Monday, January 16, 2012

Trying to avoid "F--- It Mode"

This blog has to be really fucking annoying to read right now. I read my last couple posts and I am annoyed with what I read. Just some prick bitching and moaning. Fucking get over it and get your shit together right?

I am trying really hard to avoid going into Fuck It Mode... I have already dropped three medications without consulting with a doctor yet. I am just tired of taking so many medications and not feeling any better. I could justify any one of the medications if they actually helped with anything.

Regardless of how hard I try to keep my mind straight and be more patient, I am still finding myself in states of self destruct. I am putting myself in situations where I know I am pushing myself and I don't care.
In the last week I have physically pushed myself to the point of not being able to move either my legs, arms, or both. I have stood in the shower with water as hot as I can bear until I can barely stand up and I am left with numbness and tingling as a result. I am not eating or drinking properly. Last few meals have been plain chicken meat on bread with nothing else, and I am not drinking 6+ glasses of water like I normally do. I am down to less than one glass to take Gilenya. I know I am dehydrating myself. I just don't give a fuck right now.
These are just a few examples to go along with dropping medication without consulting first.

I just simply do not feel like taking care of myself right now. I have to force myself out of bed to get to work by telling myself "You have to get up and work you fucking piece of shit. GET THE FUCK UP!!!"

Again, I am writing senseless bullshit. I know better than to carry myself this way but I do it anyways.
If it weren't for this blog I would keep all of this to myself and give you a bullshit smile and say it's a great day.
The last bit of sense I do have tells me to write this shit down. To document how I currently feel and what I am doing to myself. I cannot be the only one.

PCP's nurse called today, they are going to put me on Valium. I will update my medications list today or tomorrow to remove the old bullshit and put new bullshit up.


  1. No you are not alone, I also used to push myself so hard and far that nothing worked for a long time. Until I realized I was fighting and only hurting myself and letting m.s. be in control not me. My wake up call came to around that time. That when I asked myself who was in control of me? The answer wasn't me!

    You will find what works for you, in time we each do. I have learned over time, everyone is different what works for one may not work for anyone else. Good luck

    1. As bad as MS makes me feel, I think it is only part of my problem(s). While the MS may be causing an actual chemical/electrical problem with my mind, there is more wrong with me than just MS. Whatever part MS plays in my current fucked up state, I am trying to keep it under control. As hopeless as it seems around here sometimes, I am trying.

      Thanks for reading and the comment.

  2. I really, really care about you!! Please force yourself to mobilize all kind of energy so that you treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love!

    1. I almost feel like I have forgotten how to love already. The feeling is very distant anymore.
      I never had any love (or even like) for myself in the first place.

    2. I have read everything you have written in this blog, and I don`t believe you have forgotten how to love. It is just the way you feel right now. I know so many of you inner thoughts and feelings and other things about you, and I don`t see any reason why you shouldn`t like yourself. But if you don`t then maybe you can try to pretend that you do? Force yourself to treat yourself good. Do things you like. Spend time by the fire etc. I play this game every day, try to observe negative thinking about myself, accept that it is just thoughts and try to find an alternative response/thought.

      I really feel you should get some more help. And specially now that you quit taking all those medications. Did you tell this PCP nurse about it? I don`t know what PCP is, but I really think you need something more than just be given a Valium.
      What does your psychologist say? Do you tell her how bad things really are?

      I am thinking a lot about you, my friend. And I choose my friends carefully.

    3. I also try to find the alternative thought but I am drawing blanks right now. Its all so dark and I just feel lost.

      PCP is Primary Care Physician

      I did tell the PCP nurse that I stopped the three medications so the doctor would be aware and they can update my info.

      I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow, I will tell her about dropping the meds then. She will probably give me shit over it.
      I have confided in her on all of my thoughts and how bad I think things are right now. That is when she pushed for me to get a dog and/or seek some outdoor activities.

    4. I am glad you have her to push you a bit! I do understand things are difficult, so difficult that you must not handle all this on your own. I hope Valium will do you some good. Good luck. One day and one step at the time.

  3. Your voice and willingness to share what your feeling and how your working through what's happening to you. Shows how strong you are. You may not see it that way, I hope one day you will.

  4. You can see we all care for you and just remember that although at times you may feel like giving up - we won't give up on you. This isn't forever. It's only right now. Just try to let people in to help X