on thin ice

I know what I need to write about and document, but for periods of time I would sit here blank, partly in confusion and disbelief, wondering why this is my story to write. Some sort of depression sets in and I have to fight back tears at times. At one time writing seemed to make me feel better but it clearly doesn't anymore. The issues still exist and are still very real after I hit publish. The numbness and the wrecked car are problems that no amount of discussion make any easier.

I decided to spend the long Christmas weekend with the cellmate's family up north. What a fucking mistake.
Two days before the trip my body starts to warn me. My left leg has gone numb, so it joins my right hand, and parts of my right side/leg. The numbness covers the leg and my left nut. I cannot express my concern of dealing with a numb dick.

I haven't written about her and will not go into too much detail, but the cellmate's mom is bipolar (family says bipolar, I say crazy bitch) and has gradually gotten worse. She has extreme highs and lows within a single day. I cannot handle her shit. She is a noise nazi. She must control the sound space around her. No two conversations can happen in the same room at the same time. No one can eat food unless she is eating because she will hear you. She is a bully. She has a history of physical violence and will threaten anyone with an ass kicking, even her own fucking mother. Its a high-stress environment that I do not do well in.

Tried to leave the area and weather was really bad but was due to get worse. Cellmate was driving and hit a patch of ice on a bridge causing the car to lose control and hit a wall. There was damage and the car could not be driven. Sat in the blizzard conditions for about an hour getting everything sorted on the phone. Got it towed, left in a rental the next day, still waiting to know what the extent of damage is. I was warned it might get totaled (gets paid off in April).
What the fuck... I am glad we are ok and no one got hurt.. but what the fuck man...


Enough of that shit. More on numbness, in the northern cold I was able to get in tune with my body some more and take note of certain things.
The numbness appears to be on the outside of my skin on the top layer (Epidermis), maybe a couple centimeters more or less, I have no idea how deep. Any pain or sensation bypasses the numb space and picks up right where it would have been (maybe in the Dermis?). So you are left with very sudden and painful feelings. You cannot feel a pinch until a certain point and then it comes at once..not sure how else to describe it. For all I know, that is exactly how standard limb numbness goes, it varies on depth.
I also have an issue if I drop my head down, it feels like a rubber band inside me has been pulled tight.
This issue came up a couple months ago but I couldn't fully figure out the weird feeling. I had lesions on my spine, and I think one has developed in an area when the head goes down that point is being moved or disturbed. I can only guess. I will bring it up with a doctor when I see one.

Application for federal insurance is awaiting approval. Neurologist referral request has been made. I will be seeing an MS specialist. I will give it their way another go since my way has not been working either. At some point, we may all just have to accept that there is no way.

Moved on.

Completed a move 120 miles from where I called home for almost three years. Moved to another state but stayed in the mountains in this region. The nearest major city I used to live by had less than 40,000 people there, this new city has nearly a million. Still living in the country, about 15 minutes outside the metropolis area.
I was getting a little nervous that I was not going to move until after the spring which would have been ok, I would have managed but the home I was in was up for sale and had to deal with people coming and going.
I had pretty much given up on the search after making the 2+ hour ride here several times in last couple months to view multiple places only to find some sort of bullshit problem or another. Every single place had a deal breaker. I was sick of making the drive and had decided to wait until spring. Then one morning this placed popped up, went to see it that afternoon and jumped on it. Within a week we were packed and moving thanks to the cell mate and her hard work.

The move was typical shit for me. Hired labor to load/unload and I drove..lots of things went wrong and I won't rehash the bullshit. From the morning crew being late and weak (hired 3, got 1.5) to me hitting a curb and fucking up the rental truck wheel.
Its over with, paid for and done..

It is larger than the last place which I did not want. I was ready to sell some stuff and downsize. But we got a good deal and its a nice place. The house is situated half way up a mountain side.
There is a fireplace. I have not had a fireplace in the home since I was a kid. It didn't take long before I had a truck load of wood delivered. There is a new heat pump that has not been used yet, only been burning wood. It has been very nice. I think more should be ordered so I don't run out mid-winter.We have had a fire going every single night. I have been enjoying that so far.

In the last year I have changed the way I eat. I had reached out to the local farms in my community and setup resources for nearly everything we consumed from veggies to meats and dairy. In some cases it was more expensive but in most it evened out. Much more food preparation and planing took place. We would get produce from a local stand or buy the occasional CSA box from a farm and based food for the week around the varying veggies that came in that box.
There are endless amounts of shitty fast food here and the population apparently enjoys it as they are fatter than fuck.
I have already setup my resources already for local dairy and poultry. This state allows raw milk to be sold, but you must own a share of the cow. A neighbor has farm fresh brown eggs.
I am working on the meat, there are local farms with grass fed meats available. Produce will show itself as spring/summer rolls around. I doubt I will find a nearby stand with produce that is self service and on the honor system. I had two right by my old house, I will certainly miss that convenience and trust in humans...

I researched Neurologist here over the weekend. I need to send a referral request to my old doctor and get setup with a new one here. There is a MS specialist in this city so I will make an appointment to see him as well. Maybe see the specialist once a year or so. I need to see him at least once to get an opinion on my shitty progress.

I have already reached out to my local MS groups. Since the city is so large there are five different groups (sponsored by NMSS), one is a men's only group. Before moving I had checked the NMSS calendar for the area and there is a pharma sponsored dinner at some fancy restaurant coming up, put in my RSVP for it and looking forward to meeting people in this new city.

I spoke with a guy who runs one of the meetings and he said there are some younger people in the group from 20-30 years old. While I hate for anyone to have MS I hope to meet someone my age that I can connect with.
Cannabis is another issue I have to deal with here. I hope with the number of people at these meetings I can easily get in touch with someone. I will travel a couple hours to my old town if needed but I don't think it will come to that...

Time will tell if I can get comfortable here.