I had my appointment with psychologist yesterday. We went over and addressed some of the issues and thoughts I have had for a while.
I want to note that her husband did pass from cancer in the last two weeks. So I kept my thoughts on cancer to myself. But I did explain how I feel about my lack of desire to live out this life and how out-living my parents appear to be my only goal right now.
She echoed the same thing I have thought and others have told me, that I need to get a hobby, and I need to get out and socialize more. She feels that I am creating a great distance from other people and society in general when I don't leave my house for 2 weeks at a time like I have been lately.
I mentioned to her, which I haven't here, but I shaved for the first time yesterday in over a month. I was bearded and carrying the typical depressed look. I do want to say, even though I was not shaving, I have always kept up on my hygiene, meaning I shower daily, I don't wear dirty clothes etc... Growing a full beard was out of character for me though, I usually stay close to clean shaved or just a little scruff.
She mentioned that while we were talking the only time I have smiled the last few visits is when we talk about dogs, or when her dog comes and loves on me. She reinforced the fact that I need to get a dog or get involved with them somehow. Her saying that had me tearing up for the first time in her office. Not sure what it was, don't know if it was me thinking about my dog, or the thought of getting another, or even the confirmation from someone that knows me well, that I do in fact need that companionship.
I looked up a few of the shelters in my area and tomorrow I will visit at least one of them to see about volunteering. I really would like to only get involved in walking them and playing with them if that's possible. I am sure they will take what they can get.
I figured it would be good for me and the dogs for us to walk each other. So we will see.
Apparently my girlfriend had a break down yesterday after I left for 2 hours of doctor visits. She got to thinking about our dog that passed recently. Her crying started up again when I discussed my doctor's recommendation to get a dog. We are both in agreement that we are not ready for a new dog, but she thought the volunteering was a good idea.
I called my PCP today and left a message. I wanted him to know the Ativan does nothing for me and see what he would like to do. I will also mention the hemorrhoids if he calls me back personally. I told the person that took the message that I had something personal to discuss if he had the time to call me back.
I have been seeing my psychologist once every three weeks because I felt that was enough (except with her husband in hospice we didn't meet for over a month), but she asked to see me again next week, and possible once a week for the next few weeks.
Showing posts with label psychologist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychologist. Show all posts
Friday, January 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Too Honest?
I hit a nerve with some when I made a comment that I would be ok with getting cancer to put an end to this life.
I have actually had the thought for a while, but kept it to myself. Mainly due to it being a shitty thing to say out loud, and I wanted to tell my psychologist, but her husband has/had cancer and what a fucked up thing to say to her. She is a therapist, and should have tough skin, but I am more considerate than that. And it is something I will keep to myself since her husband went into hospice a month ago. I asked how he was doing in an email a week ago and did not get a response to that question. He may have passed since our last visit.
Anyways, it is a very insensitive comment to make these days. Almost everyone either has someone in their immediate family or knows someone that has had a battle with cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family. So I am fully aware of how it would upset someone to read that.
The point of the comment is this: My life quality is poor. I don't see my life getting any better, any time soon. I have been toughing this thing out for the last few years. Toughing it out before I was diagnosed and only thought something weird was wrong with me. I have been in and out of a wheel chair for a year now.
I have lost the two loves of my life in a years time in addition to the knowledge that as long as air is in my lungs, I have a fucked up disease that will always be there.
Add in a job that I am burnt out on, and mounting financial issues that will eventually lead to bankruptcy. I have lost my faith in God, or the existence of anything.
I am left with a life I do not care for. There is only so much I can do to change this life. There are way too many variables that are uncontrollable that lend to my distaste for my life. And this is only the beginning. I am young and have a long way before I get to naturally pass...
It doesn't get any better when I disclose what does get me up every day and continue on... I feel like my only purpose and goal in life right now, is to out live my parents. For some reason I feel like I owe it to them to out live them. A mother or father should NEVER have to bury their own child. For that same reason I will not take my own life. I care about them too much to put them through that. While they could maybe understand my reason for suicide in very small part because of the disease, its not a good enough reason in my eyes. I just simply could not put my family through that. There have been suicides in my family and the toll they take are enormous.
That said, I am hopeful, and I actually expect my outlook on life to change well before that time comes. I am self aware of what my head is doing and what this disease does not only to the body but the mind. So I know I am not crazy or going off the deep end. I am aware enough about these thoughts to document them.
Some might think these are red flags or warning signs for something, I really don't think that is the case, for me atleast.
I am aware enough to know what I am doing, when I do it. Suicide simply is not an option.
To those that may have been offended. I sincerely do apologize. This is really the only topic that could offend and I would follow up with an apology and only because I know how it would burn to read about someone wanting to die of something so terrible. There is another blogger with MS that is very young and I hate hearing that person talk about wanting to die, so I get it. I know that feeling of reading something and thinking "come on! your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!"
To keep this blog real and keep it honest, I have stuck to my personal promise to post my feelings and problems, and not to be afraid of any embarrassment, negativity, or whatever.
I have actually had the thought for a while, but kept it to myself. Mainly due to it being a shitty thing to say out loud, and I wanted to tell my psychologist, but her husband has/had cancer and what a fucked up thing to say to her. She is a therapist, and should have tough skin, but I am more considerate than that. And it is something I will keep to myself since her husband went into hospice a month ago. I asked how he was doing in an email a week ago and did not get a response to that question. He may have passed since our last visit.
Anyways, it is a very insensitive comment to make these days. Almost everyone either has someone in their immediate family or knows someone that has had a battle with cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family. So I am fully aware of how it would upset someone to read that.
The point of the comment is this: My life quality is poor. I don't see my life getting any better, any time soon. I have been toughing this thing out for the last few years. Toughing it out before I was diagnosed and only thought something weird was wrong with me. I have been in and out of a wheel chair for a year now.
I have lost the two loves of my life in a years time in addition to the knowledge that as long as air is in my lungs, I have a fucked up disease that will always be there.
Add in a job that I am burnt out on, and mounting financial issues that will eventually lead to bankruptcy. I have lost my faith in God, or the existence of anything.
I am left with a life I do not care for. There is only so much I can do to change this life. There are way too many variables that are uncontrollable that lend to my distaste for my life. And this is only the beginning. I am young and have a long way before I get to naturally pass...
It doesn't get any better when I disclose what does get me up every day and continue on... I feel like my only purpose and goal in life right now, is to out live my parents. For some reason I feel like I owe it to them to out live them. A mother or father should NEVER have to bury their own child. For that same reason I will not take my own life. I care about them too much to put them through that. While they could maybe understand my reason for suicide in very small part because of the disease, its not a good enough reason in my eyes. I just simply could not put my family through that. There have been suicides in my family and the toll they take are enormous.
That said, I am hopeful, and I actually expect my outlook on life to change well before that time comes. I am self aware of what my head is doing and what this disease does not only to the body but the mind. So I know I am not crazy or going off the deep end. I am aware enough about these thoughts to document them.
Some might think these are red flags or warning signs for something, I really don't think that is the case, for me atleast.
I am aware enough to know what I am doing, when I do it. Suicide simply is not an option.
To those that may have been offended. I sincerely do apologize. This is really the only topic that could offend and I would follow up with an apology and only because I know how it would burn to read about someone wanting to die of something so terrible. There is another blogger with MS that is very young and I hate hearing that person talk about wanting to die, so I get it. I know that feeling of reading something and thinking "come on! your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!"
To keep this blog real and keep it honest, I have stuck to my personal promise to post my feelings and problems, and not to be afraid of any embarrassment, negativity, or whatever.
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