Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Grow Up

Its time to grow up and fucking get over it. I know this. I want this. Fucking anger just festers. 
A whore showed up in my life on this day a couple years ago bringing a whole sack of MS with her.
Obviously I do not blame her for me actually having MS, but I am confident it would have not taken me down like it did, and not as soon as it did if it were not for her. I don't care if I am wrong. 
The fact does remain that the way life has played out since has left me the way I am today as a whole, and I fucking hate it. 
I only ask for a few more fucking years!!

We have not kissed in two years. I love you has not been said in two years. 
Two years ago, I kissed her goodbye, and told her I loved her as she left for work. Found out that evening she was not being faithful and we simply never kissed or loved again. 

I cannot even say to myself that I love her. I don't know that I do. I have already spent a week away from her and it may be another two weeks before I see her again due to the car accident. 
She is wanting to be home, and I guess that she misses me. My delusional mind says she is worried I will realize that I don't want or need her. 
I have immensely enjoyed the peace and quiet since no one is here. 
Saying this out loud sounds like shit; I enjoy her cooking, her cleaning and she feels better than my hand. Surely it hasn't come to that. That has to me being an asshole. 

I am aware enough to recognize how abnormal and unhealthy that relationship is. It's almost as if the part of me that should be handling that died. I simply walk around in confusion, a basic carbon matter with no ability to make a decision. 
I truly feel like a part of me is missing. I am not who I was.
A lesion must be on a very important part of my brain. A part that was critical to me. 
A sorry ass shell of the former. Head hangs low when it was in the clouds.

Grow up and make a decision you dick, accept the regret however it plays out. 


  1. If you didn't have MS would you still be hanging around? I believe that answer is no. Do not let that define your decisions, and don't let the fact of how long you have spent your life with her already is reason to stay. YOU deserve happiness and love. idgaf what you say.... ;)

    1. I would have moved on.
      The optic neuritis after the affair grounded me for 6 months and I was unable to function by myself. I required too much assistance. I have yet to release from the teet.

      Maybe I just wanna see her gown down with the ship too...

    2. You're not going down anywhere...stop.
      I can't say I wouldn't feel the same though.

  2. Ok, I have re-read some of yr posts concerning her. I don't know how I forgot how much I hate yr relationship. I don't care that I only know you through the internet. I don't care that it's none of my business. I care that you are in a insanely unhealthy relationship that seems to cause more heartache and pain than anything semi positive. The lying, the cheating, the no sense of intimacy with you after 10 years is disgraceful. I hope you get out of it soon, man. I really do. I know it's all easier said than done, but fuck...

  3. Don`t be so hard on yourself!
    But I definitly agree with Kelly. You deserve better. Even though it might be difficult, you can manage without here. And of course you`d miss here. Because she is part of your life. Maybe your relationship has become a habit. Habits are hard to change. But I hope you will do it. Becuase after these two years it seems like things are not better? You have already started to move on. Don`t stop doing the right things for yourself!!

    I wish all the best for you!!