Friday, December 28, 2012

on thin ice

I know what I need to write about and document, but for periods of time I would sit here blank, partly in confusion and disbelief, wondering why this is my story to write. Some sort of depression sets in and I have to fight back tears at times. At one time writing seemed to make me feel better but it clearly doesn't anymore. The issues still exist and are still very real after I hit publish. The numbness and the wrecked car are problems that no amount of discussion make any easier.

I decided to spend the long Christmas weekend with the cellmate's family up north. What a fucking mistake.
Two days before the trip my body starts to warn me. My left leg has gone numb, so it joins my right hand, and parts of my right side/leg. The numbness covers the leg and my left nut. I cannot express my concern of dealing with a numb dick.

I haven't written about her and will not go into too much detail, but the cellmate's mom is bipolar (family says bipolar, I say crazy bitch) and has gradually gotten worse. She has extreme highs and lows within a single day. I cannot handle her shit. She is a noise nazi. She must control the sound space around her. No two conversations can happen in the same room at the same time. No one can eat food unless she is eating because she will hear you. She is a bully. She has a history of physical violence and will threaten anyone with an ass kicking, even her own fucking mother. Its a high-stress environment that I do not do well in.

Tried to leave the area and weather was really bad but was due to get worse. Cellmate was driving and hit a patch of ice on a bridge causing the car to lose control and hit a wall. There was damage and the car could not be driven. Sat in the blizzard conditions for about an hour getting everything sorted on the phone. Got it towed, left in a rental the next day, still waiting to know what the extent of damage is. I was warned it might get totaled (gets paid off in April).
What the fuck... I am glad we are ok and no one got hurt.. but what the fuck man...

Enough of that shit. More on numbness, in the northern cold I was able to get in tune with my body some more and take note of certain things.
The numbness appears to be on the outside of my skin on the top layer (Epidermis), maybe a couple centimeters more or less, I have no idea how deep. Any pain or sensation bypasses the numb space and picks up right where it would have been (maybe in the Dermis?). So you are left with very sudden and painful feelings. You cannot feel a pinch until a certain point and then it comes at once..not sure how else to describe it. For all I know, that is exactly how standard limb numbness goes, it varies on depth.
I also have an issue if I drop my head down, it feels like a rubber band inside me has been pulled tight.
This issue came up a couple months ago but I couldn't fully figure out the weird feeling. I had lesions on my spine, and I think one has developed in an area when the head goes down that point is being moved or disturbed. I can only guess. I will bring it up with a doctor when I see one.

Application for federal insurance is awaiting approval. Neurologist referral request has been made. I will be seeing an MS specialist. I will give it their way another go since my way has not been working either. At some point, we may all just have to accept that there is no way.


  1. Sorry about your car and other tough things. Maybe the new year will bring better luck? Let's hope so.

  2. I guess I can understand that, writing doesn`t take away any of your problems. You write so well, but still it does`t change things. I am glad you are going to se a MS specialist. Hope it will bring some change!! I believe ther must be some way.....
    I am sorry for your terrible Christmas! I know bipolar is terrible, and combined with physical violence it must be unbearable?
    I hope next year will be better for you!!
    I wish you all the best

  3. Holy shit. Awesome of a Christmas as mine was.

    I cannot believe you described the numbness so well. That is exactly, exactly how it is for me. Mine is gradually getting better,but its been Ongoing since august.

    sorry about the accident. hope yr doing well.