Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Update 6/20

A lot has happened since the last post, been way too busy with various bullshit. Still walking with a cane. I have tried to leave it at times but I will lose my balance or I have trouble getting out of a chair...
I put in the request to start the Tysabri process. Contacted Tysabri about the financial assistance program so information is coming in on that. I will start it after they do the blood work to test for PML. I was sweating last night thinking about the blood work and infusions... I don't know yet how I will deal with the needles...

Last Wednesday I received word that my ailing 80 year old grandfather (last grandfather I have) was diagnosed with cancer and that it was in multiple locations.
He had just been up to visit me in April, but that trip was hard on him. I wanted to see him before he got in bad shape. I would not be able to visit him once he turned for the worst.
I left the next day and drove 14 hours (airlines are too expensive). It was a rough ride but got it done.
First night, storm rolled in and power was out from 2am to 10am. During that time there was panic because there was barely enough oxygen to get him through that time span. Next morning the water well quit so there was no water... There was plenty of small bullshit but the biggest problem was the heat. Fuck, was it hot. 95 degrees mid day, and 90 at night. Where I live, it had been in the 60's for the week before the trip.
It was humid, more than I remember. I grew up in this town and don't remember it being as hot and humid. I was swearing at myself every time I went to have a cigarette, and it never failed that my Grandfather would go smoke shortly after I would come in, and looking to spend every moment I could with him, I would follow him and deal with the heat more.  
I left Sunday and headed home. Another rough ride, rougher than the way there, but that is not unusual.
I will miss him dearly. He is a very nice guy, never raised his voice at me ever. If he ever got angry with me, he never showed it.

A couple days after getting back, I had to make another trip that was planned. Met my dad in a city that is about 4 hours south and took him to a concert on his 50th birthday. It was a lot of fun, concert was great.
My sister flew into that town the next day. We ran around town, enjoyed some food and took a tour of a  major league baseball stadium.
One thing I want to mention about this tour... I didn't think anything of it until my sister and cellmate raised hell about it later, but the tour guide, after I had already managed 3 flights of stairs, I was asked in the middle of the tour if I need an elevator "because I am clearly having trouble with the stairs".... well no shit bitch.
I was just happy to get the option at the time since the next step was 8 flights of stairs down to the bottom of the stadium (got to go in the dugout!). She whispered to me that she preferred the stairs since her knees are bad. The girls were more offended and pissed than I was. 
My sister rode back with me with my dad following and they visited at my place for a couple days.
It was a nice visit, I don't recall a single thing going wrong. The weather was still perfect.

Life in prison sucks. My cellmate can be real sweet sometimes, show a loving/caring side, but then a switch flips and she is the most spiteful, hateful, bitch I know.
The time spent with the bitch overshadow any time with the sweetie.
I have had the feeling for a long time that this will not work out in the end. That becomes prevalent when I think of my future and mull various options, that I always think of it in two parts, with her, without her.
I live with enough regrets that I must be careful about this decision. I am at a crossroads with moving across state lines again. I am tired of the bullshit games. I will not move her with me if this is not going to work.
I have an opportunity to move to a new state and begin a new life (with the fucking MS).
If I move with her, I am afraid it will only feel like transferring to a new prison.

1 comment:

  1. Good to see you are writing again. I am really sorry about your grandfather, but then again, glad you got to spend time with him. Sounds like you had a really got relationship, and you managed to be with him although it was a lot of effort to you.
    Really good to hear about your time spent with your father and sister! I am glad you enjoyed it.

    I think everyone who have been reading your blog think you should leave your girlfriend. It doesn`t sound like a good relationship. But of course it`s only you who can decide and who know all aspects of it. I wish you the very best, and I am happy if you get to leave your prison!!
    I am thinking of you!
    Big hug