Take another little piece of my heart...

My 8 year old yellow lab had to get put down on Saturday. She was my true companion through everything that happened this year. I will miss her to no end.
Friday was like any other day, we played with a ball several times like we do any other day, she was loving and seeking love like she does any other day. Late in the afternoon she suddenly became lethargic. She didn't want to go outside, she didn't want to do anything. We knew something was wrong when she didn't even want a snack (this dog would do anything for a snack...)
Late Friday night she eventually came outside with me, but she ended up laying down in the yard and wouldn't get up. I had to go help her up and help her inside. I knew that dog better than anyone and I could tell something was bad wrong. She was babied the rest of the night until I had to get some sleep.
Saturday morning I woke up early and first thing was checking on her. She was already awake and not moving. I managed to get two tail wags out of her.
Took her to the vet the moment they opened. They did xrays, and a sonogram. She had a large mass that had grown and was pushing on her organs.
I authorized exploratory surgery. They found a cancerous mass that had ruptured her intestines and bacteria was infecting her body. The mass had attached itself onto multiple organs and was not going to be able to be removed.
We were left with no other decision than to let her go. It was so sudden we still are having a hard time accepting that it actually happened. We lost a daughter and a best friend that day...

This dog was special. A lot of people say a certain dog was the best dog ever, I would argue to no end that mine was in fact the best dog ever. She was the sweetest dog I ever met. Never growled or snapped at anyone. Loved every person regardless of how we felt about them.
Her passion was playing with a ball, swimming and snacks. Maybe snacks are ahead, but its hard to tell what she loved more out of the three, but I like to think that she loved us more than those things.
Her and I had a connection, there were times before and after my diagnosis, it seemed that she was trying to tell me something. She would lean up against me and nudge me for love, she did this more than ever before and during my exacerbations.
Work on Monday is going to be hard because she would join me in my office and sleep in a big chair next to my desk every day. I have many pictures of her doing that, sometimes she would roll on her back looking funny in the process. At times she would start snoring or having dog dreams, and I would have a client ask me over the phone what that sound was, I had no shame, no worry about professionalism, to let me know that was my dog sleeping next to me.

I will forever miss her.



I cannot publish this post without disclosing what happened following the decision to let her go.
We got in the car to leave at the vet, my gf and I are a complete mess. I started having this weird wave come over my body, before I knew it I suddenly could not move my hands, my face, and my legs barely moved. My mouth would not move, I was able to mumble to her that I couldn't move. My hands had retracted into a locked position near to my body. My face was in a fast twitch.  Using my legs I tried pushing myself into the passenger seat, couldn't get over without help. She quickly raced the ER. When I got to the ER, I slowly regained movement, first in my legs, then in my face, left arm, and then eventually my right arm. It took about 30 minutes, maybe longer for everything to come back. In the meantime we are waiting in ER. They took my vitals, and asked us to wait. After being in the ER (in a overflow waiting room) for about an hour, I could walk and decided for myself that I was ok. I got out of the wheelchair and left it in its spot and we snuck out a side entrance and headed home.
There were many tears on the ride home, but I tried my best to calm down. I could recognize that episode was due to the stress and shock of the situation.
When we got home and realizing this home no longer has her, seeing her empty bed, her toys on the floor, and her hair stuck to everything, it was less than a minute of walking the house I had another attack or episode, whatever its called. Again this one lasted another 30 minutes or so. I mumbled to the gf give me a zanaflex. She had to put it in my mouth and give me water since I could not move my hands. After a while I could walk but not move my hands she quickly rolled a joint and I smoked that. It seemed to help out a lot. Helped calm me down. It was one of the single most scary moments I have ever lived through. The optic neuritis this year was scary but gradually came and went over time. This thing came fast and I thought while it was happening that it was going to be permanent, and if not permanent, what were the residual affects going to be? Today I had no problems other than complete body weakness, and everything feels pretty sore.
My heart feels the worst. It is truly broken.

(photo and info removed to maintain some anonymity)