I hit a nerve with some when I made a comment that I would be ok with getting cancer to put an end to this life.
I have actually had the thought for a while, but kept it to myself. Mainly due to it being a shitty thing to say out loud, and I wanted to tell my psychologist, but her husband has/had cancer and what a fucked up thing to say to her. She is a therapist, and should have tough skin, but I am more considerate than that. And it is something I will keep to myself since her husband went into hospice a month ago. I asked how he was doing in an email a week ago and did not get a response to that question. He may have passed since our last visit.
Anyways, it is a very insensitive comment to make these days. Almost everyone either has someone in their immediate family or knows someone that has had a battle with cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family. So I am fully aware of how it would upset someone to read that.
The point of the comment is this: My life quality is poor. I don't see my life getting any better, any time soon. I have been toughing this thing out for the last few years. Toughing it out before I was diagnosed and only thought something weird was wrong with me. I have been in and out of a wheel chair for a year now.
I have lost the two loves of my life in a years time in addition to the knowledge that as long as air is in my lungs, I have a fucked up disease that will always be there.
Add in a job that I am burnt out on, and mounting financial issues that will eventually lead to bankruptcy. I have lost my faith in God, or the existence of anything.
I am left with a life I do not care for. There is only so much I can do to change this life. There are way too many variables that are uncontrollable that lend to my distaste for my life. And this is only the beginning. I am young and have a long way before I get to naturally pass...
It doesn't get any better when I disclose what does get me up every day and continue on... I feel like my only purpose and goal in life right now, is to out live my parents. For some reason I feel like I owe it to them to out live them. A mother or father should NEVER have to bury their own child. For that same reason I will not take my own life. I care about them too much to put them through that. While they could maybe understand my reason for suicide in very small part because of the disease, its not a good enough reason in my eyes. I just simply could not put my family through that. There have been suicides in my family and the toll they take are enormous.
That said, I am hopeful, and I actually expect my outlook on life to change well before that time comes. I am self aware of what my head is doing and what this disease does not only to the body but the mind. So I know I am not crazy or going off the deep end. I am aware enough about these thoughts to document them.
Some might think these are red flags or warning signs for something, I really don't think that is the case, for me atleast.
I am aware enough to know what I am doing, when I do it. Suicide simply is not an option.
To those that may have been offended. I sincerely do apologize. This is really the only topic that could offend and I would follow up with an apology and only because I know how it would burn to read about someone wanting to die of something so terrible. There is another blogger with MS that is very young and I hate hearing that person talk about wanting to die, so I get it. I know that feeling of reading something and thinking "come on! your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!"
To keep this blog real and keep it honest, I have stuck to my personal promise to post my feelings and problems, and not to be afraid of any embarrassment, negativity, or whatever.
Aiaiai...my friend.
ReplyDeleteSending you peace and love and lots of good thoughts. And I will write more later.
K
Very well written, Sir. It honestly made me feel better reading it, since I do care for you as a person. How could I not after reading so many things.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad thinking that my email may have hit a nerve, but I only said what I said with true concern & sincerity.
I sometimes feel that when I come off as trying to lend an optimistic word, it's fake since I don't fully feel that way at all times. So I guess when I say "Chin up man"...it's meant for myself as well.
Take Care.
It wasn't your email specifically, I heard it from others.
DeleteI just wanted to put this post up to clarify my feelings and why I feel the way I do.
My problem with this post is... Now you'll feel you can't write exactly what's in your head and needs to come out for fear of offending people? I worry these thoughts are more destructive being confined to your head. You know where I stand, Mrs Positive, things will get better blah blah but the purpose if this is surely do you can look back and remember how bad you felt? Whilst you don't have cancer, you do have a very debilitating disease. I get it. I get it all. X x
ReplyDeleteI included that last line in the post to just clarify that I will continue to write anything and everything regardless of who it offends.
DeleteAs I said, this is the only subject I will apologize for if it does offend. Anything else is fair game.
Sorry about the typos, I haven't slept in a few days xx
ReplyDeleteI wish you could read my mind right now. There are too many things and a bit difficult to write. But lets try:
ReplyDelete1. Write what you want. Why else should you write?
2. You are a good, loving and caring person. And despite the way you feel you still think a lot about others, you reflect upon things very well and you write well!
3. The way you feel now is really awful. It must change. And YOU must change it. There are some things you can`t do an awful lot about right now, but then there are some things you can do. My suggestions would be:
- If there is something you want to do just a little bit, f.ex: go to a concert, a MS meeting etc. DO IT!
- Get a little dog.
- Put up a donation button on your blog.
- Talk to you girlfriend. Tell her more than you have done so far.
- Exercise a little - CAREFULLY
3. I am reading a very good book at the moment. It`s about a girl who has made her blog into a novel. She has been suffering from depression and anxiety, some of the comments from the blog is also in the book. She describes what she does to feel better. Her psychologist tells her to build self-confidence by being her own parent. A parent who gives herself unconditional love, feeling of safety, stability, time to rest, space etc. Maybe this sounds like a strange thing. But I think it works. I can recognize the situation you describe from before you were diagnosed where you think there is something wrong with you. I had that for years. I had to build myself up again.
And then you experienced 2011 as the worst year ever, and of course, OF COURSE you feel depressed. That shows you are human. I would be scared if you weren`t feeling terribly sad. But it will change.
Another thing which was mentioned a lot in the book, and which also had helped a lot of the people writing there was:
4. Meditation/mindfulness
I am sorry if this comment sounds too strict or harsh, and I don`t mean to try and dictate what you should do. Hehe...I just want you to do SOMETHING, because it sounds like you are ready for it.
Hehe...I told you I wouldn`t write for a while, and then I write more than usually. But I couldn`t let this post go....
1. I will continue to write what I would like. Anything less, this blog is useless to me.
Delete2. I'm working on changes. I have no plans to add a donation button. I do exercise when I can, or feel well. I have an exercise bike in my office and will get on it between calls or during a call sometimes.
3. Mind if I get the title of that book?
4. I have tried meditation but my mind runs too much. Its always working on something. I will look into getting proper training in this, be it online or taking a class.
Thank you for the comment. As always I appreciate your feedback.
Good to hear!:)
Delete4. The mind running too much is quite normal. As long as you are aware of it and return to focus on the breathing it shouldn`t be a problem.
3. The book I mentioned is in Norwegian. The blog is this:
http://www.boablogg.no/
In case you want to feed google translator:)
Take care!
And my name is
ReplyDeleteK
Thinking of you. So very much!
ReplyDeleteK
there is a very good book out there that helps one on the journey of meditation and mindfulness.... long ago my mind was a broken thing... long before MS was known to reside there....anywho, the book is by Ram Dass and it's called Journey To Awakening...
ReplyDeleteRam Dass starts out with very basic ideas and exercises to help clear the mind, sometimes for only seconds at a time but learning how to expand that and eventually sit for several minutes...
Thank you Sherri, I have looked it up.
DeleteI will need some direction. I tried near the fire today but the wind was swirling and smoke followed me...
I was able to get a hold of the audio book and started to give it a listen. Got up to the actual meditation part. I will give it another go when I have some free time that is clear of any distractions.
DeleteThanks again.