Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Update 1/31

It is really hard to give a shit about anything right now. I am fighting this depression with all I have, but I constantly feel like I am losing this fight.
I have ZERO happiness in my life right now. That is not a whiny, pouting statement, I have NOTHING that makes me happy right now. Nothing that even makes me crack a smile.
Even talking to family right now is bothersome because I have to turn on some bullshit persona, and its tiring.
The volunteer stuff has not filled a void in my life like I hoped. How big is this fucking void?

Legs are giving me trouble, mainly the right leg. This will only prevent me from spending more time at the shelter, and another reminder I cannot accomplish the simple and few things in life I do want to do... I never asked for or expected much out of life. Is this why it has turned out the way it has? Because I was content with a small house, regular car, a love and a dog? What more was I supposed to want? Is this life's way of telling me I wasn't living it enough, and I should have desired more?
I didn't NEED anything else though. I don't need the big house, expensive car, etc... That's all shit. Things.

I just want my old life back, and I would only ask for parts of it. I can deal with the MS. I am having the hardest time dealing with the lost of my dog and love. If I could just have my two girls back... I don't even want God back. Just the mutual love I had for the dog and the girlfriend.
Please wake up. Please wake up. I need to wake up. I hope I do. I don't care as a fetus or a man on his deathbed. Part of me refuses to accept this as my reality.

Seem to be going back to losing sleep. Taking a long time to fall asleep, waking up and staying awake.
I was up at 4:30am and eventually decided to put a post up. I am thinking some shit in my head is keeping me up, and it probably is.
I am nearly out of smoke otherwise I could smoke and get me to sleep and stay there. I have been conserving the cannabis since it will be near the end of February before I get more, this is mainly due to availability and finances. I will be out in the next day or two.

Girlfriend and I are still not talking much. It's been going on for almost a year now. Some days I feel like just telling her it's time to call it quits. I have certain dates stuck in my head of various things that happened this time last year regarding her cheating and its nearly impossible to not think about.
I keep thinking I need a completely fresh start. Get rid of her, sell nearly everything I own, and move. Maybe even a new job, which would be kind of stupid. I have a perfect job for someone with MS.
I need results now in my life. I am not going to sit here January 2013 writing the same bullshit that I am today.

Another post written in tears...

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Monday, January 30, 2012

Oh Shit!

I instantly thought I was in this picture...

Oh Shit: Night Arrow! by Safwat Saleem

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Update 1/28

Woke up and felt like a champ this morning. Maybe a former champ but I felt ok. No hangover, just my normal bullshit. That will probably be the only drink I have this year. Reminded me again why I don't drink. I guess it was more the double vision than anything. I did throw up and that was a first since my late teens. But I think the combo of the big chicken dinner, too many drinks too fast, and the kicker was the dope smoking. I was good until I smoked a joint. Never once got sick smoking pot by itself.

Went to the animal shelter volunteer orientation today. That was nice. Everything is straight forward and simple. I was pleased to hear that they don't schedule you on anything. You come and go as you please, and there is no assigned tasks to any one person. You can do whatever you feel like doing that day. Be it walk dogs, play with them, clean kennels, wash dishes, etc...

I might go to that church again tomorrow and maybe stop by the shelter and walk a couple dogs on my way home. I live outside town so might as well "get two birds stoned at once".

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Drunk Post

Well I am fucked up right now. I may regret even getting on here in the morning. This equals a drunk phone call to a friend late at night...
I am not a drinker, the last drink I had was on Cinco de Mayo (May 5th), and I only had one. Before that, I can honestly not remember.
My girlfriend called on her way home and asked if I needed anything and I told her a pint of whiskey. She brought that home along with some fried chicken. Haven't had fried chicken dinner in a long time.
Anyways, after dinner I slammed that pint. I mean it was gone within and hour or so, got good and fucked up.
I did it for three reasons, 1. Just like standing in the rain, I wanted to feel something different for a moment. 2. I wanted to remind myself how much I do not like drinking and to get this one out of the way. Sort of a reminder that turning to booze would never be an answer for me. 3. Taxes
I got double vision drunk, and was instantly reminded and really placed back into early 2011 when I had optic neuritis. I did not like that feeling.

I was doing fine until I smoked some pot, that will take you somewhere else. I actually think pot gets a bad rap because people smoke it after drinking, and get really fucked up and do something really fucking stupid.
You should not mix the two. Get drunk, or get stoned, not both.
Didn't take long after smoking the chicken and liquor was churning and needed to go.

I guess at the time of writing this I am still feeling right but I have since puked up most of my chicken and liquor, so I feel like I have it together. I think I am keeping up with my punctuation and grammar here. I am however smoking more. I laid in bed for about 30 minutes and decided I wanted to smoke a cigarette, and put a post up. See how I could articulate things in this state of mind.



Random thoughts:
I have been trying to set some goals lately. Plan a next step so I have some kind of direction.
I've been looking into cabins for rent in various decriminalized states. I want to downsize. I am in a three bedroom that's too big. This house got bigger when my dog died. The acreage and house feel like a waste right now. I put away a hand towel that says "a home without a dog is just a house". It was one of the last in drawer. We both avoided using it, so I just put it in her box.
I have a fantasy in mind of living in a Yurt. It would certainly be a downsize, but a way to return to the simpler person I used to be. I didn't need things. Didn't get a tv and cable until the last 7 years, and that was the girlfriend begging for it. I rarely watch tv as it is. Watch a few dark/dry humor shows and the occasional movie.
Watched Rum Diary and The Big Year. Rum Diary was not as good as I hoped but I parts of it enough to not stop.
The Big Year was a surprise. I only watched it because of Steve Martin and John Cleese (in my opinion, Jack Black, and Owen Wilson are the same character in every single one of their own movies, AND they are not the only actors like that). It opened with "This is a true story. Only the facts have been changed" It was about people who are "Birders". They seek all species of birds. Three varying characters have their adventure to have "The Big Year", meaning finding a record breaking amount of different birds. It was presented like a nature film on man and his quest for these birds. (Cleese narrates)
Birding, to each their own.

Feeling pretty good right now. Good night/day.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Friday, January 27, 2012

Trying to find my missing peace/piece.

I have had some things to say this week but I have just tried staying off the computer while I am not working and spend more time outside. It has gotten oddly warm for this time of the year. Fucking bees are out and shit in late January which is unusual for this state and time of year.

Went to my PCP this week so we could discuss my issues with medications. I stopped taking the Valium after a week. I felt no effects from it. I was taking 10mg which is the highest dose. I took two and still felt nothing. Saturday afternoon I took two Valium and two Zanaflex and did not get the least bit drowsy. No feeling up or down, just my typical "fuck this life" feeling.
The visit was basically a waste of time and money. He recommended since Benzo meds are doing nothing that I go back to SSRI's (anti-depressants). I told him I was not interested. We discussed my cannabis use.
I will be sticking to Gilenya and Cannabis as long as I can. I cannot always get pot, but when I run out this time, I will start back up on Marinol. Its been almost 3 months since I have taken it, any tolerance I developed should have passed and I may get a couple months use out of it again.

Relationship with girlfriend is at its usual standstill. We rarely talk. I have decided that if things don't change by late spring or summer, she will be asked to leave. Most people would have done it already, but we are talking about a 11 year relationship, that until last year I would have done anything for that girl. I would have killed or be killed. Its hard to throw that away, even though she turned me into the garbage.

I had a couple moments of clarity last night. It was about 60 degrees (F) outside, wind gusts were hitting in the 30's (MPH). So it was nice out, cool and windy. I stood outside with my buzz and let the wind whip around me. For moments, and I don't know how long they lasted, seconds, minutes, or what, but I had moments of no pain. Nothing concerned me. I felt peace if only for minutes while the wind wreaked havoc on the forest around me.
Later in the evening I went out again to smoke, and it was lightly raining, a little more than a misting rain, it felt nice. While my girlfriend hid in the shelter from part of the house to prevent getting wet, I stood in it looking for my peace again.
I couldn't quite find it because she was nagging me to get out of the rain. After the third or fourth time she told me to get out of the rain, I turned and snapped that "I want to feel something different than what I feel right now". She shut up and didn't say another word.

I have orientation tomorrow for the volunteering at the dog shelter. Looking forward to it. I don't look forward to much these days.

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Monday, January 23, 2012

Living life in reverse

I have been trying to get my shit together, but something always comes up, fucks me and puts me back in my place. I feel like this malaise is my place.

First medication, Valium (10mg) continues to do nothing. I took two blood pressure tests before the Valium and three at different times after taking it, and there was no change. Not that there should/shouldn't be, I am not a doctor and was looking for some number changes if there were any.
I took two Valium and two Zanaflex and did not get drowsy at all. What is wrong with me?
I have a doctor appointment next week so we can try and work this out.

In the last few days I have reached out to old friends, I got on Skype for the first time, and made all of my immediate family get on it. We all have web camera's so I figure why not. Its two thousand and fucking twelve.
So I had multiple Skype chats with various family members. At one time I got to chat with my dad that was at another family members house so I got to see and talk to various family members that I haven't seen years.
It was nice and I enjoyed it, although there was endless questions about how I am doing, and I followed those with endless lies.

Today I went to (a) church for the first time in nearly 15 years. This wasn't your typical church. It is a church that centers around creationism, and they celebrate life more than idolizing a god. While there is mention of god, and the holy spirit, it is not the focal point. I did not see a crucifix hanging anywhere. There is a large wood carved globe hanging as the center piece. They seem to celebrate and observe all religions. They do a Buddhist prayer, and there is prayer to the west. There is a few instances of hand holding and hugging.
They do some speaking, then songs, and speaking, and so on. There is about a 10 minute meditation.

First impression, I thought I was in the right place, walked in to the band playing Doobie Brothers - Listen To The Music. They also played Bob Marley - One Love while blessing the offering.

I am mixed on how I felt during and after the service. I will however give it at least one more try.

A gentlemen that spoke who played in the band and had written book said his mentor had told him: “If you’re not failing regularly, you’re living so far below your potential that you’re failing anyway.”
I know you should take something different from that, but I see it as I have peaked and my potential has glaring limitations. Ones that I have quickly learned of and have yet to accept.


Warning: Pissed off sex rant
My girlfriend I had it out today over sex. She doesn't feel like she should have to make any changes on her end to accommodate my problems having sex anymore. She feels that I should be content with the occasional blowjob (which I do appreciate), but for actual sex, I am expected to just hop on her, make her cum and leave her alone, if I didn't get mine, better luck next time. I love getting my dick sucked just as much as the next (normal) guy, but I also enjoy sex. I can enjoy it if it is done right. Since she is easy to please in the area, I am left to despise myself and the situation. It leads to no sex drive and extremely low self confidence.
When I tried to bring this up, I was yelled at that people in our age or married couples rarely/never have sex. (which I know is not entirely true).
What kind of fucking explanation is that? That fired me up and shot back with the fact that she was a horny enough slut to fuck me and some loser at the same time less than 12 months ago.
We went at it more, and I eventually just told her to not worry about us fucking or anything again. I don't care if I don't get my dick wet for another year.
She can go back to hoping on any dick that gives her attention for all I fucking care.

I also told her we are not going anywhere together in our relationship, and we are basically wasting our time.
She blames this on depression, but I told her the thought couldn't come from a more clear state in my mind.

In the past she told me she cheated because she was not in love with me, did not like me or cared for me.
I am not any different then, than I am now except I have MS and I am a bitter person now.
So if she thinks she loves me now, what the fuck is she in love with? Is she some sick fuck that digs diseases? Or does she prefer that I am an asshole and stare at her with "you lying bitch" eyes all the time?

I am tired of her, and I feel like she is tired of me. I know I am...

"What you have just heard was not fiction, although in many of desperate moment I most certainly wish it had been. It's over for now it seems, or at least until yesterday begins again tomorrow"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

One step and stumble at a time...

The SOPA/PIPA blackout seems to have been a very powerful statement. Multiple supporters and co-sponsors of the bill in Washington have already dropped their support of the bill (14 as of this morning). Still has a long way before being fully dropped but its a step in the right direction...

Started Valium and it does't do shit. Doesn't make me drowsy, pick me up, center me, nothing. It's even supposed to help with spasms, and I continue to have them while on the medication. These are 10mg which I guess is the highest dose. I took two last night with no change in any feeling. Am I that dead inside I cannot feel medication trying to work? Is my brain that fucked it wont allow medications to work?

Well I have been trying my best to take steps in the right direction for myself.
In the last two days, I got in touch with some of my old friends. Friends I grew up with and were close to until my early 20's. At that time we all just kind of drifted apart. Most of it was each of us getting into serious relationships, careers, and whatever else. Really cannot pinpoint why, it just slowly happened. The times we would hang out became less and less until a couple of us simply moved out of the city/state and not saying a word to each other about it. By now all these guys have kids, some are married.

Turns out my two main friends I grew up with already knew about the MS. They found out from my sister. Not sure how I feel about her telling people, I guess it just threw me off when one of the first things they bring up after all these years is that. On one hand it was nice that they cared and brought it up because I wasn't going to, at least for a while. On the other hand, if they gave a shit, why didn't they bother trying to contact me? Again makes me evaluate what kind of friend I was. We were a close knit group growing up for years. We did everything together. I was always there for them, and helped any way I possibly could, and vice versa...
If there was a leader of our group, I would say it was me. I was the oldest (by a few months) and had my head on straight. I always knew where the line was. Just how far we could take things without going to far, or getting caught.
In our teenage years we would go drinking at a dead end in a remote location almost every weekend, but I would always make sure one person was not drinking and could drive us all home. It was a rule I put in place and we always followed it. I was a DD multiple times. If there was a potential issue with a parent, I had a solution for the issue. I could script a perfect manipulation to be used on a parent to get out of nearly all situations with even the strictest parent. None of us ever got busted for drinking, or smoking dope, or whatever shenanigans we had been up to, and we did plenty of shit that would have landed us in jail.
I wish I could step back into that time for a little while. I was healthy and care free, I could do anything.
I handled a full time job, girls, drinking/drugs, friends, all of it, and it was easy, and I wasn't even 18 yet living on my own.

Anyways, took that step to getting in touch with them, we all exchanged email/mailing addresses and phone numbers. Everyone was in agreement that too much time had passed, that we all needed to stay in touch and plan a trip for us all to get together.

I have to admit I had a flash of happiness talking with them. Actually laughed a bit going over some old shit we used to do. My girlfriend observed the same thing since she rarely even sees me crack a smile anymore.

Went to psychologist yesterday. Not much was accomplished in this visit. She was trying to get me to imagine and describe what I would be doing with my life if I did not have MS, but I was drawing a blank. As if to get me to realize I should be able to do the same things. But that is not the case. I moved to the mountains to be more of an outdoors-man, hiking and camping. I cannot physically do that shit anymore.
She tried to explore current goals, yet I have none. All I have known since I was 15 was working a full time job. By 17 I was working in my current career, owned my own home by 19, so goals were met pretty early. I really didn't have defined goals, I just needed to work, and get to the weekend. At that age, I just wanted to chase the muff around and get fucked up, responsibly.
She also went over scenarios where if I was with someone I was actually in love with and she loved me, and how I think that would affect my depression.
It was hard answering any of these questions, I don't know. I seemed to lost my ability to peel layers from a scenario or situation to view it at every angle and have an answer for everything. I feel like I can barely problem solve in my job anymore, which is my job.

Religion came up, and I revealed that I have in fact lost my faith in God. She was surprised and concerned to hear that, considering everything I have lost in the last year, to also lose that is apparently a big deal. It basically is just too much for one person. Even others that may be close to my situation with the endless flow of bullshit, still have some sort of spirituality. Something they depend on. I do not have that. I have no religion or spirituality. Other than this blog, I have nothing I lean on for any support.
There is no meaning to life. I think we are just here, and then we are not. What's left of us is what is recorded by humans in our existence.
The God I did believe in is supposed to be a loving and caring God. I don't want to worship a God that allows life to be like this. This is not my doing. Too much of this is out of my control.
I have lived my life as a good person. I have always treated people with respect, even if I don't respect them or what they do. Am I being punished for swearing? Am I being punished for sex before marriage? How about underage drinking, or taking drugs? And downloading movies or music? If any of these "sins" warrant the type of punishment that I have been given, then fuck you. I do not need you in my life then. That is not how you show your existence, show your love, or even test one's faith.
Not where I wanna go with this. Point is, as fucked as the world is, my world included, no real God would do this. It just simply wouldn't happen. I do not care what some archaic bullshit book says about it.

So it breaks down to this, in one year I have lost:
Health (MS)
Love (girlfriend)
Dog (cancer)
God

What do I have to wake up for? Work a job? Stay alive for family that is no where near me? Bitch and moan on a meaningless blog?
There's nothing. Its all shit, and it will only continue to decompose.

I started slowly dying since the day I was born. Come on with it already.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

SOPA/PIPA Blackout

Blogger has too many restrictions in place where I couldn't achieve a full black out. If there is a way with blogger, than I am not aware of it.

Anyways, enjoy the crippled internet for a day.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Blackout Reminder and Update

A reminder that this blog will go dark in protest of SOPA/PIPA tomorrow.
I am going for a full blackout, but if Blogger will not allow it, I have some alternatives.

I will be picking up my Valium in the next few hours. Might wait until I am done with work to take it for the first time. I have never taken Valium before so I am not sure what to expect. I know it is popular on the street and has street value to it. We will see.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Trying to avoid "F--- It Mode"

This blog has to be really fucking annoying to read right now. I read my last couple posts and I am annoyed with what I read. Just some prick bitching and moaning. Fucking get over it and get your shit together right?

I am trying really hard to avoid going into Fuck It Mode... I have already dropped three medications without consulting with a doctor yet. I am just tired of taking so many medications and not feeling any better. I could justify any one of the medications if they actually helped with anything.

Regardless of how hard I try to keep my mind straight and be more patient, I am still finding myself in states of self destruct. I am putting myself in situations where I know I am pushing myself and I don't care.
In the last week I have physically pushed myself to the point of not being able to move either my legs, arms, or both. I have stood in the shower with water as hot as I can bear until I can barely stand up and I am left with numbness and tingling as a result. I am not eating or drinking properly. Last few meals have been plain chicken meat on bread with nothing else, and I am not drinking 6+ glasses of water like I normally do. I am down to less than one glass to take Gilenya. I know I am dehydrating myself. I just don't give a fuck right now.
These are just a few examples to go along with dropping medication without consulting first.

I just simply do not feel like taking care of myself right now. I have to force myself out of bed to get to work by telling myself "You have to get up and work you fucking piece of shit. GET THE FUCK UP!!!"

Again, I am writing senseless bullshit. I know better than to carry myself this way but I do it anyways.
If it weren't for this blog I would keep all of this to myself and give you a bullshit smile and say it's a great day.
The last bit of sense I do have tells me to write this shit down. To document how I currently feel and what I am doing to myself. I cannot be the only one.

PCP's nurse called today, they are going to put me on Valium. I will update my medications list today or tomorrow to remove the old bullshit and put new bullshit up.

Update 1/16

First I want to note, this blog will be "blacked out" on Wednesday 1/16 in protest of the SOPA bill. 
I have a couple ways it will be blacked out which I will test before Wednesday. I am planning on a complete outage, but if Blogger won't allow, then I will simply remove public access to the site.

Filled out a volunteer application at a local no-kill shelter. It had a long check list on various things they need help with, but I only opted for dog walking/exercise. I will start with that and go from there. Orientation is the weekend after next.

Finally had a bowel movement, the first in about four days. I already feel like shit, not being able to shit doesn't help.
Luckily no blood in the shit. Maybe the internal hemorrhoids have healed. Won't know until they bleed again.

Either MS has fucked with my body so much it can barely take a shit on it's own, or all the stupid fucking medications I am being given are causing constipation. I have had meds in the past cause constipation within a day or two of starting it, and I have had constipation during and after exacerbations, so it is hard to say what is fucking me up right now. I can say MS is the root. Without it I wouldn't be taking any medications in the first place. (prior to MS, I wouldn't even take an aspirin for a headache)

I stopped taking Mobic, Ativan and Cymbalta yesterday. Mobic is a anti-inflammatory that I started taking during last exacerbation. Don't think it was doing anything.
Ativan does nothing. Its supposed to have immediate results and does't do shit. Called my PCP on Friday to let him know and see what he wanted to do. Did not hear back from him.
Cymbalta is an anti-depressant, and regardless of needing one, the withdrawal symptoms are really bad and I wanna just get off it now so I don't have to deal with them later. I am not suicidal so any feeling of being down and out is the norm anyways...

I made these changes without consulting with my doctor(s) first. Obviously this is not recommended. Fuck it.
I will update my current medications list in the next few days if nothing comes up. I will be down to Gilenya, Zanaflex (as needed) and Cannabis (as needed).

Friday, January 13, 2012

Update 1/13

I had my appointment with psychologist yesterday. We went over and addressed some of the issues and thoughts I have had for a while.
I want to note that her husband did pass from cancer in the last two weeks. So I kept my thoughts on cancer to myself. But I did explain how I feel about my lack of desire to live out this life and how out-living my parents appear to be my only goal right now.
She echoed the same thing I have thought and others have told me, that I need to get a hobby, and I need to get out and socialize more. She feels that I am creating a great distance from other people and society in general when I don't leave my house for 2 weeks at a time like I have been lately.
I mentioned to her, which I haven't here, but I shaved for the first time yesterday in over a month. I was bearded and carrying the typical depressed look. I do want to say, even though I was not shaving, I have always kept up on my hygiene, meaning I shower daily, I don't wear dirty clothes etc... Growing a full beard was out of character for me though, I usually stay close to clean shaved or just a little scruff.

She mentioned that while we were talking the only time I have smiled the last few visits is when we talk about dogs, or when her dog comes and loves on me. She reinforced the fact that I need to get a dog or get involved with them somehow. Her saying that had me tearing up for the first time in her office. Not sure what it was, don't know if it was me thinking about my dog, or the thought of getting another, or even the confirmation from someone that knows me well, that I do in fact need that companionship.
I looked up a few of the shelters in my area and tomorrow I will visit at least one of them to see about volunteering. I really would like to only get involved in walking them and playing with them if that's possible. I am sure they will take what they can get.
I figured it would be good for me and the dogs for us to walk each other. So we will see.

Apparently my girlfriend had a break down yesterday after I left for 2 hours of doctor visits. She got to thinking about our dog that passed recently. Her crying started up again when I discussed my doctor's recommendation to get a dog. We are both in agreement that we are not ready for a new dog, but she thought the volunteering was a good idea.

I called my PCP today and left a message. I wanted him to know the Ativan does nothing for me and see what he would like to do. I will also mention the hemorrhoids if he calls me back personally. I told the person that took the message that I had something personal to discuss if he had the time to call me back.

I have been seeing my psychologist once every three weeks because I felt that was enough (except with her husband in hospice we didn't meet for over a month), but she asked to see me again next week, and possible once a week for the next few weeks.

Additional blog changes

I have made some additional changes to the blog with some more coming if I can get them right.
The medications I take on the left now link with individual write ups I did for each medication. Hopefully there is some useful information there.

I am still working on a way for visitors to be able to change the theme or contrast, and the text size to make the size more accessible.

I will have a post later regarding my psychologist visit yesterday.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Too Honest?

I hit a nerve with some when I made a comment that I would be ok with getting cancer to put an end to this life.
I have actually had the thought for a while, but kept it to myself. Mainly due to it being a shitty thing to say out loud, and I wanted to tell my psychologist, but her husband has/had cancer and what a fucked up thing to say to her. She is a therapist, and should have tough skin, but I am more considerate than that. And it is something I will keep to myself since her husband went into hospice a month ago. I asked how he was doing in an email a week ago and did not get a response to that question. He may have passed since our last visit.
Anyways, it is a very insensitive comment to make these days. Almost everyone either has someone in their immediate family or knows someone that has had a battle with cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family. So I am fully aware of how it would upset someone to read that.
The point of the comment is this: My life quality is poor. I don't see my life getting any better, any time soon. I have been toughing this thing out for the last few years. Toughing it out before I was diagnosed and only thought something weird was wrong with me. I have been in and out of a wheel chair for a year now.
I have lost the two loves of my life in a years time in addition to the knowledge that as long as air is in my lungs, I have a fucked up disease that will always be there.
Add in a job that I am burnt out on, and mounting financial issues that will eventually lead to bankruptcy. I have lost my faith in God, or the existence of anything.
I am left with a life I do not care for. There is only so much I can do to change this life. There are way too many variables that are uncontrollable that lend to my distaste for my life. And this is only the beginning. I am young and have a long way before I get to naturally pass...

It doesn't get any better when I disclose what does get me up every day and continue on... I feel like my only purpose and goal in life right now, is to out live my parents. For some reason I feel like I owe it to them to out live them. A mother or father should NEVER have to bury their own child. For that same reason I will not take my own life. I care about them too much to put them through that. While they could maybe understand my reason for suicide in very small part because of the disease, its not a good enough reason in my eyes. I just simply could not put my family through that. There have been suicides in my family and the toll they take are enormous.

That said, I am hopeful, and I actually expect my outlook on life to change well before that time comes. I am self aware of what my head is doing and what this disease does not only to the body but the mind. So I know I am not crazy or going off the deep end. I am aware enough about these thoughts to document them.
Some might think these are red flags or warning signs for something, I really don't think that is the case, for me atleast.
I am aware enough to know what I am doing, when I do it. Suicide simply is not an option.

To those that may have been offended. I sincerely do apologize. This is really the only topic that could offend and I would follow up with an apology and only because I know how it would burn to read about someone wanting to die of something so terrible. There is another blogger with MS that is very young and I hate hearing that person talk about wanting to die, so I get it. I know that feeling of reading something and thinking "come on! your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you!"

To keep this blog real and keep it honest, I have stuck to my personal promise to post my feelings and problems, and not to be afraid of any embarrassment, negativity, or whatever.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Layout Feedback

I was wondering if I could get some feedback on the new layout change and added sections (current symptoms and current medications).
Wasn't sure if they made the page or blog posts harder to read. They look fine on my end but I have a very large monitor and run a high resolution.

While I am at it.. Is there anything missing from this blog? Any feature that someone would like to see added?
I was trying to get a text feature working where you as the reader can easily adjust the text size. May be helpful for those with MS and vision problems. Still working on that. 

Thanks in advance.

Response to comment and blog changes.

I was kind of called out for my cancer comment. I am fully aware of what I have said and why. I have had losses in my family and around me to cancer. Its a bullshit way of going or even something to fight. As I told this person, to hold up the integrity of this blog and continue writing what is written in its raw and honest form, I must disclose the thoughts I have here, regardless of how morbid or insensitive they may be.
This person didn't seem overly offended. But if people are offended with what is written here, please check the Blog List to the left (and Johnny on the right).
As it stands right now, in January 2012, I would rather not be alive than live my life with MS. It just is the way it is for me. Cancer is a form of escape that would let me out of this life without taking it myself. It would almost be a fitting end to this shitty life thus far.
As it is thought, it is written. (but not always published)

I have made some changes to the layout and will give them a few days to see if I like them. Main change is a new section on the left side that holds current symptoms and current medications. Might be helpful to someone.

Woke up with right hand numb. I have had numbness come and go in my left hand for a year now. The right hand is something new. Seems more numb in the index and middle finger than the rest. On my left hand it was usually from the middle finger down to the pinky/little/fourth whatever you call it finger. This all makes typing more of a hassle. I type all day long for my job. I have tried dictation applications but my mind runs faster than I can talk and it just doesn't fit my style of thinking/talking/whatever.

Bama shut down LSU last night 21-0. I couldn't have been happier. There was more excitement in me last night than I have felt in a long time.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Just say it...

My girlfriend returned last night. Today we caught up on a few things. She asked how I was doing and I replied "feeling good, not great..but good". I don't know why I cannot tell her about any issues I am having. I have not told her about the hemorrhoids, or anything related to numbness or nerve pain.
Hemorrhoids are the star of the show here. It's not an embarrassing thing to someone I have lived with for 10 years. I feel like its none of her business. Same goes for my other problems. I think if there was a different connection between us she would know more.
Maybe more details of my daily life to her would make a different connection between us.
I wonder how much she is able to get from me when I don't say a word.

Pain in the ass... Hemorrhoids and exacerbation

Seems like with each of the last couple exacerbations I have ended up with internal hemorrhoids. The last few days I have had blood in my shit. Same thing happened earlier this year with the last exacerbation. I have bowel issues, getting a little constipated, and then see blood in the shit.
My bowels had gotten down to about a movement every few days in the two weeks, and no movements while I was actually having the exacerbation. Went about a week with no movement, then they just started moving properly with no assistance with medication or diet changes. I already stick to a high fiber diet.
The last time I had the hemorrhoids the movements were very painful. This time, the bowel movements really are not painful but I can feel it when they they must be passing by the hemorrhoid.
I will give this another couple days before I contact my doctor. The last bout with these I called no one. I told my neurologist about them after a month later or so during a regular visit.

Previously I had researched the blood in the shit and it wasn't until I specifically searched for hemorrhoids and multiple sclerosis before I found that there is a link for some people.
Initial research points to colon cancer, which my feelings are the same now as it was then, I wish it was.
Its a morbid thought, but I have it. As offensively rude and insensitive as it is for me to say (and have said before), I would welcome cancer. Cancer would be a way out of this mess that my life is without taking it myself. Its a painful and shitty way to go, but at least for my family's sake, it was out of my control.
I have a post drafted and have not published yet that covers thoughts regarding my life. I have been waiting until after my next psychologist appointment to go over these thoughts with her first before I publish.
They are alarming thoughts and ideas that I think, would normally get someone locked up in a padded room, so I will keep them to myself for the time being. And its possible these thoughts written will change over time. I certainly hope they will.

Anyways, thought I would get this nasty little post out of the way. Red shit, red water, and red toilet paper should be a um, red flag for anyone to get in touch with their doctor asap. I will give this one some time. Too much pride? Probably, but I just don't care. With MS, I have learned to not call a doctor every day I have a problem. They will come and go, just as we will.

Roll Tide

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Sleeping, relaxing and football

Didn't do anything I had planned or intended on doing yesterday. I didn't go to the MS meeting or to any music show. Just didn't feel up to it.
Ended up falling asleep around 8pm and ended up sleeping for about 13 hours. Haven't done that in I don't know how long. I got nice and stoned last night before I fell asleep so my head and body were just right.
Woke up today feeling good in the head. Body has its normal bullshit going on, but in the head I felt good.
Got up and did some chores I had pushed off for a day or so.

Girlfriend gets back tonight. I have had almost five days to myself and I have rather enjoyed it. It's been nice and quiet. I don't get bothered while I am trying to work, and I feel like I am not trying to entertain anyone in the evenings.
I sat by a fire every night she was gone, and she won't sit by the fire as long as I will. She would have been bored or said she was too cold and gone inside.
In my alone time thinking, I have come up with a few words for her, peaceful words, but words she may not want to hear.
I will have a talk with her after her return to just lay out the ways I think our relationship currently is, what it should be, and the way its going to be...

Going to take it pretty easy today. It's raining outside, so it is a good day to put the feet up and relax. Try and get ready for the bullshit that is the new work week. I feel a little burnt out from work lately but I think I need a vacation to refresh myself. I need to get away from this house and this area for a few days or a week. I won't be able to afford any trip away for a few months so I have to just suck it up and deal with it.
If I wasn't broke I would have setup a trip to take while my girlfriend was taking hers, and I originally thought about that a month ago when she first planned her trip. But I simply couldn't afford to go anywhere.

I am very anxious for tomorrow evening to get here. It is the NCAA BCS Championship game. I am a college football fan and I am looking forward to this game. LSU vs. Alabama, and this is a rematch from  a couple months back. No teams have ever played each other again in the championship game after already playing each other in the regular season. I am looking for Alabama to win this one. They would have won the previous game if it wasn't for some missed field goals. Bama beat themselves in the first game. LSU is going to have to beat Bama if they want to win tomorrow.

Roll Tide

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Recent Exacerbation and Wellbutrin

My Neurologist recommended an antidepressant about a month ago. He started me with Celexa but it quickly caused constipation. Then I was switched to Wellbutrin XL 150mg taken once a day first thing in the morning. At the time I started Wellbutrin, I was going through alot of personal stuff, hence the antidepressants. I found myself having a hard time going to sleep, and when I would, quickly waking up and the mind would run for hours. Eventually it all would meld into long sleepless nights. Watching every hour pass.
This whole time I am thinking that I am having some kind of mental break down, the way 2011 happened, that I had reached my mental meltdown point and was self destructing.
I took 15 Wellbutrins. One a day. 20 nights were fucked.
While talking to my sister, she stated that she had an immediate bad reaction to Wellbutrin which included insomnia. The light bulb went on, really took a while to find the switch. I never took Wellbutrin again. It took about 5 nights for the sleeping to get better.

I had an exacerbation that I think was rooted from the lost sleep and body shutting down.
Pain from spasms in my back and legs left them barely functional. Heavy spasms in the face and extremities.
Saw my chiropractor for the back before calling neuro. He could feel the spasms in my back where I couldn't due to the pain. Tried cold laser therapy which did nothing. He offered accupuncture and I agreed but in less than a minute I was covered in sweat and lost my color.
Extremely poor bowel and bladder function/control. Most painful experience to date with MS.
About 2-3 days into steroids things started settling down.
On the third day of the exacerbation I was able to obtain some hash, and I feel like I was making a faster recovery at that time. How much? We will never know.

I got a general practice doctor last week. I had not seen a general practitioner in nearly 14 years.
He is a nice guy, a young doctor. Seems intelligent. He said he didn't know what Gilenya was before coming in to see me so he looked it up before hand. He sought out knowledge about his patient.
We discussed the anxiety issues. As I have mentioned, I believe I have developed a needle phobia likely from Rebif.
He has put me on Ativan 0.5mg twice a day. I really feel no different on this stuff. And this is supposed to have an immediate affect. Smoking some pot has the immediate affect. My muscle relaxer, pain killer, antidepressant, all from a little plant.
I am going to give Ativan until the end of the prescription to show me something, otherwise I will drop it.
I really would like to cut back on the medications taken daily. Ideally just Gilenya and a few vitamins.
That's where I would like to be.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Update 1/6

I think my last post didn't correctly express myself. Reading it back seems like alot of whining for not getting invited to something. It has nothing to do with invite or anything. I think at the time writing it I was coming down from a high of the prospect of socializing and communicating with someone in person that I don't see on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. And that was all, just a missed opportunity and I bitched about it.

Felt a little beat up lately. A couple days ago, a leg and an arm were giving me some trouble. Starting moving them a little better today. Numbness in my left hand has come back some. That seems to come and go as it pleases. Sleeping is getting better, almost to the point of not wanting to get up.
I have spent the last 3 evenings out at the pit having fires. My girlfriend is out of town visiting family so I am getting plenty of alone time. Getting plenty of time to think.
Doing the fire stuff takes a lot out of me. I have a few brush piles to collect wood from but all smaller pieces have been used so I have to chop quite a bit of it. I continually push myself out there for some reason.
I feel like I am pushing myself because having these fires seems to hold onto the last bit of outdoors-man I have in me.
Other than the physical strain of getting it done, I do find plenty of peace and satisfaction in my time by the fire. I will put on some music through the phone, prop the feet up and usually smoke a bit.
Yesterday I watched three deer just walk by me with no alarm or feeling of danger. It was nice having that moment with nature. Neither of us gave a shit.

I am still in search of a hobby. The fires wont be logical soon. Its already almost too cold outside. I went to a hobby shop last weekend and poked around. Found nothing that would interest me. A lot of the main hobbies there are pricey ones to get into. I also do not want to get into any kind of collecting. I don't have the room and urge to start any sort of collection. I will just keep my eyes open for something.

Might get out of the house tomorrow for some various stuff. There is an MS meeting in the afternoon with a group I have never been too. Don't know if there are any younger people there or not. Might stop by that and check it out.
And there is some live music in town tomorrow night. There is always live music, but I came across a couple shows I wouldn't mind seeing. The downtown area is very difficult to visit. Little parking, lots of walking, and everything is on a hill. No fun trying to walk around anywhere with my current problems, so we will see how I am feeling.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Here we go...

Well it didn't take long for the bullshit to start in 2012. Water pipes froze and we were left with no water for almost two days. Finally got them thawed out and water flowing again. Just another thing to fuck with me.
I have spent a lot of my life camping in my free time so doing without certain "luxuries" is not a problem, but when you are in your own home, you expect running water.
With my bladder issues, when I have to go, I have to go and it was a bit awkward to keep running outside to take a piss. In the winter you can see the neighbors, the trees are thinned out. In the summer you can walk around in the nude if you please since there is so much wooded area, you forget anyone lives nearby.

I got a little upset today, mostly at myself because a old friend from where I used to live was in my area with his family for a week. They were minutes from me skiing and all that. We exchanged some emails during the week he was here, planning to catch up but it never happened. I called him today and he explained that they headed back a couple days earlier than expected and that he was sorry we didn't get to meet up. The kind of upsetting thing is, he got married while he was here. I have known him for about 15 years. We would hang out or have lunch together at least once a week, we went camping together countless times. He is one of the only friends I have from there that knows about the MS.
The idea that not only did he not have a few minutes for us to hang out, but didn't think to invite me to his wedding made me think of what kind of person I have been, and how people perceive me as their friend.
I know I should consider that a wedding for most can be a very intimate thing where only immediate family (if any) are invited.
I think it was the combination of not getting to visit and the wedding that upset me a little. I think you must sprinkle in a little bit of everything else too. I have no friends here anymore. The one I had here recently moved. So its a complete total of everything that has nothing to do with him that bothered me.
Anyways, I am happy for him. He was divorced a couple years back from a wife that was running around on him while they had two kids. He found a nice lady that also was divorced and had two of her own, so he has a nice house full now.
Also, one of my co-workers that I have known for 15+ years and would spend time with outside work was also in my area this week but we didn't get to meet up. He did call me to let me know he was up here, but we didn't discuss or make any plans to meet.

I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but it all made me wonder why I don't currently have friends, and the ones I had don't make any effort to reach out and spend any time with me.
Next time I return to my old town I will make an effort to contact people and visit them.
I have made two trips to that town since I moved but both were quick weekend trips to visit my ailing grandfather. Both trips combined for 5 days total there and it was all spent with family.

I am going to try and change the friend thing. I need to talk to someone other than a doctor (who I pay), a girlfriend/roommate, or this blog. With winter here it is going to make it a little harder. I am looking forward to summer since baseball is in season and I could always try to meet some people at a game or at a bar watching a game.

Just wanted to note, while I haven't had any pot in a long time other than a joint I got, I did get some hash which is basically a concentrate of marijuana, and that has made me feel pretty good. Takes care of pain, spasms, and helps get me to sleep. Going to be out of it soon. I keep getting told today its going to happen. All of this bullshit trying to acquire the stuff makes me want to move to a decriminalized state asap.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Yoga for MS

There is a free DVD that can be requested from MS Active Source (Biogen) that is called MyMSYoga. It is Yoga for those with MS.
I ripped and uploaded the videos online to make them more accessible. Even though Youtube lifted the 15 minute limit, they still wouldn't allow me to upload these files, so I put them on Vimeo. Hopefully Vimeo will leave them posted.

Here is the album with all three videos, and each video is also posted individually below. http://vimeo.com/album/1793067


Foundations provides the basics of yoga and allows you to start slow and simple.


Transformations is a more intense yoga practice with advanced poses for gaining strength and confidence.


Restorations guides you through some very slow, relaxing and refreshing postures.

2011 Recap

I had written a long recount of how my life changed new years day last year, writing it was painful, and I felt like I was taking a step backwards from moving into a new year so I cleared every word.
I will instead just run down quickly how 2011 went down as the worst year I have survived.

-New Years Day 2011. Girlfriend is "out having drinks with the girls". Accidentally calls my phone to reveal she is alone with a guy. In the following days I obtain information that she is having an affair.
-Quickly double vision affects me. After a month of waiting it out, I see an Ophthalmologist. MRI are ordered. (Optic Neuritis lasted approx 5 months)
-Received call from Ophthalmologist and was informed I have MS, over the phone.
-Within a month, met with a neurologist who prescribed Rebif.
-Started treatment on Rebif. Immediately encountered side affects and site reactions.
-After 3+ months of Rebif and two exacerbation's, made the decision to remove myself from the medication.
-Neurologist agreed with my request to switch to Gilenya. Did all pretests and deemed an acceptable patient for Gilenya. Felt immediate relief from switch of medications. Although constipation arrived as a possible withdrawal issue from Rebif.
-In July the fighting with the girlfriend was at a boiling point. She moved to her parents in another state for about a month. Even after I told her I needed more time, she arrived back on her own. But as a lonely piece of shit, I did not refuse delivery.
-In November I lost my dog to cancer. It was a sudden and very hurtful lost. She was truly a special thing in my life.
-Shock of her death caused two major anxiety/panic attacks. Suffered complete lock up, could not move hands/arms/legs and could not talk. Each lasted about 45+ minutes. First wore off in ER and walked out, and the second at home.
-Trivial but, my car could not pass the state vehicle inspection due to the tint (which is legal in the state it came from). Had to remove nice tint. Less than two weeks later the car is hit in a parking lot. No note left, just a fuck you dent.
-Insomnia that lasted about three weeks due to Wellbutrin. Took a while to figure out the link between the two, and then get the sleep back after quitting.
-One more exacerbation to let me make sure I never forget 2011. It kicked me in the balls and stood on my back for over a week. The pain made its way to my legs causing alot of difficulty walking. Bowel and bladder issues got bad. I started Predisone steroids and gradually got better.
-And just to be annoyed, leading into the new year four people said they could acquire some cannabis for me to medicate, and it all fell through. I am left with pills and more pills to get right.

All I can do is try and make 2012 a better year, but I don't know what to do. I didn't bring 2011 on myself. There was plenty bullshit that happened that was simply out of my control.

I have many voids in my life right now I need to fill somehow. The love I had for my girlfriend died long ago and I poured even more love in to my dog who returned it unconditionally. But with her passing I am left with all of this love to give and I don't think She deserves it.
There is no "I love you", no hugging or kissing. We are roommates that sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex.
The dog was the last bit of glue that held us together, now that she is gone, I am left asking why do we bother trying to work it out together. There is so much resentment and the bad times have overshadowed the good times.

I found myself standing out in the snow tonight wishing I could jump ahead 30 years or what ever it takes just so I could out live my parents and grandparents. Just long enough that they don't have to see me go.
I care to see them around more than I do myself.