Another year...another symptom.

This blog is one year old with 90 posts completed.
Its been a long year since I started this blog. My physical and mental state have been in decline since I started this blog.
I don't really know what I expected to get from this experience, but if I had to be completely honest with everyone and myself, it has not added anything to my life. I cannot recall writing here, posting it, leaning back in my chair and thinking "I feel so much fucking better now". At times I walk away feeling more pathetic and useless because I just finished highlighting what is wrong with me and what I have zero control over.
However. I am grateful for the relationships that have come from this blog...but honestly they do not make a single thing easier. Knowing someone else that is having more or less problems than me does not make me feel better. It worsens my distaste for life.

I have heard this multiple times and I want to throat punch someone who claims that they are grateful they got MS because it made them who they are today. Keep it to yourself and try not to rub your shit in my face. We both know you are lying.

I started LDN but only for three days. As people have warned, it can cause insomnia, sure enough each night I have taken it, by 3am I am fully awake and trying my best not to get out of bed.
Three days into LDN, I started having some severe pain in my right hand, the following day I couldn't move my hand I was in so much pain. After researching the matter, I suspect I dealt with Gout in my hand. Its a type of arthritis that attacks joints and is usually caused by high Uric Acid.
I had gone almost a month without red meat and then I had a string of 3 days straight having beef. Oddly this was good grass fed, organic beef from a local farm where you can buy some meats fresh and never frozen. Beef is known to cause high Uric acid for some.
I did not go to a doctor for blood work, so I do not know what my Uric Acid levels were.
One thing giving me some doubt is that my dad deals with gout in his feet from time to time. He swears by black cherry juice. His doctor recommended it, and he said within an hour of drinking a glass he gets relief.
I drank 32oz of that shit and got no relief. It wasn't until a couple days had passed that it started getting better each day.
Another 'fuck you' was that it affected my right hand. I use a cane to support my right side and leg.... I was fucked for a couple days there.

Alright so three days into LDN, the hand fucks up so I stopped it. After the hand got it's shit together, I had family visit me, and that pushed off starting it again on hold.
After family left I took it one night, woke up at 3am and stayed up all night. Have not taken it again since. Some people take it in the morning, and I may try that later in the week.

Right side of body has gone numb. This is only the second time that I have dealt with a half body numbness. I have had numbness in my fingers come and go but the half body numb shit has not showed itself since my first major exacerbation. It makes everything a bit uncomfortable, mainly walking. I feel like my right leg is a peg leg. I have little feeling around my knee so each step I feel like my leg is balancing on that knee and can fall out from under me at any moment.
I have that weird numb pain. How you can be in pain where its numb is beyond me and I cannot explain.

I still have not moved. Every place I look at has some sort of deal breaker. And others that don't appear to have deal breakers go fast and always before I can get to see the place.
Because I am looking to move to another city and state that is almost three hours from me, it is difficult for me to see a place on a weekday.
I had a perfect place I was going to see tomorrow but got a call this evening that someone put a deposit on the place. Since winter is upon us, my moving window has pretty much closed and I will have to stay where I am at until spring.
I really wanted to get the fuck out of here. I need a change badly. I wanted a new environment, new house, new community, new everything.
It's hard finding a place far enough out of the city that has internet and doesn't have some neighbor up in your shit. I don't want to see you, hear you or smell you.

I will eventually stop posting here, and the blog will become dormant and stale as other MS blogs have. It'll be in the mix of MS blogs that you stumble across every once in a while and the last post is two years old. You wonder how the person is doing and if MS is preventing them from updating.

Thanks for reading, now and then.

Finally.

Someone threw me a fucking bone.

Found out at my last MS meeting that someone there was prescribed LDN by a doctor at the same practice I go to.
I called my doctor and re-requested an LDN prescription and let him know about his own fucking co-worker prescribing it after I was told they had never a couple months ago. They also said they would not prescribe something to be used off-label (which is exactly what they/I did with Marinol).
He said its not what I should be doing for my MS and not the treatment plan I should be following, but reluctantly prescribed it anyways.

They are mailing the prescription since I do not know where I am getting it from. There is a compounding pharmacy in my town but the lady who used LDN, said it didn't work for her. That means nothing except it didn't work for her. But it makes me wonder if I shouldn't get LDN from a list of known good compounding pharmacies online. 
I will likely order it online since I really have one shot at this. If it doesn't work, I will not go through the trouble and expense to try it again later in life.

That really is all that's good in this pathetic life. Still broke, have not moved yet. Still unhappy and feel like shit.

Waste of time

Nothing here but bitching about the "vacation" I just returned from.
Earlier in the year the cellmate's family booked a beach house on the eastern coast.
I did not plan on going until I was pressured from various directions that "it would be good for me". I argued that it is not a good time with the upcoming move and that a beach was not my ideal vacation spot.
It proved exactly why I should not listen to anyone and stick to my own decision making.
This was my first vacation in two years.

We arrived after ten fucking hours of driving. The house was a 3 story tall with steep stairs everywhere. Some did not have hand rails. The house was not cleaned after the guests. We found the place trashed and the rental and cleaning company would not return calls until the next day. They never did come clean the place, we cleaned it ourselves. There is a list of issues with the house including mold that I will skip.

The cellmate and her brilliant mind thought the trip would have been missing her friend and her boyfriend.. These two are disgusting drunk gluttons. The boyfriend is one of the worse people I have personally met. He is a loud (he is hard of hearing), rude and always drunk. Every place is a bar to him and he belongs in every conversation. Aside from his endless drinking and eating, he was accused of stealing money (oh yeah, this catch is unemployed).
Three days into the visit, they were asked to leave...
I had intended on heading back home mid-week and the cellmate was to ride back with her friend, but that got fucked up because of these two dipshits.

My legs did not cooperate with the stairs. I found myself a prisoner of the third floor. Four of the six days there I did not leave the third floor.
I walked to the beach once using a boardwalk from the house. It is a long walk and has more stairs. I did not even attempt to walk on the beach since I was already tired walking to, and I use a cane and they don't mix.

The above wouldn't be so bad if I could have worked. My job position and responsibilities allow me to work anywhere there is highspeed internet. Of course the place has internet that is too slow and constantly drops. I could not keep my connections up to my office and phone system to complete any work at all.
I do not get vacation pay or sick time off. An entire week of pay...

So I just sat around, bored out of my fucking mind. In count down mode until it was time to leave. Quietly in pain and uncomfortable.
I kept it to myself. There was no point into bitching about it, I was already there. Enough drama was going on with the shitty rental and the drunks that my words would have fell on deaf ears anyways.
I was only questioned once about my lack of participation, I think the cellmate had to speak up and remind them of how useless I am.

They all smoke and eat unhealthy. I was stuck around cigarettes that I want, and shitty food that I do not want. I did not smoke and skipped multiple cheese filled meals.

If anything came from it, in my alone time I was hard on myself enough that I will say "No." when I want to.

Update 9/7

Still preparing to move. It got pushed back a month due to typical life bullshit popping up and draining $2500 from me preventing the move when it was planned.
So I have holed myself up in my office for the last couple weeks working like mad. I have managed to almost double my paychecks by putting in well, almost double the time. Working day/night and weekends.
I am even skipping a week-long vacation at a beach house with the cellmate's family just so I can continue to work and get moved. 
I know at some point something has to give, but in the present I want to move before winter rolls around.
I just hope my body can hold up and not get worse.

Still moving to another state nearby. I am going to try to continue my country living and void the city life.
I considered moving back into the city for health reasons (doctors, public transit, etc) but I decided country was going to be better for my health.
I have restricted myself to a diet of mostly organic foods, very little meat at all.
All meals are prepared when I eat them, I don't buy prepared foods or processed foods.
I have stuck to this for over a month now. Stop smoking almost two months now. I am trying.

Living in the country fits my desired lifestyle more. If I am further away from restaurants and junk food, I am less likely to eat that bullshit. Living out in the country for a couple years has taught me to plan for a week of meals and to eat much better than I ever did. Out in the country, I have access to small farms right by my house that I use for all of my produce and meats, a large local organic store for everything else.

Back to work.