Monday, January 23, 2012

Living life in reverse

I have been trying to get my shit together, but something always comes up, fucks me and puts me back in my place. I feel like this malaise is my place.

First medication, Valium (10mg) continues to do nothing. I took two blood pressure tests before the Valium and three at different times after taking it, and there was no change. Not that there should/shouldn't be, I am not a doctor and was looking for some number changes if there were any.
I took two Valium and two Zanaflex and did not get drowsy at all. What is wrong with me?
I have a doctor appointment next week so we can try and work this out.

In the last few days I have reached out to old friends, I got on Skype for the first time, and made all of my immediate family get on it. We all have web camera's so I figure why not. Its two thousand and fucking twelve.
So I had multiple Skype chats with various family members. At one time I got to chat with my dad that was at another family members house so I got to see and talk to various family members that I haven't seen years.
It was nice and I enjoyed it, although there was endless questions about how I am doing, and I followed those with endless lies.

Today I went to (a) church for the first time in nearly 15 years. This wasn't your typical church. It is a church that centers around creationism, and they celebrate life more than idolizing a god. While there is mention of god, and the holy spirit, it is not the focal point. I did not see a crucifix hanging anywhere. There is a large wood carved globe hanging as the center piece. They seem to celebrate and observe all religions. They do a Buddhist prayer, and there is prayer to the west. There is a few instances of hand holding and hugging.
They do some speaking, then songs, and speaking, and so on. There is about a 10 minute meditation.

First impression, I thought I was in the right place, walked in to the band playing Doobie Brothers - Listen To The Music. They also played Bob Marley - One Love while blessing the offering.

I am mixed on how I felt during and after the service. I will however give it at least one more try.

A gentlemen that spoke who played in the band and had written book said his mentor had told him: “If you’re not failing regularly, you’re living so far below your potential that you’re failing anyway.”
I know you should take something different from that, but I see it as I have peaked and my potential has glaring limitations. Ones that I have quickly learned of and have yet to accept.

Warning: Pissed off sex rant
My girlfriend I had it out today over sex. She doesn't feel like she should have to make any changes on her end to accommodate my problems having sex anymore. She feels that I should be content with the occasional blowjob (which I do appreciate), but for actual sex, I am expected to just hop on her, make her cum and leave her alone, if I didn't get mine, better luck next time. I love getting my dick sucked just as much as the next (normal) guy, but I also enjoy sex. I can enjoy it if it is done right. Since she is easy to please in the area, I am left to despise myself and the situation. It leads to no sex drive and extremely low self confidence.
When I tried to bring this up, I was yelled at that people in our age or married couples rarely/never have sex. (which I know is not entirely true).
What kind of fucking explanation is that? That fired me up and shot back with the fact that she was a horny enough slut to fuck me and some loser at the same time less than 12 months ago.
We went at it more, and I eventually just told her to not worry about us fucking or anything again. I don't care if I don't get my dick wet for another year.
She can go back to hoping on any dick that gives her attention for all I fucking care.

I also told her we are not going anywhere together in our relationship, and we are basically wasting our time.
She blames this on depression, but I told her the thought couldn't come from a more clear state in my mind.

In the past she told me she cheated because she was not in love with me, did not like me or cared for me.
I am not any different then, than I am now except I have MS and I am a bitter person now.
So if she thinks she loves me now, what the fuck is she in love with? Is she some sick fuck that digs diseases? Or does she prefer that I am an asshole and stare at her with "you lying bitch" eyes all the time?

I am tired of her, and I feel like she is tired of me. I know I am...

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"


  1. Woah! Jeez the relationship part is not good! That's dragging you down man. Totally. I know it's hard to let go of something that was once good but you have to ask yourself.. Is it making you happy? Do you look forward to seeing her at the end of the day? Does she still give you the butterflies in your tummy? If not.. It's not going to work. For the record me and my man have been together since 16, had 3 babies, one very young so that made life tough.. We still have a very active sex life, some changes have had to be made since I got ill but we adapt. So don't believe that BS she's been spouting. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve to be loved and understood and have someone by your side while things are so tough.

    I'll be interested to see how you get on at the church next time. It sounds pretty cool. Did you end up getting any Mary Jane to help you?

  2. Oh and great about the Skype. I wish you could pick just one person out of real life to talk to honestly. Ideally that would be your partner but I know how that is. It's okay you telling everyone here but I, probably everyone reading, feel useless that we can't help. If I was in your life I'd be there for you, sitting at the end of a screen feels pretty rubbish, I just wish there was one friend you could reach out to. I know it feels to you that you're protecting people from the truth. I think everyone with illness does it to a certain extent, That's my hope for you for the future, that you find someone special to share your feelings with. Not the psychologist, no harm to her, but she can't just pop round at night to share a coffee, help you find what you need. I know it would be really hard to end your relationship through fear of how you would cope on your own, but I feel that's dragging you down do much. You don't need it on top of everything else.

  3. I am glad you are making some good changes in your life. Talking to old friends again, going to church. I hop you keep doing such things! And you know you deserve to be treated better than how your girlfriend is treating you! Very much better.
    Thinking of you!

  4. I am just thinking......that I wish my friend with MS to tell me everything about it. How they feel etc. But if they don`t, could that be because they are trying to protect themselves from it all. Because they don`t need to protect me (I understand your situation and not telling you familliy. But with friends, isn`t that different?). Is it because they believe things will be worse if they talk about it?

    I am really curios about this, because most people with a problematic life and illness etc, they tend to talk a lot about it, even too much. But not people with MS. Why?
    I can´t really have a proper conversation with someone who tells me EVERYTHING is all right. They are doing just fine. No one are doing just fine.
    Should I then say something about it? When I ask it is because I really want to know. Of course you don`t tell everything to everyone. But how can I talk about my life and my small problems when I know theirs are bigger and they don`t talk about it?

    This was maybe not a comment to what you wrote in your post, just some things which I am thinking of,and don`t understand...
    Thanks for writing you life!!