Monday, November 28, 2011

Empty Spaces

I took a week off from writing anything after the my dog died. It's been a rough week. As I stated before, I don't care much for holidays, and her death made it much harder.
I kept busy for the most part this last week. Prepared for Thanksgiving and the guests it would bring.
It was tough the first few days, cleaning up her stuff. Plenty of tears while putting her toys away and cleaning up her hair. I will probably see her hair for years to come.
My gf's parents along with her nephews came to visit. Thanksgiving dinner was nice I guess. Glutton heaven.
It was hard not to think about the dog this week. She would have been right there with the boys as they play ball outside, pouncing on the ball every time it would hit the ground or when the boys had a makeshift bed in the living room floor to watch tv, she would be up in the middle of it.
I pretty much smoked the week away, I have tried to stay stoned the whole time but that doesn't keep my mind from wandering back to her.
It's been hard to break myself of the habits and routines associated with the dog. Expecting her to be right behind you every time you go outside, being careful when opening bathroom door since she always laid in front of it, checking her food/water every time you walk out of the kitchen. Mornings have been my hardest time because she slept on her own bed near my feet and I would spend a few minutes every morning giving her love and then taking her outside to do her business. I have shed many tears in the morning over those moments.
Found myself sobbing last night for the first time in almost a week. I was just sitting at my desk thinking about her. I need to keep it together to prevent another attack but my love for her consumed nearly everything positive in this fucked up life.
There is a void in this house, and in my heart. I will forever miss Biscuit.

I was a bit annoyed with my neurologist this last week. I called Monday to speak with my doctor about what had happened to me on Saturday with the full body lock ups. They said he would call me back later that day. It wasn't until I called again on Wednesday that he called me back late that afternoon.
As a 20 something patient who had a terrifying experience with MS for the first time, I would expect some attention on the issue. I got the same answer as the on-call doctor, just take it easy. That's easier said than done.
We did discuss my issues with Celexa. Since I started Celexa, I have not slept well, I always felt nauseous, and it caused constipation. I stopped taking it on my own before the doctor called me back to try and get my bowels right. It took until Saturday (week and half after starting) before I could get some regular shit going.
The doctor agreed that I needed to stop taking it. We didn't discuss what I should take next. I know with any anti-depressants it can take a few tries before you find something that works. I also know it can take 1-4 weeks before it really starts taking affect, but I didn't have that much time. I had to shit.
I saw my psychologist on Tuesday to discuss the issues over the weekend. She was the perfect person to talk to. She is also a RN. She has MS, and she is a big time dog lover.
We went over the attacks that I had experienced. She said what I dealt with was an anxiety attack, and the lock up was MS reacting to it. We went over breathing exercises an other things to do if I feel it coming on again. It was nice to discuss everything with her, I needed that then.

I will try to get back on track with my regular posts here.
I want to thank everyone again for their kind words and thoughts regarding Biscuit.


  1. Glad to hear you have a psycologist to talk to. Doctors can sometimes be very strang, and treat a person as if he were a robot. Sometimes it makes people feel even worse.....