Friday, January 27, 2012

Trying to find my missing peace/piece.

I have had some things to say this week but I have just tried staying off the computer while I am not working and spend more time outside. It has gotten oddly warm for this time of the year. Fucking bees are out and shit in late January which is unusual for this state and time of year.

Went to my PCP this week so we could discuss my issues with medications. I stopped taking the Valium after a week. I felt no effects from it. I was taking 10mg which is the highest dose. I took two and still felt nothing. Saturday afternoon I took two Valium and two Zanaflex and did not get the least bit drowsy. No feeling up or down, just my typical "fuck this life" feeling.
The visit was basically a waste of time and money. He recommended since Benzo meds are doing nothing that I go back to SSRI's (anti-depressants). I told him I was not interested. We discussed my cannabis use.
I will be sticking to Gilenya and Cannabis as long as I can. I cannot always get pot, but when I run out this time, I will start back up on Marinol. Its been almost 3 months since I have taken it, any tolerance I developed should have passed and I may get a couple months use out of it again.

Relationship with girlfriend is at its usual standstill. We rarely talk. I have decided that if things don't change by late spring or summer, she will be asked to leave. Most people would have done it already, but we are talking about a 11 year relationship, that until last year I would have done anything for that girl. I would have killed or be killed. Its hard to throw that away, even though she turned me into the garbage.

I had a couple moments of clarity last night. It was about 60 degrees (F) outside, wind gusts were hitting in the 30's (MPH). So it was nice out, cool and windy. I stood outside with my buzz and let the wind whip around me. For moments, and I don't know how long they lasted, seconds, minutes, or what, but I had moments of no pain. Nothing concerned me. I felt peace if only for minutes while the wind wreaked havoc on the forest around me.
Later in the evening I went out again to smoke, and it was lightly raining, a little more than a misting rain, it felt nice. While my girlfriend hid in the shelter from part of the house to prevent getting wet, I stood in it looking for my peace again.
I couldn't quite find it because she was nagging me to get out of the rain. After the third or fourth time she told me to get out of the rain, I turned and snapped that "I want to feel something different than what I feel right now". She shut up and didn't say another word.

I have orientation tomorrow for the volunteering at the dog shelter. Looking forward to it. I don't look forward to much these days.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"


  1. I've been checking everyday to see if you've written anything...was worried about you.
    I heard a twinge of happiness in your post...maybe I'm just hoping for the best for you.
    Take care,

    1. That twinge may be just me getting an idea of what is next. The uncertainty of this MS is I don't know what tomorrow has in store for me. That uncertainty crawls under my skin and has driven me mad at times.

      But right now I know what is certain; I know that I will not be taking any more bullshit synthetic drugs (besides Gilenya), I know that if things don't improve with my girlfriend soon, she will be gone, and I know that tomorrow I begin a new step in attempting to get my shit together by volunteering at the animal shelter.