I had my appointment with psychologist yesterday. We went over and addressed some of the issues and thoughts I have had for a while.
I want to note that her husband did pass from cancer in the last two weeks. So I kept my thoughts on cancer to myself. But I did explain how I feel about my lack of desire to live out this life and how out-living my parents appear to be my only goal right now.
She echoed the same thing I have thought and others have told me, that I need to get a hobby, and I need to get out and socialize more. She feels that I am creating a great distance from other people and society in general when I don't leave my house for 2 weeks at a time like I have been lately.
I mentioned to her, which I haven't here, but I shaved for the first time yesterday in over a month. I was bearded and carrying the typical depressed look. I do want to say, even though I was not shaving, I have always kept up on my hygiene, meaning I shower daily, I don't wear dirty clothes etc... Growing a full beard was out of character for me though, I usually stay close to clean shaved or just a little scruff.
She mentioned that while we were talking the only time I have smiled the last few visits is when we talk about dogs, or when her dog comes and loves on me. She reinforced the fact that I need to get a dog or get involved with them somehow. Her saying that had me tearing up for the first time in her office. Not sure what it was, don't know if it was me thinking about my dog, or the thought of getting another, or even the confirmation from someone that knows me well, that I do in fact need that companionship.
I looked up a few of the shelters in my area and tomorrow I will visit at least one of them to see about volunteering. I really would like to only get involved in walking them and playing with them if that's possible. I am sure they will take what they can get.
I figured it would be good for me and the dogs for us to walk each other. So we will see.
Apparently my girlfriend had a break down yesterday after I left for 2 hours of doctor visits. She got to thinking about our dog that passed recently. Her crying started up again when I discussed my doctor's recommendation to get a dog. We are both in agreement that we are not ready for a new dog, but she thought the volunteering was a good idea.
I called my PCP today and left a message. I wanted him to know the Ativan does nothing for me and see what he would like to do. I will also mention the hemorrhoids if he calls me back personally. I told the person that took the message that I had something personal to discuss if he had the time to call me back.
I have been seeing my psychologist once every three weeks because I felt that was enough (except with her husband in hospice we didn't meet for over a month), but she asked to see me again next week, and possible once a week for the next few weeks.
Showing posts with label dog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dog. Show all posts
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2011 Recap
I had written a long recount of how my life changed new years day last year, writing it was painful, and I felt like I was taking a step backwards from moving into a new year so I cleared every word.
I will instead just run down quickly how 2011 went down as the worst year I have survived.
-New Years Day 2011. Girlfriend is "out having drinks with the girls". Accidentally calls my phone to reveal she is alone with a guy. In the following days I obtain information that she is having an affair.
-Quickly double vision affects me. After a month of waiting it out, I see an Ophthalmologist. MRI are ordered. (Optic Neuritis lasted approx 5 months)
-Received call from Ophthalmologist and was informed I have MS, over the phone.
-Within a month, met with a neurologist who prescribed Rebif.
-Started treatment on Rebif. Immediately encountered side affects and site reactions.
-After 3+ months of Rebif and two exacerbation's, made the decision to remove myself from the medication.
-Neurologist agreed with my request to switch to Gilenya. Did all pretests and deemed an acceptable patient for Gilenya. Felt immediate relief from switch of medications. Although constipation arrived as a possible withdrawal issue from Rebif.
-In July the fighting with the girlfriend was at a boiling point. She moved to her parents in another state for about a month. Even after I told her I needed more time, she arrived back on her own. But as a lonely piece of shit, I did not refuse delivery.
-In November I lost my dog to cancer. It was a sudden and very hurtful lost. She was truly a special thing in my life.
-Shock of her death caused two major anxiety/panic attacks. Suffered complete lock up, could not move hands/arms/legs and could not talk. Each lasted about 45+ minutes. First wore off in ER and walked out, and the second at home.
-Trivial but, my car could not pass the state vehicle inspection due to the tint (which is legal in the state it came from). Had to remove nice tint. Less than two weeks later the car is hit in a parking lot. No note left, just a fuck you dent.
-Insomnia that lasted about three weeks due to Wellbutrin. Took a while to figure out the link between the two, and then get the sleep back after quitting.
-One more exacerbation to let me make sure I never forget 2011. It kicked me in the balls and stood on my back for over a week. The pain made its way to my legs causing alot of difficulty walking. Bowel and bladder issues got bad. I started Predisone steroids and gradually got better.
-And just to be annoyed, leading into the new year four people said they could acquire some cannabis for me to medicate, and it all fell through. I am left with pills and more pills to get right.
All I can do is try and make 2012 a better year, but I don't know what to do. I didn't bring 2011 on myself. There was plenty bullshit that happened that was simply out of my control.
I have many voids in my life right now I need to fill somehow. The love I had for my girlfriend died long ago and I poured even more love in to my dog who returned it unconditionally. But with her passing I am left with all of this love to give and I don't think She deserves it.
There is no "I love you", no hugging or kissing. We are roommates that sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex.
The dog was the last bit of glue that held us together, now that she is gone, I am left asking why do we bother trying to work it out together. There is so much resentment and the bad times have overshadowed the good times.
I found myself standing out in the snow tonight wishing I could jump ahead 30 years or what ever it takes just so I could out live my parents and grandparents. Just long enough that they don't have to see me go.
I care to see them around more than I do myself.
I will instead just run down quickly how 2011 went down as the worst year I have survived.
-New Years Day 2011. Girlfriend is "out having drinks with the girls". Accidentally calls my phone to reveal she is alone with a guy. In the following days I obtain information that she is having an affair.
-Quickly double vision affects me. After a month of waiting it out, I see an Ophthalmologist. MRI are ordered. (Optic Neuritis lasted approx 5 months)
-Received call from Ophthalmologist and was informed I have MS, over the phone.
-Within a month, met with a neurologist who prescribed Rebif.
-Started treatment on Rebif. Immediately encountered side affects and site reactions.
-After 3+ months of Rebif and two exacerbation's, made the decision to remove myself from the medication.
-Neurologist agreed with my request to switch to Gilenya. Did all pretests and deemed an acceptable patient for Gilenya. Felt immediate relief from switch of medications. Although constipation arrived as a possible withdrawal issue from Rebif.
-In July the fighting with the girlfriend was at a boiling point. She moved to her parents in another state for about a month. Even after I told her I needed more time, she arrived back on her own. But as a lonely piece of shit, I did not refuse delivery.
-In November I lost my dog to cancer. It was a sudden and very hurtful lost. She was truly a special thing in my life.
-Shock of her death caused two major anxiety/panic attacks. Suffered complete lock up, could not move hands/arms/legs and could not talk. Each lasted about 45+ minutes. First wore off in ER and walked out, and the second at home.
-Trivial but, my car could not pass the state vehicle inspection due to the tint (which is legal in the state it came from). Had to remove nice tint. Less than two weeks later the car is hit in a parking lot. No note left, just a fuck you dent.
-Insomnia that lasted about three weeks due to Wellbutrin. Took a while to figure out the link between the two, and then get the sleep back after quitting.
-One more exacerbation to let me make sure I never forget 2011. It kicked me in the balls and stood on my back for over a week. The pain made its way to my legs causing alot of difficulty walking. Bowel and bladder issues got bad. I started Predisone steroids and gradually got better.
-And just to be annoyed, leading into the new year four people said they could acquire some cannabis for me to medicate, and it all fell through. I am left with pills and more pills to get right.
All I can do is try and make 2012 a better year, but I don't know what to do. I didn't bring 2011 on myself. There was plenty bullshit that happened that was simply out of my control.
I have many voids in my life right now I need to fill somehow. The love I had for my girlfriend died long ago and I poured even more love in to my dog who returned it unconditionally. But with her passing I am left with all of this love to give and I don't think She deserves it.
There is no "I love you", no hugging or kissing. We are roommates that sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex.
The dog was the last bit of glue that held us together, now that she is gone, I am left asking why do we bother trying to work it out together. There is so much resentment and the bad times have overshadowed the good times.
I found myself standing out in the snow tonight wishing I could jump ahead 30 years or what ever it takes just so I could out live my parents and grandparents. Just long enough that they don't have to see me go.
I care to see them around more than I do myself.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Retired
Below is a picture of a shirt I quit wearing when my dog died. My girlfriend got me the shirt 4 or 5 years ago. Her along with everyone else felt it sums me up. It has a dude hanging out with his yellow dog, a baseball, and music playing. Life is was good. That shirt has been worn more than any shirt I own.
I have retired the shirt, its going into a box with her favorite toys, and her blanket.
I have retired the shirt, its going into a box with her favorite toys, and her blanket.
I think in the next few weeks I will go get my very first tattoo. I thought when I was younger I would get a bunch of them, but as I got older, I could never decide on something I could live with for the rest of my life.
I am so glad I scrapped the idea many times, the thought of some of the designs I was "serious" about, make my stomach turn.
I do have one design that is simple, and I know I could live with forever. I want to get her paw print on me somewhere. I have the impression of her paw that was made before she was cremated, and will use that to have an exact copy made. Don't know where I will get it, either over my heart, on arm or on back shoulder.
I haven't decided if I will get her name or any words done. Just the paw print is a good starting point.
I thought about "Shine on you crazy diamond" around the paw, but not sure about that. The song makes me think of her, but with enough time I could think of a hundred lyrical lines that make me think of her.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Update 12/19
Holy shit that christmas party was boring. There was a few hundred people there, but none of the younger people my girlfriend works with showed up. So we were stuck sitting at a table with old people that chat about the weather and other nonsense. My girlfriend and I were a little over dressed. She planned her outfit a week in advance, bought a nice dress, shoes, the whole thing. She was dressed to impress, but none of her regular co-workers showed up. I had to dress nicer than I normally would to keep up. We lasted less than an hour there.
Oh well, I did my part, shook hands and laughed at stupid unfunny jokes.
I increased my sleeping to about 6 hours last night, I hope I am getting this turned around. I started sleeping in my regular bed, but after an hour of not being able to sleep, I grabbed my pillow and went to the guest room. The bed is a little more comfortable in there. My bed is old and was a hand-me-down from my parents, don't know how long they had it before me. I am well past due for a new bed, but cannot afford one right now.
I got really pissed at work today, I wont go into too many details but basically they are starting to pay people for work that I have been doing for 10 years with no extra pay, and they start this shit after I move. I used the word "reparations" when expressing my issue with this, its probably too strong for this situation, but they got the point. I have worked for the same company for 12 years and counting, the part that pissed me off really wasn't the past work I have done, but I asked to take on the future work so I could make extra money, and I was told that it may upset the employees there since I would take away from their ability to make more.. Is that how an employee that has been with the company since it started is treated? When I started, there was only 5 employees total, now there is over 50. I have played an important part in building this company. I worked weekends and holidays for years to keep things going. I actually had clients cry when I told them I was moving, some have told me I am a reason they use our company (which I HATED to hear) and continue to get clients asking when I will be down there again to visit them.
All these years, regardless of how important I was told I was, I never grew any sense of entitlement. I never grew a big head like other employees have after working there for a year.
That said, I will not make a big deal about this, I will continue to do my job.
Waiting to hear from my Dad if he will come visit the week after christmas. I hope he does, I miss hanging out with him. He likes to hang out by a fire like I do, so yesterday I beat myself up a bit with all of that wood cutting incase he comes to visit, we will have alot of wood to burn. Anytime he has visited we usually hang out by the fire pit, smoke some joints and chat.
I forgot to mention, when I was hanging out by the fire yesterday, it was hard to not get upset. It was the first fire I had since my dog died, and when she was around, she would always hang out down there with me. If you went outside, she wanted to be outside.
To get a mental picture of the setup, the back of the property goes down a little on a slope. There is a wood deck where it levels out, and a few feet past the desk is a big fire pit made of stones that were found around the property that make a roughly 5 foot wide pit. Beyond that is a wooded area.
She always sat next to me on the deck, sometimes getting up to sniff around or chase a squirrel.
It's been hard because she was involved in nearly all facets of my life, even something as simple as sitting by a fire...
Oh well, I did my part, shook hands and laughed at stupid unfunny jokes.
I increased my sleeping to about 6 hours last night, I hope I am getting this turned around. I started sleeping in my regular bed, but after an hour of not being able to sleep, I grabbed my pillow and went to the guest room. The bed is a little more comfortable in there. My bed is old and was a hand-me-down from my parents, don't know how long they had it before me. I am well past due for a new bed, but cannot afford one right now.
I got really pissed at work today, I wont go into too many details but basically they are starting to pay people for work that I have been doing for 10 years with no extra pay, and they start this shit after I move. I used the word "reparations" when expressing my issue with this, its probably too strong for this situation, but they got the point. I have worked for the same company for 12 years and counting, the part that pissed me off really wasn't the past work I have done, but I asked to take on the future work so I could make extra money, and I was told that it may upset the employees there since I would take away from their ability to make more.. Is that how an employee that has been with the company since it started is treated? When I started, there was only 5 employees total, now there is over 50. I have played an important part in building this company. I worked weekends and holidays for years to keep things going. I actually had clients cry when I told them I was moving, some have told me I am a reason they use our company (which I HATED to hear) and continue to get clients asking when I will be down there again to visit them.
All these years, regardless of how important I was told I was, I never grew any sense of entitlement. I never grew a big head like other employees have after working there for a year.
That said, I will not make a big deal about this, I will continue to do my job.
Waiting to hear from my Dad if he will come visit the week after christmas. I hope he does, I miss hanging out with him. He likes to hang out by a fire like I do, so yesterday I beat myself up a bit with all of that wood cutting incase he comes to visit, we will have alot of wood to burn. Anytime he has visited we usually hang out by the fire pit, smoke some joints and chat.
I forgot to mention, when I was hanging out by the fire yesterday, it was hard to not get upset. It was the first fire I had since my dog died, and when she was around, she would always hang out down there with me. If you went outside, she wanted to be outside.
To get a mental picture of the setup, the back of the property goes down a little on a slope. There is a wood deck where it levels out, and a few feet past the desk is a big fire pit made of stones that were found around the property that make a roughly 5 foot wide pit. Beyond that is a wooded area.
She always sat next to me on the deck, sometimes getting up to sniff around or chase a squirrel.
It's been hard because she was involved in nearly all facets of my life, even something as simple as sitting by a fire...
(this is where I go to let my mind run off)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Tired
It always has to be something right?
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
Over the last few weeks I have picked up a problem sleeping. I haven't mentioned it here, since I assumed it would pass (and I haven't written that much).
I am getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep, but in the last week and half, its been almost right at 3 hours.
I will have trouble actually getting to sleep and when I finally do, I am awake shortly after. I have laid in bed for hours at a time after waking up. I do not get up or turn on tv.
I have tried everything I can think of. I have played with the different times of going to sleep. I do not watch tv before going to sleep. I have gotten on exercise bike and wore myself out before trying to sleep. Tried warm/hot tea. Too many things that I can't even think of right now. My mind has been getting shitty as this goes on.
One thing I have not done, that I am confident will help is smoke some pot. I have been out for about the same time the sleep issue showed up. Now there really isn't or shouldn't be a link. I have gone weeks or months at a time this year (and beyond) with no pot and I've been fine. It's been five months since I was getting it on a regular basis (I posted a story here about my old dude turning into a dick and putting rubber bands in the bag so it weighed out right).
Aside from the actual issue with sleeping, I have become alot more emotional lately. I am crying out of nowhere. I am not a crier. Until this year, I was a very strong and kept things in check. Your typical "man". I have woken up alot of nights and I might start thinking about my dog and the crying starts. Yesterday I called my grandparents to see how they were doing, I talk to my grandmother every couple weeks. My grandfather picked up the phone and caught me off guard, we chatted for a few, and I lied to him and told him I was perfectly fine, I don't have the heart to tell him I feel the same age he is. I started crying the moment he went to hand the phone to my grandmother. I don't know what cause it, I do miss him, but I have talked to him a few times since I moved.
I have started crying at work for no reason. Luckily I work from home and can hide that. I don't recall what has sparked it, I know my dog is the most common thought that starts the crying.
I called my psychologist yesterday morning because I felt like I was having a break down. She was unavailable, she called me that night apologizing that she had not received my message due to being out for personal reasons. She talked to me for a bit over the phone, she is very concerned with the sleeping thing. urged me to get in touch with my neurologist. I do not want to take any more fucking pills!
I was scheduled Tuesday to see her, and she offered to see me today, I think I will just wait until Tuesday.
I am going to hunt down some pot this weekend, somehow, someway. I live in a town with mostly hippies, hipsters and dope heads. Its an artsy town and everyone smokes, I am just not forward enough with that subject to just ask someone, but they are.
We were sitting at a restaurant in downtown on an outdoor seating area. A guy with a backpack walks up and asks if he can borrow 20 cents to make a call, then asks if anyone smokes. My girlfriends shitty friend (the one that gave me rubber bands) said yes, and the guy hops over the rail, and proceeds to pull out a big mason jar with pot in it, along with a scale, and also offers hash.
We are downtown in the wide open. The waitress brings by our food and she starts checking out what the guy has, then the cook comes out and buys some shit off of him.
Anyways, that's the town I live in. Point is, there is alot of dope in this town, I just need to find it.
If I cannot hunt some down by Saturday, I will drink myself to sleep. I am not a drinker, I have had one whiskey and coke this year and that was on May 5th (easy to remember, it was Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence Day) and we had people over).
Aside from being a bit disgusted with it because of the girlfriends drinking problem, I just lost my taste for it.
I have used Gilenya as an excuse at times because of the liver issues that can arise from it.
I will drink myself shitty this weekend if I have too. I just do not want to take anymore pills.
And I will close this with one more bit of shit. Really the only person in this town that I have/had become friends with suddenly moved. I called him yesterday to see what he was up to, and he said he packed up and moved to another state to be with an old girlfriend. I am happy for him, he was in rough shape here. He was an alcoholic, lived by himself and just drank his days away. In the last couple months he was fighting it though, he wanted to stop, but the loneliness of not having a girl and the daily grind was getting to him.
While the drinking was something I did not like about him, he wasn't a sloppy or mean drunk. He was pretty relaxed so it was tolerable. He would always come over with his guitar and jam away, he's good at it.
One of my fond recent memories of my dog is she would lay at his feet while he played guitar. She took a liking to him. Sometimes he would drink too much here and we would let him sleep in the guest room. My dog would crawl up in the bed with him and spoon all night.
Again I am happy for him, hope this was a good move for him. I was a little upset that he didn't give us any warning. I had worked on a older computer I had laying around and I was getting it ready to give him closer to christmas. He didn't have a computer, and I don't like to hear of anyone without one.
So just another friend that has come and gone and I am back to zero friends. That is no exaggeration, I have none in this town. I wouldn't even know him if it wasn't for my girlfriend meeting him at her old job and becoming drinking buddies.
I had plenty of friends in the town I grew up in and moved away from them. I have not been in contact with them. I didn't leave anyone a way to reach me. I have different phone numbers and I don't have a facebook account. I have sort of disappeared. Only one friend knows where I moved, and that's because I bumped into him right before I left. I didn't visit him before I moved like he asked. I felt like a dick for that because we were friends since early teens.
Well this shit is running as long as the day is. Blue eyes have turned red.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)