I am in prison and on death row.
I am deteriorating in my cell.
Despite time in the exercise yard, I am getting weaker by the day.
I fuck my cellmate who I loathe.
I dream of an escape but I am too weak.
The judge that put me here can go fuck himself.
WAKE UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Update 3/19
I will always remember the quote, but not who its from...
"Some days you're the pigeon, and other days you're the statue."
For me its more like "Some people are pigeons and others are statues"
I am a statue. That's not very deep, but I remember the quote at times, and find myself twisting it to fit my shit.
My problemwas is waking with left foot problems. I don't know if it is MS related or not. I cannot turn my ankle or put weight on it. Woke up one day more than a week ago and fell trying to stand on it. The day/night before I did not jump, twist, run, nothing. I cannot tell if it is swollen. The ankle, specifically the Achilles tendon are tender to the touch. The slightest movement aside from a flat foot stance is extremely painful.
After about 4 days it cleared up, felt much better. I was thinking I had just a random bullshit problem and week.
Then I woke up again with the same problem. What in the fuck.
Since it is random, cannot explain why its happened and what the problem is exactly, I am left to wonder if it's MS fucking with me.
The insignificant thing recently is my fridge died. It was nice enough to die after filling it up, and the freezer was full of meat that was just ground up. Since I had just been shopping and was eating all fresh stuff, the freezer got warm for a day or two before it was even noticed. Took a couple days before I could get it replaced. Lost nearly everything but the vegetables.
Anyways, not a huge deal, that's fucking life for ya, just being a dick.
Started various vegetables and cannabis seeds for the garden this year. I guess that's the only positive I have, although I am aware it only means more work and another thing to stress about later. Wish I could just enjoy the process from seed to harvest but my head won't allow it... I always turn it into a question of "What the fuck is going to go wrong now?"
Life has become when, not if.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
"Some days you're the pigeon, and other days you're the statue."
For me its more like "Some people are pigeons and others are statues"
I am a statue. That's not very deep, but I remember the quote at times, and find myself twisting it to fit my shit.
My problem
After about 4 days it cleared up, felt much better. I was thinking I had just a random bullshit problem and week.
Then I woke up again with the same problem. What in the fuck.
Since it is random, cannot explain why its happened and what the problem is exactly, I am left to wonder if it's MS fucking with me.
The insignificant thing recently is my fridge died. It was nice enough to die after filling it up, and the freezer was full of meat that was just ground up. Since I had just been shopping and was eating all fresh stuff, the freezer got warm for a day or two before it was even noticed. Took a couple days before I could get it replaced. Lost nearly everything but the vegetables.
Anyways, not a huge deal, that's fucking life for ya, just being a dick.
Started various vegetables and cannabis seeds for the garden this year. I guess that's the only positive I have, although I am aware it only means more work and another thing to stress about later. Wish I could just enjoy the process from seed to harvest but my head won't allow it... I always turn it into a question of "What the fuck is going to go wrong now?"
Life has become when, not if.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Update 3/7
There is a large tree in the back yard that is usually late to bloom, and is ugly in the fall. Green leaves turn brown over night and just fall. Woodpeckers have been working on this tree for many years, as there are lines of dots all over it.
Recently I watched a small woodpecker work on the tree, and occasionally some small birds would fly into the tree. He would stop what he was doing to chase them off, and when all birds were gone, he would go back to work.
I think I have been keeping people out of my tree lately. Friends and family have called, and I have either not answered or have not called them back.
I have not been to psychologist in a month now, and canceled scheduled routine doctor appointments as I find them to be a waste of time and money. I continue time at dog shelter when I feel up to it.
I can't really say I am back to not wanting to be around anyone, since I never wanted to in the first place. I went on a tear reaching out to old friends, going to a "church", seeing doctors more, ms meetings, etc.. Its tiring shit, and feels like a waste of time. None of it added anything to my day or life. I truly felt no better trying to add people in my life. I did/do it because that is what I was told is "normal" and "healthy minded".
I haven't felt a desire to write anything.
This blog is my own personal record and diary, and I have nothing to add to it.
This post is mainly to plug in something for this span of time.
If I don't write, then I have nothing to update. I have auto-pilot on right now.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Recently I watched a small woodpecker work on the tree, and occasionally some small birds would fly into the tree. He would stop what he was doing to chase them off, and when all birds were gone, he would go back to work.
I think I have been keeping people out of my tree lately. Friends and family have called, and I have either not answered or have not called them back.
I have not been to psychologist in a month now, and canceled scheduled routine doctor appointments as I find them to be a waste of time and money. I continue time at dog shelter when I feel up to it.
I can't really say I am back to not wanting to be around anyone, since I never wanted to in the first place. I went on a tear reaching out to old friends, going to a "church", seeing doctors more, ms meetings, etc.. Its tiring shit, and feels like a waste of time. None of it added anything to my day or life. I truly felt no better trying to add people in my life. I did/do it because that is what I was told is "normal" and "healthy minded".
I haven't felt a desire to write anything.
This blog is my own personal record and diary, and I have nothing to add to it.
This post is mainly to plug in something for this span of time.
If I don't write, then I have nothing to update. I have auto-pilot on right now.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Monday, February 27, 2012
ughpdate
Feeling better. I had a fever over the weekend and that is what caused the body to freak the fuck out.
I did not know about the fever until my gf got home after 9pm from work. She felt my head, said I was burning up, took temperature, it was over 100F (don't recall exact number right now, 101.something).
I felt cold all day, and had full body pain, including my head, and I mean every muscle in my body.
Got out of bed twice all day, both times to deal with bowel problems. The second time to also deal with some work since I was on call and did not handle any calls, and I somehow got a post on this blog (odd that I got the post up fine, but my work emails are full of mistakes).
Tried to eat some soup but couldn't, each bite felt like it was going to trigger vomit.
Took flu medications, and a cocktail of muscle relaxers. I got no immediate relief.
Things started getting better on Sunday, fever went away, pain went away for the most part but was replaced with weakness. I can still barely walk, the legs are just weak, and not really in pain.
On Sunday afternoon, I ate something for the first time since Friday afternoon.
When the gf said I had a fever, it made sense why I was feeling the way I was. I know enough about MS to know a fever can be bad news. The body temperature rises and can cause issues with your nerves. Researching the issue, some info points to a pseudo-exacerbation, which I was told I have had before, but it was not fever/illness related.
This was the first fever that I know of since I have had MS. I will try to recognize it quicker in the future.
Part of me knows I should get more rest, but I am tired of being in bed. Spent about 36hrs in bed from Friday pm to Sunday am (not sure if my math is off but sounds right) with only leaving the bed for short periods of time. Didn't turn on tv until Sunday afternoon, didn't even feel well enough to watch it as odd as that sounds..
I slept a lot of the time in bed, but kept waking up and staying awake for a bit in the middle of the night. I can't be surprised by that though.
I have to work this week, taking time off is not an option. Hope to get some cannabis today, that should help ease some minor pains and sleeping through the night.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
I did not know about the fever until my gf got home after 9pm from work. She felt my head, said I was burning up, took temperature, it was over 100F (don't recall exact number right now, 101.something).
I felt cold all day, and had full body pain, including my head, and I mean every muscle in my body.
Got out of bed twice all day, both times to deal with bowel problems. The second time to also deal with some work since I was on call and did not handle any calls, and I somehow got a post on this blog (odd that I got the post up fine, but my work emails are full of mistakes).
Tried to eat some soup but couldn't, each bite felt like it was going to trigger vomit.
Took flu medications, and a cocktail of muscle relaxers. I got no immediate relief.
Things started getting better on Sunday, fever went away, pain went away for the most part but was replaced with weakness. I can still barely walk, the legs are just weak, and not really in pain.
On Sunday afternoon, I ate something for the first time since Friday afternoon.
When the gf said I had a fever, it made sense why I was feeling the way I was. I know enough about MS to know a fever can be bad news. The body temperature rises and can cause issues with your nerves. Researching the issue, some info points to a pseudo-exacerbation, which I was told I have had before, but it was not fever/illness related.
This was the first fever that I know of since I have had MS. I will try to recognize it quicker in the future.
Part of me knows I should get more rest, but I am tired of being in bed. Spent about 36hrs in bed from Friday pm to Sunday am (not sure if my math is off but sounds right) with only leaving the bed for short periods of time. Didn't turn on tv until Sunday afternoon, didn't even feel well enough to watch it as odd as that sounds..
I slept a lot of the time in bed, but kept waking up and staying awake for a bit in the middle of the night. I can't be surprised by that though.
I have to work this week, taking time off is not an option. Hope to get some cannabis today, that should help ease some minor pains and sleeping through the night.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
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