Sunday, November 20, 2011

Take another little piece of my heart...

My 8 year old yellow lab had to get put down on Saturday. She was my true companion through everything that happened this year. I will miss her to no end.
Friday was like any other day, we played with a ball several times like we do any other day, she was loving and seeking love like she does any other day. Late in the afternoon she suddenly became lethargic. She didn't want to go outside, she didn't want to do anything. We knew something was wrong when she didn't even want a snack (this dog would do anything for a snack...)
Late Friday night she eventually came outside with me, but she ended up laying down in the yard and wouldn't get up. I had to go help her up and help her inside. I knew that dog better than anyone and I could tell something was bad wrong. She was babied the rest of the night until I had to get some sleep.
Saturday morning I woke up early and first thing was checking on her. She was already awake and not moving. I managed to get two tail wags out of her.
Took her to the vet the moment they opened. They did xrays, and a sonogram. She had a large mass that had grown and was pushing on her organs.
I authorized exploratory surgery. They found a cancerous mass that had ruptured her intestines and bacteria was infecting her body. The mass had attached itself onto multiple organs and was not going to be able to be removed.
We were left with no other decision than to let her go. It was so sudden we still are having a hard time accepting that it actually happened. We lost a daughter and a best friend that day...

This dog was special. A lot of people say a certain dog was the best dog ever, I would argue to no end that mine was in fact the best dog ever. She was the sweetest dog I ever met. Never growled or snapped at anyone. Loved every person regardless of how we felt about them.
Her passion was playing with a ball, swimming and snacks. Maybe snacks are ahead, but its hard to tell what she loved more out of the three, but I like to think that she loved us more than those things.
Her and I had a connection, there were times before and after my diagnosis, it seemed that she was trying to tell me something. She would lean up against me and nudge me for love, she did this more than ever before and during my exacerbations.
Work on Monday is going to be hard because she would join me in my office and sleep in a big chair next to my desk every day. I have many pictures of her doing that, sometimes she would roll on her back looking funny in the process. At times she would start snoring or having dog dreams, and I would have a client ask me over the phone what that sound was, I had no shame, no worry about professionalism, to let me know that was my dog sleeping next to me.

I will forever miss her.

I cannot publish this post without disclosing what happened following the decision to let her go.
We got in the car to leave at the vet, my gf and I are a complete mess. I started having this weird wave come over my body, before I knew it I suddenly could not move my hands, my face, and my legs barely moved. My mouth would not move, I was able to mumble to her that I couldn't move. My hands had retracted into a locked position near to my body. My face was in a fast twitch.  Using my legs I tried pushing myself into the passenger seat, couldn't get over without help. She quickly raced the ER. When I got to the ER, I slowly regained movement, first in my legs, then in my face, left arm, and then eventually my right arm. It took about 30 minutes, maybe longer for everything to come back. In the meantime we are waiting in ER. They took my vitals, and asked us to wait. After being in the ER (in a overflow waiting room) for about an hour, I could walk and decided for myself that I was ok. I got out of the wheelchair and left it in its spot and we snuck out a side entrance and headed home.
There were many tears on the ride home, but I tried my best to calm down. I could recognize that episode was due to the stress and shock of the situation.
When we got home and realizing this home no longer has her, seeing her empty bed, her toys on the floor, and her hair stuck to everything, it was less than a minute of walking the house I had another attack or episode, whatever its called. Again this one lasted another 30 minutes or so. I mumbled to the gf give me a zanaflex. She had to put it in my mouth and give me water since I could not move my hands. After a while I could walk but not move my hands she quickly rolled a joint and I smoked that. It seemed to help out a lot. Helped calm me down. It was one of the single most scary moments I have ever lived through. The optic neuritis this year was scary but gradually came and went over time. This thing came fast and I thought while it was happening that it was going to be permanent, and if not permanent, what were the residual affects going to be? Today I had no problems other than complete body weakness, and everything feels pretty sore.
My heart feels the worst. It is truly broken.

(photo and info removed to maintain some anonymity)


  1. <3
    What a beautiful dog!! So very sad to read this!! At least you have good memories.....Althoug that probably doesn`t give you and comfort now, they will later. I hope you are feeling better physically and that your body weakness will be gone soon!
    RIP Biscuit!

  2. Awww what a beautiful doggy she was. I'm so, so sorry. From the bottom of my heart from you. I've been through almost identical with my 8 yr old black lab Sasha. Like Biscuit she became unwell very suddenly, we rushed her to the vet, the exploratory op showed a cancerous mass too. While we were given the option to operate, we were told she'd be lucky to have 6 months and be likely to be in pain. I loved her too much to allow her to go through all that then have the horror of watching her die. So I completely understand how devastated you feel right now. I can honestly feel your pain. I don't know your feelings on what happens next. I was told about a place called 'Rainbow Bridge' and I like to think Sasha is there. I'm sorry to hear its negatively impacting your health physically too. This is a big loss, Biscuit was your baby and most loyal and loving friend in the world. Some people won't get it.. I do. Thinking of you lots! oxox

  3. ^^ It's me, Jax by the way. I'm in hospital and this iPhones being a dick! I've been trying to post that message for hours:( It won't accept me as me and keeps going blank when I type so god knows if these messages will look okay?!

    Sleep tight Biscuit <3 xXx


    Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
    When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

    All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
    They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

    You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

    Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... 

    Author unknown...

  5. Thinking of you....

  6. After Princess Diana died (not that Im calling her a dog, or YOUR dog less than PD) I sat up alone in the early AM hours of night, crying uncontrollably, I had no horse in that race, but it reached deep into some emotional place of day I had a severe MS relapse. Paralyzed from neck down, 1997. Made me finally take Copaxone. As severe as that was, all resolved after some IV Solumedrol. Our emotional state can effect our MS. Had to have my beloved parakeet 'put down'---he had large inoperable testicle tumor. (He spoke about 100 words and made SENTENCES of his OWN. Knowing no one would believe this, we recorded him.) I never knew a BIRD could reach my emotionas or be so human-like. That was 20 years ago and I have never had another pet since. R.I.P. Biscuit.

  7. My little bunny rabbit (Sweep) went off to Rainbow Bridge this evening too. Hopefully he'll be running around with Biscuit and all the other pets waiting for us xx Now I truly am feeling your Pain. Hope you're doing okay.

  8. My heart goes out to you....again and again and again.


  9. Thank you everyone for the sincere words, thoughts and love. I appreciated it. Even though I havent posted or commented since this post, I came here a couple times and read the comments.

    I'm sorry for your heartbreak to those who posted stories of their past loved ones.

    Thanks again.

  10. We all knew it was such a hard time for you. So glad to see you posting again though. It will get easier...I promise! <3

    Jax x