It is really hard to give a shit about anything right now. I am fighting this depression with all I have, but I constantly feel like I am losing this fight.
I have ZERO happiness in my life right now. That is not a whiny, pouting statement, I have NOTHING that makes me happy right now. Nothing that even makes me crack a smile.
Even talking to family right now is bothersome because I have to turn on some bullshit persona, and its tiring.
The volunteer stuff has not filled a void in my life like I hoped. How big is this fucking void?
Legs are giving me trouble, mainly the right leg. This will only prevent me from spending more time at the shelter, and another reminder I cannot accomplish the simple and few things in life I do want to do... I never asked for or expected much out of life. Is this why it has turned out the way it has? Because I was content with a small house, regular car, a love and a dog? What more was I supposed to want? Is this life's way of telling me I wasn't living it enough, and I should have desired more?
I didn't NEED anything else though. I don't need the big house, expensive car, etc... That's all shit. Things.
I just want my old life back, and I would only ask for parts of it. I can deal with the MS. I am having the hardest time dealing with the lost of my dog and love. If I could just have my two girls back... I don't even want God back. Just the mutual love I had for the dog and the girlfriend.
Please wake up. Please wake up. I need to wake up. I hope I do. I don't care as a fetus or a man on his deathbed. Part of me refuses to accept this as my reality.
Seem to be going back to losing sleep. Taking a long time to fall asleep, waking up and staying awake.
I was up at 4:30am and eventually decided to put a post up. I am thinking some shit in my head is keeping me up, and it probably is.
I am nearly out of smoke otherwise I could smoke and get me to sleep and stay there. I have been conserving the cannabis since it will be near the end of February before I get more, this is mainly due to availability and finances. I will be out in the next day or two.
Girlfriend and I are still not talking much. It's been going on for almost a year now. Some days I feel like just telling her it's time to call it quits. I have certain dates stuck in my head of various things that happened this time last year regarding her cheating and its nearly impossible to not think about.
I keep thinking I need a completely fresh start. Get rid of her, sell nearly everything I own, and move. Maybe even a new job, which would be kind of stupid. I have a perfect job for someone with MS.
I need results now in my life. I am not going to sit here January 2013 writing the same bullshit that I am today.
Another post written in tears...
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Update 1/28
Woke up and felt like a champ this morning. Maybe a former champ but I felt ok. No hangover, just my normal bullshit. That will probably be the only drink I have this year. Reminded me again why I don't drink. I guess it was more the double vision than anything. I did throw up and that was a first since my late teens. But I think the combo of the big chicken dinner, too many drinks too fast, and the kicker was the dope smoking. I was good until I smoked a joint. Never once got sick smoking pot by itself.
Went to the animal shelter volunteer orientation today. That was nice. Everything is straight forward and simple. I was pleased to hear that they don't schedule you on anything. You come and go as you please, and there is no assigned tasks to any one person. You can do whatever you feel like doing that day. Be it walk dogs, play with them, clean kennels, wash dishes, etc...
I might go to that church again tomorrow and maybe stop by the shelter and walk a couple dogs on my way home. I live outside town so might as well "get two birds stoned at once".
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Went to the animal shelter volunteer orientation today. That was nice. Everything is straight forward and simple. I was pleased to hear that they don't schedule you on anything. You come and go as you please, and there is no assigned tasks to any one person. You can do whatever you feel like doing that day. Be it walk dogs, play with them, clean kennels, wash dishes, etc...
I might go to that church again tomorrow and maybe stop by the shelter and walk a couple dogs on my way home. I live outside town so might as well "get two birds stoned at once".
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
Drunk Post
Well I am fucked up right now. I may regret even getting on here in the morning. This equals a drunk phone call to a friend late at night...
I am not a drinker, the last drink I had was on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th), and I only had one. Before that, I can honestly not remember.
My girlfriend called on her way home and asked if I needed anything and I told her a pint of whiskey. She brought that home along with some fried chicken. Haven't had fried chicken dinner in a long time.
Anyways, after dinner I slammed that pint. I mean it was gone within and hour or so, got good and fucked up.
I did it for three reasons, 1. Just like standing in the rain, I wanted to feel something different for a moment. 2. I wanted to remind myself how much I do not like drinking and to get this one out of the way. Sort of a reminder that turning to booze would never be an answer for me. 3. Taxes
I got double vision drunk, and was instantly reminded and really placed back into early 2011 when I had optic neuritis. I did not like that feeling.
I was doing fine until I smoked some pot, that will take you somewhere else. I actually think pot gets a bad rap because people smoke it after drinking, and get really fucked up and do something really fucking stupid.
You should not mix the two. Get drunk, or get stoned, not both.
Didn't take long after smoking the chicken and liquor was churning and needed to go.
I guess at the time of writing this I am still feeling right but I have since puked up most of my chicken and liquor, so I feel like I have it together. I think I am keeping up with my punctuation and grammar here. I am however smoking more. I laid in bed for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted to smoke a cigarette, and put a post up. See how I could articulate things in this state of mind.
Random thoughts:
I have been trying to set some goals lately. Plan a next step so I have some kind of direction.
I've been looking into cabins for rent in various decriminalized states. I want to downsize. I am in a three bedroom that's too big. This house got bigger when my dog died. The acreage and house feel like a waste right now. I put away a hand towel that says "a home without a dog is just a house". It was one of the last in drawer. We both avoided using it, so I just put it in her box.
I have a fantasy in mind of living in a Yurt. It would certainly be a downsize, but a way to return to the simpler person I used to be. I didn't need things. Didn't get a tv and cable until the last 7 years, and that was the girlfriend begging for it. I rarely watch tv as it is. Watch a few dark/dry humor shows and the occasional movie.
Watched Rum Diary and The Big Year. Rum Diary was not as good as I hoped but I parts of it enough to not stop.
The Big Year was a surprise. I only watched it because of Steve Martin and John Cleese (in my opinion, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson are the same character in every single one of their own movies, AND they are not the only actors like that). It opened with "This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed" It was about people who are "Birders". They seek all species of birds. Three varying characters have their adventure to have "The Big Year", meaning finding a record breaking amount of different birds. It was presented like a nature film on man and his quest for these birds. (Cleese narrates)
Birding, to each their own.
Feeling pretty good right now. Good night/day.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
I am not a drinker, the last drink I had was on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th), and I only had one. Before that, I can honestly not remember.
My girlfriend called on her way home and asked if I needed anything and I told her a pint of whiskey. She brought that home along with some fried chicken. Haven't had fried chicken dinner in a long time.
Anyways, after dinner I slammed that pint. I mean it was gone within and hour or so, got good and fucked up.
I did it for three reasons, 1. Just like standing in the rain, I wanted to feel something different for a moment. 2. I wanted to remind myself how much I do not like drinking and to get this one out of the way. Sort of a reminder that turning to booze would never be an answer for me. 3. Taxes
I got double vision drunk, and was instantly reminded and really placed back into early 2011 when I had optic neuritis. I did not like that feeling.
I was doing fine until I smoked some pot, that will take you somewhere else. I actually think pot gets a bad rap because people smoke it after drinking, and get really fucked up and do something really fucking stupid.
You should not mix the two. Get drunk, or get stoned, not both.
Didn't take long after smoking the chicken and liquor was churning and needed to go.
I guess at the time of writing this I am still feeling right but I have since puked up most of my chicken and liquor, so I feel like I have it together. I think I am keeping up with my punctuation and grammar here. I am however smoking more. I laid in bed for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted to smoke a cigarette, and put a post up. See how I could articulate things in this state of mind.
Random thoughts:
I have been trying to set some goals lately. Plan a next step so I have some kind of direction.
I've been looking into cabins for rent in various decriminalized states. I want to downsize. I am in a three bedroom that's too big. This house got bigger when my dog died. The acreage and house feel like a waste right now. I put away a hand towel that says "a home without a dog is just a house". It was one of the last in drawer. We both avoided using it, so I just put it in her box.
I have a fantasy in mind of living in a Yurt. It would certainly be a downsize, but a way to return to the simpler person I used to be. I didn't need things. Didn't get a tv and cable until the last 7 years, and that was the girlfriend begging for it. I rarely watch tv as it is. Watch a few dark/dry humor shows and the occasional movie.
Watched Rum Diary and The Big Year. Rum Diary was not as good as I hoped but I parts of it enough to not stop.
The Big Year was a surprise. I only watched it because of Steve Martin and John Cleese (in my opinion, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson are the same character in every single one of their own movies, AND they are not the only actors like that). It opened with "This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed" It was about people who are "Birders". They seek all species of birds. Three varying characters have their adventure to have "The Big Year", meaning finding a record breaking amount of different birds. It was presented like a nature film on man and his quest for these birds. (Cleese narrates)
Birding, to each their own.
Feeling pretty good right now. Good night/day.
"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"
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