Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Looking into the future...

I go to a monthly MS meeting and I seem to leave there feeling lower than I did before I went. I am the youngest member in that meeting by 15-20 years. Most of them are in wheelchairs or use walkers/canes. I feel for these people. They are positive people but you know.. I just see past it. How happy are they really? There are a few people genuinely happy, you can see it in their face, or the way they talk. Majority of them are just waiting for their number to get called, much like I am. They have the same facade that I do. Some of the husbands/caretakers almost seem worst than the person with MS. It really takes a toll on them.
There is probably 5 minutes of useful information out of these meetings. Most of the information I either already know of thanks to the internet or they are getting it from me because I am the only one that uses Gilenya.
I have attended these meetings for the last several months. I am considering not going to these any more. I feel my moral is lowered after attending. I know where I am heading and I don't need reminders. This may be misinterpreted as being insensitive or some other shit but I am only being honest with myself and how I feel.
I understand that for some people they really need these meetings and look forward to them. I however do not. I think I go because I don't currently know anyone (in real life) with MS other than these people and you cannot help but feel some sort of connection with them, but I am questioning if I really need that connection. I might skip the next one to find out if there is a void there.
Some shit happened at the meeting that I wont even disclose my thoughts here, something I need to keep to myself, this blog could really get out of hand. It involved disabled persons and interpretive dancing. I will leave it at that..

Woke up around 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep last night. I was uncomfortable and my mind had started to run wild. I kept going back to the 10 year relationship I kind of feel stuck in. I don't feel like I love her, she acts like she loves me. I haven't kissed her in about 8 months since I found out about her cheating. I still fuck her but won't kiss her. She is pretty much treated like a prostitute in a way. I brought this up a month or so ago, and she says "who cares?" and that "kissing is not that big of a deal". Its is not that big of a deal but it's a part of affection I have not felt in a very long time now. I could kiss her if I wanted to, but I don't. I wanna kiss someone and actually feel something from it, and for that person... Something has to give. She knows I am not in love with her, I have made that clear, but she insists on trying to work it out. If I didn't have the double vision problem and lived 12+ hours from any one I know when I found out about her earlier this year, she would have been long gone. I was convinced to let her stay after my eyes were better to try and work it out. She is the only person I have let walk all over me. Maybe I just like bj's too much. I don't know.
I will have to seriously re-evaluate my life and this relationship when the spring rolls around. I need to figure if I want to stay with this girl, or in this town. I'm feeling a big NO on both at this very second.

Again another boo hoo woe is me post, but that's what these bull shit anonymous blogs are for right? Not for you, but for me to type it out so it's not swimming in my head at 4:30am.

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