments and emails, there is no doubt that you care for me, even though I am basically a stranger in another country, I cannot ignore that I have a true friend in you. So when I say certain things and they weigh heavy on you, I have to apologize for that. I could let it get to me and not post certain things because I am aware of how others feel about it, strangers or not. But I will continue on as I do. I owe myself that much, to not hide anything just to spare your feelings. Defeats the purpose of this blog.
DeleteI will continue to write as I do, and you continue to comment as you do. I think we have found a mutual medium in this.
I have not called my PCP. I had almost no blood in my shit today...so I will just keep an eye on it.
I will see my psychologist on Thursday. I will be going through the last few weeks posts and making some notes for our appointment.
I appreciate your honesty. You are probably not the only one feeling that way.
ReplyDeleteJudy
Judy, thanks for the comment. I can tell you now, I am not the only one with these issues.
DeleteI get emails sent to me with people stating the fact.
There is some satisfaction knowing that people are finding some answers here. Obviously I hate that people are also dealing with MS and depression, but if they find some answer somewhere here, then my time has been well spent.
But answers are hard to find here, at least for me. I haven't found many for myself but I will certainly publish them as they come.
I want to say I enjoy your poems. I am not a big poetry guy, but I am able to read yours with ease and understand them. Thank you.
You should not apologize for anything. You are my true friend because of your honesty!
ReplyDeleteK
Don't apologise for saying how you feel. While I possibly face a cancer diagnosis, and have a sibling who is fighting it, have lost lOts of family members too. This blog is about you though.. Not me. I'm quite sure you are the voice of many, and you're providing your very own service by being blunt, like others wouldn't. You speak from the heart. What more can anyone ask?
ReplyDeleteNice to hear from ya Jax. Seems like a while.
DeleteSorry to hear about your possible diagnosis. Unless I missed it, I had not read yet.
Take care.
Hello xx I've still been around and trying to comment at least, unless they get lost in cyber space or posting as Anonymous. Bloody iPhone!
ReplyDeleteI noticed some ppl must be able to email you.. Do you have a contact on your blog? I mostly check from the phone so it's harder to look around and check out your new layout. I'll go on the laptop later then mail you. I'm a bit worried with privacy issues lately - hence me being quiet on my blog.
There is a "Email me" section under the poll on the right. email address is anonymsblog@gmail.com
DeleteIt will be posted until there is ever a problem with spam.
I can understand and respect privacy concerns so don't feel any pressure to leave comments. I know your reading.
thanks.
Okay thanks. Just some stuff I'd rather say on private. Will do so after I've been to bed when I get the kids off to school xx
ReplyDelete