Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2011 Recap

I had written a long recount of how my life changed new years day last year, writing it was painful, and I felt like I was taking a step backwards from moving into a new year so I cleared every word.
I will instead just run down quickly how 2011 went down as the worst year I have survived.

-New Years Day 2011. Girlfriend is "out having drinks with the girls". Accidentally calls my phone to reveal she is alone with a guy. In the following days I obtain information that she is having an affair.
-Quickly double vision affects me. After a month of waiting it out, I see an Ophthalmologist. MRI are ordered. (Optic Neuritis lasted approx 5 months)
-Received call from Ophthalmologist and was informed I have MS, over the phone.
-Within a month, met with a neurologist who prescribed Rebif.
-Started treatment on Rebif. Immediately encountered side affects and site reactions.
-After 3+ months of Rebif and two exacerbation's, made the decision to remove myself from the medication.
-Neurologist agreed with my request to switch to Gilenya. Did all pretests and deemed an acceptable patient for Gilenya. Felt immediate relief from switch of medications. Although constipation arrived as a possible withdrawal issue from Rebif.
-In July the fighting with the girlfriend was at a boiling point. She moved to her parents in another state for about a month. Even after I told her I needed more time, she arrived back on her own. But as a lonely piece of shit, I did not refuse delivery.
-In November I lost my dog to cancer. It was a sudden and very hurtful lost. She was truly a special thing in my life.
-Shock of her death caused two major anxiety/panic attacks. Suffered complete lock up, could not move hands/arms/legs and could not talk. Each lasted about 45+ minutes. First wore off in ER and walked out, and the second at home.
-Trivial but, my car could not pass the state vehicle inspection due to the tint (which is legal in the state it came from). Had to remove nice tint. Less than two weeks later the car is hit in a parking lot. No note left, just a fuck you dent.
-Insomnia that lasted about three weeks due to Wellbutrin. Took a while to figure out the link between the two, and then get the sleep back after quitting.
-One more exacerbation to let me make sure I never forget 2011. It kicked me in the balls and stood on my back for over a week. The pain made its way to my legs causing alot of difficulty walking. Bowel and bladder issues got bad. I started Predisone steroids and gradually got better.
-And just to be annoyed, leading into the new year four people said they could acquire some cannabis for me to medicate, and it all fell through. I am left with pills and more pills to get right.

All I can do is try and make 2012 a better year, but I don't know what to do. I didn't bring 2011 on myself. There was plenty bullshit that happened that was simply out of my control.

I have many voids in my life right now I need to fill somehow. The love I had for my girlfriend died long ago and I poured even more love in to my dog who returned it unconditionally. But with her passing I am left with all of this love to give and I don't think She deserves it.
There is no "I love you", no hugging or kissing. We are roommates that sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex.
The dog was the last bit of glue that held us together, now that she is gone, I am left asking why do we bother trying to work it out together. There is so much resentment and the bad times have overshadowed the good times.

I found myself standing out in the snow tonight wishing I could jump ahead 30 years or what ever it takes just so I could out live my parents and grandparents. Just long enough that they don't have to see me go.
I care to see them around more than I do myself.


  1. You have survived the worst. It is not going to happen again. 2011 is not going to happen again. I know you still carry many of your problems with you into 2012, but things will be better. I am sure. You say you don`t know what to do to make 2012 a better year. But I believe answers will come your way. It seems to me like you already know one thing which should change. Changes may be difficult and they hurt, but you grow and you feel better afterwards. At least after some time. When you know you have tried to do what is right for you.
    Take care of yourself. You deserve that so very much. Keep writing. Maybe it is a good way of letting bad things just go. But also because you matter to the people who read your blog. You matter to me.

  2. There is nothing fair about this illness, but then life itself is often not fair, a point which 2011 made quite clear for you. I just know that somewhere, maybe so deep inside you can’t see it now, you have a strength and resilience to see you through. Coincidentally, I had just reread one of my blog entries of over a year ago, and it occurs to me that you might find something in it. I blog in poetry about MS so it is in the form of a poem.

    Courage and Determination

    Many of us have
    an indomitable will
    to engage with life.

    Resolute, steely
    even if mired in despair.
    Never giving up.

    Crawl if you have to.
    That may be the firm motto
    of some I meet here.