Monday, May 7, 2012

Update 5/7

There's a few things I forgot about in the last update. Mostly random bullshit.

The end of this month will be six months since I lost my dog to cancer. I miss her dearly and I cannot recall the last day that passed where I didn't think about her. It was rough when the family came to visit. My grandfather who is 80 asked where she was. He had forgotten she died. Although my heart skipped a beat... the rough stuff was everyone sharing stories about her. (there was plenty of smiles, but reality continues to sink in)
I haven't been able to fully grasp the idea of getting another dog. When my mind gives me a good reason to get one, a million reason pop in my head not to get one...
I miss my dog.

I feel like in the last 10 years I have gone nowhere. I am actually in worse shape than I was 10 years ago, physically, emotionally and financially..
Money has been very tight, and I am back to living like I did as a 'kid'.
Back to hand rolling cigarettes, and eating shit.
The hand rolling is really not cool, I used to like it. When I was younger I was already smoking non-filtered smokes for a long time, but when money got tight, I had no problem rolling a smoke.
Now its a painful and tedious process. My hands do not work like they used to, so I am constantly having to redo my work. I need to get a little roller, my hands don't cut it anymore.
Back to eating Ramen noodles and other bullshit. Finally found some chicken on sale so I was able to get some, cut it up and freeze, but still eating as little as possible to stretch the meals out. One cheap meal that is usually good is cooking some rice and opening a can of soup and mixing it in. Cheap and filling (for the most part).
A month or so of this and I hope to be back to 'normal'

Along with the financial issues, I could no longer afford health insurance.
I had to cancel my health insurance last month, I cannot apply for it again for six months. I was already using a high-risk pool state ran insurance because no standard insurance companies wouldn't insure me...
I hope to stay healthy enough in the next 6 months.
I figured if I had an exacerbation I could simply call the doctor, explain the symptoms and they would just call in a steroid prescription. All the roids they have given my have been generics, and my local pharmacy has generics for $3.
Of course since I have thought this through, I will get completely fucked in a different way I didn't anticipate.

I was getting Gilenya for free with a co-pay assistance program, since I no longer have insurance, I had to reapply for financial aid. They said my numbers met the requirements and that some paperwork would come in the mail. It's been over a week and no paper work. I told them I was down to my last 2 weeks of med and they said that it would get expedited...
If I cannot get the medication for free, then I don't know what the next step would be.
I am not going back to injectable medications. I am already not taking any symptom specific medication.
If I lose Gilenya, I will be down to nothing. The cannabis is not affordable right now.
I am living with no relief what so ever, I cannot explain how miserable this makes my life.

I know I am missing something. fuck it.


  1. You inspired me to write a blog.
    Hope you know that.
    I don't agree with DMD's, but I hope the Gilenya comes thru for you. Sorry everything sucks so bad for you right now...truly sorry.


  3. My friend,
    I also really hope you will get a dog!! Then maybe you can think of her in a way that makes you less sad. Think of all the good memories and be happy for all the time you had together.
    I really wish you had healthy food! And all that.... Do you have a lot of sun where you live?
    I am thinking of you a lot. Life should not be so unfair!! Thanks for writing. It means a lot. I care about you! Wishing you the very, very best!
    Big hug!!