The SOPA/PIPA blackout seems to have been a very powerful statement. Multiple supporters and co-sponsors of the bill in Washington have already dropped their support of the bill (14 as of this morning). Still has a long way before being fully dropped but its a step in the right direction...
Started Valium and it does't do shit. Doesn't make me drowsy, pick me up, center me, nothing. It's even supposed to help with spasms, and I continue to have them while on the medication. These are 10mg which I guess is the highest dose. I took two last night with no change in any feeling. Am I that dead inside I cannot feel medication trying to work? Is my brain that fucked it wont allow medications to work?
Well I have been trying my best to take steps in the right direction for myself.
In the last two days, I got in touch with some of my old friends. Friends I grew up with and were close to until my early 20's. At that time we all just kind of drifted apart. Most of it was each of us getting into serious relationships, careers, and whatever else. Really cannot pinpoint why, it just slowly happened. The times we would hang out became less and less until a couple of us simply moved out of the city/state and not saying a word to each other about it. By now all these guys have kids, some are married.
Turns out my two main friends I grew up with already knew about the MS. They found out from my sister. Not sure how I feel about her telling people, I guess it just threw me off when one of the first things they bring up after all these years is that. On one hand it was nice that they cared and brought it up because I wasn't going to, at least for a while. On the other hand, if they gave a shit, why didn't they bother trying to contact me? Again makes me evaluate what kind of friend I was. We were a close knit group growing up for years. We did everything together. I was always there for them, and helped any way I possibly could, and vice versa...
If there was a leader of our group, I would say it was me. I was the oldest (by a few months) and had my head on straight. I always knew where the line was. Just how far we could take things without going to far, or getting caught.
In our teenage years we would go drinking at a dead end in a remote location almost every weekend, but I would always make sure one person was not drinking and could drive us all home. It was a rule I put in place and we always followed it. I was a DD multiple times. If there was a potential issue with a parent, I had a solution for the issue. I could script a perfect manipulation to be used on a parent to get out of nearly all situations with even the strictest parent. None of us ever got busted for drinking, or smoking dope, or whatever shenanigans we had been up to, and we did plenty of shit that would have landed us in jail.
I wish I could step back into that time for a little while. I was healthy and care free, I could do anything.
I handled a full time job, girls, drinking/drugs, friends, all of it, and it was easy, and I wasn't even 18 yet living on my own.
Anyways, took that step to getting in touch with them, we all exchanged email/mailing addresses and phone numbers. Everyone was in agreement that too much time had passed, that we all needed to stay in touch and plan a trip for us all to get together.
I have to admit I had a flash of happiness talking with them. Actually laughed a bit going over some old shit we used to do. My girlfriend observed the same thing since she rarely even sees me crack a smile anymore.
Went to psychologist yesterday. Not much was accomplished in this visit. She was trying to get me to imagine and describe what I would be doing with my life if I did not have MS, but I was drawing a blank. As if to get me to realize I should be able to do the same things. But that is not the case. I moved to the mountains to be more of an outdoors-man, hiking and camping. I cannot physically do that shit anymore.
She tried to explore current goals, yet I have none. All I have known since I was 15 was working a full time job. By 17 I was working in my current career, owned my own home by 19, so goals were met pretty early. I really didn't have defined goals, I just needed to work, and get to the weekend. At that age, I just wanted to chase the muff around and get fucked up, responsibly.
She also went over scenarios where if I was with someone I was actually in love with and she loved me, and how I think that would affect my depression.
It was hard answering any of these questions, I don't know. I seemed to lost my ability to peel layers from a scenario or situation to view it at every angle and have an answer for everything. I feel like I can barely problem solve in my job anymore, which is my job.
Religion came up, and I revealed that I have in fact lost my faith in God. She was surprised and concerned to hear that, considering everything I have lost in the last year, to also lose that is apparently a big deal. It basically is just too much for one person. Even others that may be close to my situation with the endless flow of bullshit, still have some sort of spirituality. Something they depend on. I do not have that. I have no religion or spirituality. Other than this blog, I have nothing I lean on for any support.
There is no meaning to life. I think we are just here, and then we are not. What's left of us is what is recorded by humans in our existence.
The God I did believe in is supposed to be a loving and caring God. I don't want to worship a God that allows life to be like this. This is not my doing. Too much of this is out of my control.
I have lived my life as a good person. I have always treated people with respect, even if I don't respect them or what they do. Am I being punished for swearing? Am I being punished for sex before marriage? How about underage drinking, or taking drugs? And downloading movies or music? If any of these "sins" warrant the type of punishment that I have been given, then fuck you. I do not need you in my life then. That is not how you show your existence, show your love, or even test one's faith.
Not where I wanna go with this. Point is, as fucked as the world is, my world included, no real God would do this. It just simply wouldn't happen. I do not care what some archaic bullshit book says about it.
So it breaks down to this, in one year I have lost:
Health (MS)
Love (girlfriend)
Dog (cancer)
God
What do I have to wake up for? Work a job? Stay alive for family that is no where near me? Bitch and moan on a meaningless blog?
There's nothing. Its all shit, and it will only continue to decompose.
I started slowly dying since the day I was born. Come on with it already.
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Trying to avoid "F--- It Mode"
This blog has to be really fucking annoying to read right now. I read my last couple posts and I am annoyed with what I read. Just some prick bitching and moaning. Fucking get over it and get your shit together right?
I am trying really hard to avoid going into Fuck It Mode... I have already dropped three medications without consulting with a doctor yet. I am just tired of taking so many medications and not feeling any better. I could justify any one of the medications if they actually helped with anything.
Regardless of how hard I try to keep my mind straight and be more patient, I am still finding myself in states of self destruct. I am putting myself in situations where I know I am pushing myself and I don't care.
In the last week I have physically pushed myself to the point of not being able to move either my legs, arms, or both. I have stood in the shower with water as hot as I can bear until I can barely stand up and I am left with numbness and tingling as a result. I am not eating or drinking properly. Last few meals have been plain chicken meat on bread with nothing else, and I am not drinking 6+ glasses of water like I normally do. I am down to less than one glass to take Gilenya. I know I am dehydrating myself. I just don't give a fuck right now.
These are just a few examples to go along with dropping medication without consulting first.
I just simply do not feel like taking care of myself right now. I have to force myself out of bed to get to work by telling myself "You have to get up and work you fucking piece of shit. GET THE FUCK UP!!!"
Again, I am writing senseless bullshit. I know better than to carry myself this way but I do it anyways.
If it weren't for this blog I would keep all of this to myself and give you a bullshit smile and say it's a great day.
The last bit of sense I do have tells me to write this shit down. To document how I currently feel and what I am doing to myself. I cannot be the only one.
PCP's nurse called today, they are going to put me on Valium. I will update my medications list today or tomorrow to remove the old bullshit and put new bullshit up.
I am trying really hard to avoid going into Fuck It Mode... I have already dropped three medications without consulting with a doctor yet. I am just tired of taking so many medications and not feeling any better. I could justify any one of the medications if they actually helped with anything.
Regardless of how hard I try to keep my mind straight and be more patient, I am still finding myself in states of self destruct. I am putting myself in situations where I know I am pushing myself and I don't care.
In the last week I have physically pushed myself to the point of not being able to move either my legs, arms, or both. I have stood in the shower with water as hot as I can bear until I can barely stand up and I am left with numbness and tingling as a result. I am not eating or drinking properly. Last few meals have been plain chicken meat on bread with nothing else, and I am not drinking 6+ glasses of water like I normally do. I am down to less than one glass to take Gilenya. I know I am dehydrating myself. I just don't give a fuck right now.
These are just a few examples to go along with dropping medication without consulting first.
I just simply do not feel like taking care of myself right now. I have to force myself out of bed to get to work by telling myself "You have to get up and work you fucking piece of shit. GET THE FUCK UP!!!"
Again, I am writing senseless bullshit. I know better than to carry myself this way but I do it anyways.
If it weren't for this blog I would keep all of this to myself and give you a bullshit smile and say it's a great day.
The last bit of sense I do have tells me to write this shit down. To document how I currently feel and what I am doing to myself. I cannot be the only one.
PCP's nurse called today, they are going to put me on Valium. I will update my medications list today or tomorrow to remove the old bullshit and put new bullshit up.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Too Honest?
I hit a nerve with some when I made a comment that I would be ok with getting cancer to put an end to this life.
I have actually had the thought for a while, but kept it to myself. Mainly due to it being a shitty thing to say out loud, and I wanted to tell my psychologist, but her husband has/had cancer and what a fucked up thing to say to her. She is a therapist, and should have tough skin, but I am more considerate than that. And it is something I will keep to myself since her husband went into hospice a month ago. I asked how he was doing in an email a week ago and did not get a response to that question. He may have passed since our last visit.
Anyways, it is a very insensitive comment to make these days. Almost everyone either has someone in their immediate family or knows someone that has had a battle with cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family. So I am fully aware of how it would upset someone to read that.
The point of the comment is this: My life quality is poor. I don't see my life getting any better, any time soon. I have been toughing this thing out for the last few years. Toughing it out before I was diagnosed and only thought something weird was wrong with me. I have been in and out of a wheel chair for a year now.
I have lost the two loves of my life in a years time in addition to the knowledge that as long as air is in my lungs, I have a fucked up disease that will always be there.
Add in a job that I am burnt out on, and mounting financial issues that will eventually lead to bankruptcy. I have lost my faith in God, or the existence of anything.
I am left with a life I do not care for. There is only so much I can do to change this life. There are way too many variables that are uncontrollable that lend to my distaste for my life. And this is only the beginning. I am young and have a long way before I get to naturally pass...
It doesn't get any better when I disclose what does get me up every day and continue on... I feel like my only purpose and goal in life right now, is to out live my parents. For some reason I feel like I owe it to them to out live them. A mother or father should NEVER have to bury their own child. For that same reason I will not take my own life. I care about them too much to put them through that. While they could maybe understand my reason for suicide in very small part because of the disease, its not a good enough reason in my eyes. I just simply could not put my family through that. There have been suicides in my family and the toll they take are enormous.
That said, I am hopeful, and I actually expect my outlook on life to change well before that time comes. I am self aware of what my head is doing and what this disease does not only to the body but the mind. So I know I am not crazy or going off the deep end. I am aware enough about these thoughts to document them.
Some might think these are red flags or warning signs for something, I really don't think that is the case, for me atleast.
I am aware enough to know what I am doing, when I do it. Suicide simply is not an option.
To those that may have been offended. I sincerely do apologize. This is really the only topic that could offend and I would follow up with an apology and only because I know how it would burn to read about someone wanting to die of something so terrible. There is another blogger with MS that is very young and I hate hearing that person talk about wanting to die, so I get it. I know that feeling of reading something and thinking "come on! your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!"
To keep this blog real and keep it honest, I have stuck to my personal promise to post my feelings and problems, and not to be afraid of any embarrassment, negativity, or whatever.
I have actually had the thought for a while, but kept it to myself. Mainly due to it being a shitty thing to say out loud, and I wanted to tell my psychologist, but her husband has/had cancer and what a fucked up thing to say to her. She is a therapist, and should have tough skin, but I am more considerate than that. And it is something I will keep to myself since her husband went into hospice a month ago. I asked how he was doing in an email a week ago and did not get a response to that question. He may have passed since our last visit.
Anyways, it is a very insensitive comment to make these days. Almost everyone either has someone in their immediate family or knows someone that has had a battle with cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family. So I am fully aware of how it would upset someone to read that.
The point of the comment is this: My life quality is poor. I don't see my life getting any better, any time soon. I have been toughing this thing out for the last few years. Toughing it out before I was diagnosed and only thought something weird was wrong with me. I have been in and out of a wheel chair for a year now.
I have lost the two loves of my life in a years time in addition to the knowledge that as long as air is in my lungs, I have a fucked up disease that will always be there.
Add in a job that I am burnt out on, and mounting financial issues that will eventually lead to bankruptcy. I have lost my faith in God, or the existence of anything.
I am left with a life I do not care for. There is only so much I can do to change this life. There are way too many variables that are uncontrollable that lend to my distaste for my life. And this is only the beginning. I am young and have a long way before I get to naturally pass...
It doesn't get any better when I disclose what does get me up every day and continue on... I feel like my only purpose and goal in life right now, is to out live my parents. For some reason I feel like I owe it to them to out live them. A mother or father should NEVER have to bury their own child. For that same reason I will not take my own life. I care about them too much to put them through that. While they could maybe understand my reason for suicide in very small part because of the disease, its not a good enough reason in my eyes. I just simply could not put my family through that. There have been suicides in my family and the toll they take are enormous.
That said, I am hopeful, and I actually expect my outlook on life to change well before that time comes. I am self aware of what my head is doing and what this disease does not only to the body but the mind. So I know I am not crazy or going off the deep end. I am aware enough about these thoughts to document them.
Some might think these are red flags or warning signs for something, I really don't think that is the case, for me atleast.
I am aware enough to know what I am doing, when I do it. Suicide simply is not an option.
To those that may have been offended. I sincerely do apologize. This is really the only topic that could offend and I would follow up with an apology and only because I know how it would burn to read about someone wanting to die of something so terrible. There is another blogger with MS that is very young and I hate hearing that person talk about wanting to die, so I get it. I know that feeling of reading something and thinking "come on! your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!"
To keep this blog real and keep it honest, I have stuck to my personal promise to post my feelings and problems, and not to be afraid of any embarrassment, negativity, or whatever.
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