Friday, November 11, 2011

Relationships and other shit

I am fucking depressed, more so than usual. My relationship has been at the point where we rarely talk. We will sit on the couch with neither saying a word for a couple hours at a time. Any car rides are silent. I don't have anything to say to her, and she must not have anything to say to me.
We haven't had sex in a couple weeks. I have no sex drive right now at all. I can tell she wants to, she will rub on me and make mention but I don't follow it up with any action. I just don't care to fuck right now. I really don't think its her (when it usually is), you could put any pussy in front of me and I wouldn't mess with it. I assume that coincides with the depression I am dealing with right now.
I really don't want to take antidepressant medications. I hate that I am taking Gilenya and Zanaflex as it is. I would always skip the pills and just rest off a headache. I am not a pill person.
I don't drink anymore, for a few reasons; I lost my taste for it a few years back. (I loved hard liquor, but never liked beer). Gilenya causes liver issues. And the biggest reason I don't drink is the girl I dated for 10 years became an alcoholic. I sat by for years enabling her to do it too, and I hate myself for it. I would go get her booze when asked and worst of all, I didn't tell her how big of a deal it was to me until this year. She has since realized her addiction and is working on it. She only drinks on the weekends. But she drinks every chance she gets like if we go to a friends house and they offer a beer, she will never turn it down.
I knew it was out of control when she would stop by the store for a case of beer on her way home and would drink one or two on the way home. The store is about 5 mins from the house.
I was driving my car after she had borrowed it and there was an empty Four Loco can shoved underneath the driver seat. What the fuck. Even when I used to drink, I never would drink and drive. I left a party one time drunk, went to a parking lot down the street and slept for the night. I have zero tolerance for people that drink and drive. Its some of the most selfish bullshit you could do. The chances of getting into an accident are high, and the fact that you might hurt or kill someone innocent is sickening, all in the name of getting a fucking buzz...

Matt from Matt's MS has been going through another exacerbation. I feel bad for this kid. Seems like he hasn't gotten a break from the MS. Hope he gets well soon. He had a post the other day where he talks about his loneliness. It certainly made me think a bit. Made me wonder if I didn't have her around here if I would slip into some kind of I don't know what. I really would be concerned with dating. Every girl I have dated was really met through mutual friends. I don't have many friends here, and almost all of them are looking for someone themselves.
I am not into the bar scene, or the downtown area for that matter. Don't know where you even go to meet anyone anymore. I don't have a facebook account and crap like that. I really don't see myself as an online dating person. But I will tackle that issue if/when it comes. But it has been thought when it comes to the idea of sending this girl on her way.
When you start dating someone, when do you bring up MS? Its certainly not first date conversation material.
You almost feel like you need to mention it if it's something that will affect sex (if it affects you) to save some embarrassment.
Sex is a whole 'nother issue. I felt like I was in my sexual prime until the MS and fatigue kicked in. I would have every bit of confidence needed. But now that has all changed.
I could see a major confidence issue in myself since I was diagnosed, but that was compounded by a cheating girlfriend. 

So the burning questions in me that have no answer until it actually was to happen...
If I were single again, how would I find someone?
How would she be able to understand/care for/love who I am now?
How will I deal with a girl that wants children when I feel that time has come and gone?
How can I give a girl a proper fuck now like every person wants?

How will I find the exact replica of who I am seeing now without the alcoholism/cheating?
Thats a fucked up question to be asking. I ask myself that question, I have to wonder why can't we work it out, we can try and eliminate those things. Well the cheating cannot be eliminated. Its already happened. The months of lies and trying to juggle that bullshit with the first major exacerbation I had has left me very sour about the situation. I seem to be hard on myself for not kicking her out right off the bat, but I had double vision, and couldn't drive, I was scared. And now that my vision has come back, I continue to let her live with me.. I am fucked. The whole situation feels like it happened yesterday, and it's been 6 months.
The alcohol is being dealt with, but I would like her to go to AA. She wont go mainly because their idea of sobriety is never drinking again, and religion is used lot. She is not religious at all and would never give up drinking for good.
I would feel like a dick doing it, but I have thought about giving her an ultimatum regarding the drinking and going to AA. I don't want to force anything on anyone. I will stand up for things I feel are right and wrong but it's not my place to wag the finger. I only do so when I feel its absolutely necessary.
Something to think about.

Anyways this turned into a jumbled mess of thoughts, not much structure there or advice for anything.


  1. Sounds like you deserve better than what you have. I know it may seem harder now if you were start looking for someone else but there's decent people out there who wouldn't let illness get in the way. I can whole-heartedly say if I liked a guy and he told me had MS, it would not put me off. I agree first date isn't confession time, I'd save the important stuff till I knew we were going somewhere. No point in frontin up when it's not necessary. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and you deserve someone sober (most of the time) as conversing with a drunk when ur not, can't be much fun at all:( Fidelity and trust are so important in a relationship and you deserve that as much as anyone does.

    Hope my input is okay?

  2. I totaly agree with anonymous here!!

  3. Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it.
    Input is always welcome. Thanks again.

  4. Thank you:)) I'm glad I stumbled across your blog, I like your honesty and the way you write straight from the heart without proof reading then changing things to what you expect people to want to read. It's's letting people into your life..despite the ability to still remain anonymous! :D

  5. Thanks for the comment. This is here for my own personal record, but also for people that may be going through some of the same shit, to know they are not the alone in this sick joke called life. And for those people to see how I do and don't deal with it.

    I have been giving out more details about myself than I thought I would. If someone I know comes across this and reads it enough they would be able to figure it out I think.. or that could just be my paranoia from when I read it, I instantly says that's me.

  6. That was me up there ^^ btw, I didn't realise I could post my name at first *blonde moment* I agree people could probably suss it was you...maybe once you've started writing, it's opened the floodgates? Do u have a lot of people in real life to talk to?

    I too suffer chronic illness, possible MS too (I found you after you left a link on Matt's bog) Do you ever get the feeling when people ask how you're feeling, fine is the only answer they want to hear, or are able to hear? Maybe it's cos the truth is too painful, or I know for sure in my life, it's some people can't be bothered anymore cos I've been ill too long. One thing I've found about illness, it shows you who your true friends are. Sometimes online support can be good, I've made some really get friends online.

    Like I said before, I enjoy reading your blog. I like the fact you tell it as it is, and if people don't like it then tough titty:D.

  7. Jax,
    Suss...I never heard that word before, had to look it up. thanks for that.

    Unfortunately nearly all people in my real life are shut out from the complete truth. I feel like I am protecting family by doing so since they are so far away. I don't want to add to the helplessness that some have expressed.
    So I resort to this blog and my therapist to express some true feelings, thoughts, etc...

    If my girlfriend hadn't done what she did, I would have her. I would have that person knows me almost better than I do and to rely on on their support, love, and affection. I had a couple hour discussion with her about that today, trying to explain what it has done and meant. And just how alone and empty it left me.
    I just keep holding on for something, I don't know what it is yet. I just have to make sure when I let go it is the right decision.
    I don't want to look back in regret.

  8. The one thing I have learned with relationships (despite the fact that I am obviously not in a "successful one - what ever that is) is that communication really is key. Guys are not typically all that good at it... Neither are girls actually... Communication is a relative skill, it changes depending on who it is between... ANYWAYS, I think that ultimatums are bullshit but given the situation, I think it would be appropriate right now because if she doesnt change her ways then someone could seriously get hurt or killed and do you want to be part of that?

    Being single sucks, it hurts, but I imagine not more than living with the guilt of having the opportunity to literally be able to save a life/lives and not have taken it...

    The problem in my opinion is that alcoholics won't change their ways until something is causing them more pain then NOT drinking will. My ex's mother was a hardcore alcoholic, it was pathetic. Nothing will ever change.. Change is hard but drinking is easy. Dealing with am alcoholic is like dealing with someone who has a disease... And given that you have MS, the caregiver role may not be in your best interest...

    Anyways, talk to her about it. Tell her you can't have that in your life. Things need to change and if it doesnt come from her t will come from you.

    I don't know how we meet new people. If it was easy I suspect there wouldnt be as many jacked up relationships as there are. We don't leave becuase finding someone new is hard and being alone is painful so staying is easier. I signed up for Zoosk for shits and giggles. I think its stupid, hollow. I suppose one day someone will come into my life somehow, the old fashioned way, but this online dating thing? Its unnatural, its weird.

    I had something else to say but I have gone blank... Oh well, perhaps I have said too much anyways, take care.

  9. I think too that it's better the devil you know. Sometimes you get so used to being around someone, that you can't imagine life without them. Even though in your heart you know that it's way too fu**ed up to be healthy, or good for you. I understand though that you don't want to make that final decision for fear of regret. Habit's can be very hard to break and a bad relationship is just that. Maybe your is fixable though, does she realise how much her behaviour is affecting you. Alcoholism is a disease, I too have experience of it with a family member, and it's hard. Really hard! The only person that can make her change is her:( I'm not an expert but I think she may have to hit rock bottom for that to happen. On the cheating aspect, I know trust can be rebuilt, a bigger person could forgive (probably never forget though) I'm not sure I could be the bigger person, infact I know I couldn't.

    It must be hard (on Matt too) when you both have so much to give and deserve the same back in return. I know a lot of people don't agree but I'm a strong believer in fate. What's for you won't go by you and all that. When you're not having happy times, I know that probably sounds like the biggest load of tosh going. I am trying to put a positive spin on it here, but believe me, my life's not all hearts and flowers. I can have very bad days too where life just seems impossible and totally posintless!

    I also know the problems with internet dating. I only know it from a female perspective (through a friend) and certainly the one she tried - Girls date for free - was full of guys just wanting a bit of fun. Sure at first they claimed to want a relationship, but I have no idea if guys have the same problems, do girls act like that? I'd like to think there's decent females on the sites, maybe who are lonely and finding it equally hard to meet that elusive one. I do know a lot of single Mums find their way onto these sites, which is why I feel a lot of the rogue men find their way there. As some single Mums can be seen as vulnerable. Sorry this has ended up as a rant about dating sites....I do have a reason for hating them:(( Not something I can post here for all to see though.

  10. Ooops.. sorry about making you have to look up suss! Here we use suss for lots of things..suspect, suspicious..I'll have you speaking Scottish in no time;o)

  11. Matt, there is an dating site called How About We. People just go on there and post a How about we.. and add something they would want to do. if someone finds it interesting then it goes from there.
    I never used it but the concept is cool and its endorsed by TheChive (website).
    (if you are a Chiver,

    thanks for the coment

  12. jax, I don't mind learning anything knew, especially a new word. My formal education ends at 9th grade, so I soak in everything.

    I appreciate you being positive. If it doesn't affect me directly on one particular day, its most likely helping someone else.
    thank you.

  13. btw, I think everyone knows Matt, but in case you don't,
    Highly recommended blog.